So, I started a new boot camp class this morning trying to push myself a little and get back into the groove of meeting other women in the morning to exercise ... and I figure it can't hurt with the running to build other kind of strength.
I got up at 5 a.m. so I can hit this twice a week class before I go teach. I was ready to go and excited for the challenge. It was a disaster. I felt crappy. I had to throw up -- I don't think I've ever done that during an exercise class and I felt very Biggest Loser. I don't know what the deal was but I spent a good little bit of time beating myself up about it. I don't think I'm out of shape and I don't think it should be all that hard, but I ended up feeling kind of like a failure. The coach was great and she reminded me that I haven't been doing this stuff for awhile. And she wondered if I was coming down with something, which I kind of feel like I am.
Still, self doubt. (And it didn't help that I had a little disappointment over the weekend that is making me a bit stressed.)
But life has a way of throwing you a pick-me-up when you most need it.
I walked into a morning press conference and one of my friends asked me if I was planning on wasting away -- seriously, did he not notice the extra pounds I've put on in the past several weeks of eating out and downing Christmas cookies every chance I got? Then someone complimented my outfit later on.
Then I went to do an interview with these really interesting ladies and I remembered how lucky I am to have a job that interests me -- most of the time -- and affords me the opportunity to meet such interesting people.
Seriously, it was one of those days that reminds you no matter how gray you feel there are always rays of sunshine. So, I started to reframe my thoughts.
Instead of beating myself up, I remembered that I have gone more than a full week without drinking a sugary soda and have outlasted my pledge of going a week with no Coke. I remembered that no matter what I see in the mirror, other people see the beautiful woman I am. I remembered that no matter how much work I have to do, it's good stuff and good stories.
And I remembered how lucky I am to be able to do all the things I do. I have a new group of students to get to know and at least on this first day of class, they seemed pretty enthusiastic and I can believe they will stay that way.
Life is a series of hills and valleys -- and sometimes you feel like you are walking in both at the same time. But at least I'm walking .... And sometimes you can't figure out how to get out of the valley so the best thing to do is just to stop trying to control it and enjoy the ride as much as possible.
There is a lot to be thankful for ... no matter how many stresses there are.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
New Year ... what will 2011 bring?
So, I just got back from an awesome weekend with good girlfriends in New Orleans. Honestly, I can't think of a better way to ring in 2011 than spending time with some women who remind me how lucky I am to have friends that are like family. These are women who know me so well that I can say catty, bitchy things and they just smile or laugh instead of thinking I'm totally a mean person.
A couple people of asked me today if I made any resolutions. I'm not really a big fan of resolutions because usually I find that the ones made around New Years are kind of vague and not so easy to stick with. I mean, seriously, when haven't I wanted to "stay in shape and look/feel better." I'm always working on that.
Plus, why do people feel like the start of the new year is the best time to try a bunch of new things all at once. It's kind of putting a lot of pressure on yourself.
Instead, I generally try to set goals throughout the year. Some of them are specific goals: Sell my condo. Others are more general: Try to eat less red meat and drink less soda.
But in the spirit of the new year ... and to satisfy the questioners ... I thought I would write down a few of the things I"m working on in no particular order of importance.
*Run the Disney Princess Half-Marathon on Feb. 27 -- so that means get my butt in gear with the training. First step was putting the training schedule together, so now I actually have to run.
* Run the mini ... perhaps followed the next day with the Flying Pig in Cincy. That depends on how my knee holds up.
* Sell the condo. I think it's coming off the market until Spring and then we'll give it another go. I'm envisioning my new home at Christmas for next year already.
*Run the Dublin marathon for team in training in October. Raise a bunch of money and go to Ireland. Score!
*Write at least three good projects in the first half of the year --- already working on some of that.
*Enjoy myself and don't push myself too hard. I have to continuously remind myself to take time for me ...
*Learn to use my new crock pot to make delicious meals.
*Get some work done on the book project.
*Teach some new students how to write better.
*Hit a new high score in bowling.
Ok ... I'm tired. You see why I don't make January resolutions -- I already have a long list of stuff I'm striving for. But this was a good way to remind myself what kinds of great goals I have and that they are totally achievable.
Love y'all and happy, happy new year!
Jess
A couple people of asked me today if I made any resolutions. I'm not really a big fan of resolutions because usually I find that the ones made around New Years are kind of vague and not so easy to stick with. I mean, seriously, when haven't I wanted to "stay in shape and look/feel better." I'm always working on that.
Plus, why do people feel like the start of the new year is the best time to try a bunch of new things all at once. It's kind of putting a lot of pressure on yourself.
Instead, I generally try to set goals throughout the year. Some of them are specific goals: Sell my condo. Others are more general: Try to eat less red meat and drink less soda.
But in the spirit of the new year ... and to satisfy the questioners ... I thought I would write down a few of the things I"m working on in no particular order of importance.
*Run the Disney Princess Half-Marathon on Feb. 27 -- so that means get my butt in gear with the training. First step was putting the training schedule together, so now I actually have to run.
* Run the mini ... perhaps followed the next day with the Flying Pig in Cincy. That depends on how my knee holds up.
* Sell the condo. I think it's coming off the market until Spring and then we'll give it another go. I'm envisioning my new home at Christmas for next year already.
*Run the Dublin marathon for team in training in October. Raise a bunch of money and go to Ireland. Score!
*Write at least three good projects in the first half of the year --- already working on some of that.
*Enjoy myself and don't push myself too hard. I have to continuously remind myself to take time for me ...
*Learn to use my new crock pot to make delicious meals.
*Get some work done on the book project.
*Teach some new students how to write better.
*Hit a new high score in bowling.
Ok ... I'm tired. You see why I don't make January resolutions -- I already have a long list of stuff I'm striving for. But this was a good way to remind myself what kinds of great goals I have and that they are totally achievable.
Love y'all and happy, happy new year!
Jess
Monday, December 6, 2010
Good karma begets good karma ...
Last night I was lamenting the fact that Sundays always seem to come to an end too quickly and then you must face the cold, bitter reality of Monday.
Then this morning when I woke up I was faced with an actually bitter cold Monday, which did not encourage me to jump right out of bed and head to the gym despite the fact that I had already packed a bag to take with me.
Still, I left home feeling like today could be a good day. I'm not exactly sure why because all the signs were pointing in a different direction -- long hearing, lots of work to do, no workout this morning -- still I felt positive.
And you know what? I was right.
Got to the hearing and it was a moot point as the charges were dropped. Got to work and one fire after another started building up, but still managed to get through it despite the aggravations.
Dropped off my Angel Tree bags and a gift card to the Center for Women and Families so that some other people can have a wonderful Christmas holiday this year. And that always makes me feel good.
And while all the mania at work was going on, some flowers arrived from someone trying to remind me that I'm great and wishing me a good week. I LOVE when that happens. Surprises are the best, especially the kind that are aimed at making you feel better when life seems a little overwhelming.
Anyway, I think it was a good lesson in if you expect good things, good things will happen. I always talk about this, but sometimes I forget to believe it.
So, there may be several things I'd still like to happen in my life -- like my condo selling -- I know that all those things will happen exactly when they are supposed to. I know that because I believe it. And for today, I really, really believe it.
Then this morning when I woke up I was faced with an actually bitter cold Monday, which did not encourage me to jump right out of bed and head to the gym despite the fact that I had already packed a bag to take with me.
Still, I left home feeling like today could be a good day. I'm not exactly sure why because all the signs were pointing in a different direction -- long hearing, lots of work to do, no workout this morning -- still I felt positive.
And you know what? I was right.
Got to the hearing and it was a moot point as the charges were dropped. Got to work and one fire after another started building up, but still managed to get through it despite the aggravations.
Dropped off my Angel Tree bags and a gift card to the Center for Women and Families so that some other people can have a wonderful Christmas holiday this year. And that always makes me feel good.
And while all the mania at work was going on, some flowers arrived from someone trying to remind me that I'm great and wishing me a good week. I LOVE when that happens. Surprises are the best, especially the kind that are aimed at making you feel better when life seems a little overwhelming.
Anyway, I think it was a good lesson in if you expect good things, good things will happen. I always talk about this, but sometimes I forget to believe it.
So, there may be several things I'd still like to happen in my life -- like my condo selling -- I know that all those things will happen exactly when they are supposed to. I know that because I believe it. And for today, I really, really believe it.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Boys, this is stupid...
So, I was reading this piece in the New York Times the other day. (I will take a moment to pause and say that I really heart the NYT.) It was yet another story about how the age of female empowerment is making it tough on those same empowered females to find romance.
Really? I've never heard this before. Since I was in high school lamenting about the lack of boys asking me on dates, I've heard this same refrain about how intimidating I am. It gets a little old actually. I mean, I've always wondered what I'm supposed to do about that. Am I supposed to pretend I don't have ideas? Am I supposed to pretend I don't live on my own, pay my own mortgage, take out my own garbage, etc? Am I supposed to giggle ridiculously at stupid jokes just so a guy thinks I like him?
I mean, really. I'm not so independent that I wouldn't be thrilled to let someone else take out the garbage or balance the checkbook. If he's funny, I will laugh and it will probably be a good belly laugh, not a piercing annoying giggle. I like it when a guy opens the door for me and I don't mind him picking up the check. I'm not one of those women who can't be taken care of or girly. Jeesh, but if I don't take care of myself, exactly who is going to do it?
This article talks about how much harder it is for women in their 30s who have become successful to find men. No kidding. At 37, I think I'm acutely aware by now how difficult dating can be. But I also subscribe to the state of thought that if I have to act like a different person to meet a guy who I can date, what exactly would be the point of that? At this stage in my life, I am actually really happy with who I am. I'm not inflexible and I could certainly adapt to someone else's quirks, but I've worked really hard to be where I am now and I don't think there's any reason to try to hide that.
Really the reason I'm writing about this article is that I found it really encouraging because there were some women in the story who have found men who are perfectly ok with successful women. It just reaffirms what I've always believed -- that if you just go for what you want, eventually someone will come along who appreciates you for it and wants to share the ride. Ok, so I haven't found that guy for myself yet, but I suspect he's out there somewhere.
See, I told you I'd start writing more. Feels good.
Really? I've never heard this before. Since I was in high school lamenting about the lack of boys asking me on dates, I've heard this same refrain about how intimidating I am. It gets a little old actually. I mean, I've always wondered what I'm supposed to do about that. Am I supposed to pretend I don't have ideas? Am I supposed to pretend I don't live on my own, pay my own mortgage, take out my own garbage, etc? Am I supposed to giggle ridiculously at stupid jokes just so a guy thinks I like him?
I mean, really. I'm not so independent that I wouldn't be thrilled to let someone else take out the garbage or balance the checkbook. If he's funny, I will laugh and it will probably be a good belly laugh, not a piercing annoying giggle. I like it when a guy opens the door for me and I don't mind him picking up the check. I'm not one of those women who can't be taken care of or girly. Jeesh, but if I don't take care of myself, exactly who is going to do it?
This article talks about how much harder it is for women in their 30s who have become successful to find men. No kidding. At 37, I think I'm acutely aware by now how difficult dating can be. But I also subscribe to the state of thought that if I have to act like a different person to meet a guy who I can date, what exactly would be the point of that? At this stage in my life, I am actually really happy with who I am. I'm not inflexible and I could certainly adapt to someone else's quirks, but I've worked really hard to be where I am now and I don't think there's any reason to try to hide that.
Really the reason I'm writing about this article is that I found it really encouraging because there were some women in the story who have found men who are perfectly ok with successful women. It just reaffirms what I've always believed -- that if you just go for what you want, eventually someone will come along who appreciates you for it and wants to share the ride. Ok, so I haven't found that guy for myself yet, but I suspect he's out there somewhere.
See, I told you I'd start writing more. Feels good.
Monday, November 29, 2010
I haven't been writing much ...
Ok, so it's not exactly true that I haven't been writing. I'm still writing every day for the C-J -- and it seems like there is always more to write about. But I haven't been writing for myself in a long time. So, I'm going to try to get back on the wagon. I think it would be a good way for me to get some of my creative juices flowing again.
I've been trying to think of things to get myself excited about. Lately, it's felt like mostly I'm just juggling and trying to keep the balls from crashing to the ground. So, I'm going to try to come up with some little mini-adventures. They could be simple things -- dinner with a friend, reading a new book, anything. The possibilities are endless. I'm going to try to keep my mind on the positives and what I'm doing that reaches beyond myself.
Maybe it's something about the new year looming -- if anyone can tell me how we got to that point again so soon please let me know. But I want to try to keep myself thinking beyond the murder and mayhem that is my everyday writing exercise.
Last year was a rough one ... and this year is all about being kind to myself and doing some things that push me out of my comfort zone.
So, I'm throwing down my own gauntlet. Adventure suggestions welcome ... and I hope that I will amuse you or inspire you a bit along the way.
I've been trying to think of things to get myself excited about. Lately, it's felt like mostly I'm just juggling and trying to keep the balls from crashing to the ground. So, I'm going to try to come up with some little mini-adventures. They could be simple things -- dinner with a friend, reading a new book, anything. The possibilities are endless. I'm going to try to keep my mind on the positives and what I'm doing that reaches beyond myself.
Maybe it's something about the new year looming -- if anyone can tell me how we got to that point again so soon please let me know. But I want to try to keep myself thinking beyond the murder and mayhem that is my everyday writing exercise.
Last year was a rough one ... and this year is all about being kind to myself and doing some things that push me out of my comfort zone.
So, I'm throwing down my own gauntlet. Adventure suggestions welcome ... and I hope that I will amuse you or inspire you a bit along the way.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
In search of the positive...
"All progress starts with a seed of self-appreciation."
I came across this in one of my daily readings this week and it has really stuck with me. Lately, it's been kind of a challenge for me to find the self-appreciation.
I'm not sure this is an uncommon affliction, but I have long-struggled with finding the positives about myself. It's a lot easier for me to beat up on myself and push myself ever harder to reach whatever the goal of the moment is. To tell myself I'm not worthy of something rather than that I'm an amazing person who brings a lot to the world. (I do know these things, but not always in the front of my brain.)
Take my marathon in San Diego ... I ran it. I finished it in less than six hours. I never gave up even when I was running alone. I tried to soak in the scenery as much as possible. But I was still a bit disappointed. My chip time said I'd run 2.5 minutes slower than I'd done in San Francisco, with an injury. Never mind that my satellite-based Garmin said I did all that with an extra .4 miles with all the dodging among people and searching for flat ground on the interstate I did. Never mind that the sun started beating down on me well before I thought it would -- on this day I did not get the benefit of the early cloud cover that San Diego is known for in June. Never mind that I spent a lot of time thinking about the reason I was running this race -- my father's illness and struggle to be well. It was emotional. Never mind that I raised more than $5,000 to fight leukemia in order to run the race. Even with all those logical reasons for not having a record-setting day and the amazing way I felt after even, I was still disappointed in myself.
It's taken me awhile to shake it. This whole week, I've been trying to reframe my thinking. Trying to find my successes instead of my perceived failures.
I made a list of all the things in my life that I can't control, even though I want desperately to control them. I'm letting them go. I will not make my boss be interested in what I'm working on. Can't make that happen. I will not sell the condo before its time so I can buy a house. Can't force someone to make an offer. I cannot figure out when a guy is interested or not ... just have to roll with that and besides I'd already decided I didn't need to be dating.
It's a struggle. And it's sometimes hard to stay positive when you have to run out two hours before your long weekend starts to cover a stabbing death and then learn about a kid dying at a daycare earlier in the day. How can you be positive in the face of such ugliness?
I guess my answer is I don't have any other choice. I continue to try to put the positive spin on things. I keep repeating things to myself -- "The condo will sell." "At least my story is good, even if they are holding it/not reading it/insert bad work thing here." "I'm so lucky to have friends that make me laugh/listen when I'm whiny/who are looking forward to seeing me."
And the one my father keeps saying, which inspires me in the face of all he's dealing with. "This too shall pass."
Not sure where all this is going but felt I needed to get some of these thoughts out on paper. My resolve for now is to be happy where I am instead of worrying about where I'm going to be. I'm going to revel in the moment as much as possible. That's a good place to start I think.
Happy 4th and thanks for letting me get it out.
And a quick update on my dad: He is home from the hospital and doing much better, though he still has down days. He was in the hospital for 46 days for a bone marrow transplate. He came home for a few days, when I was able to see him and give him my marathon medal, and then he was back in for about 10 days. But now he's home again and hopefully staying there. Still a long road to recovery so keep the prayers coming and thanks for that.
Jess
I came across this in one of my daily readings this week and it has really stuck with me. Lately, it's been kind of a challenge for me to find the self-appreciation.
I'm not sure this is an uncommon affliction, but I have long-struggled with finding the positives about myself. It's a lot easier for me to beat up on myself and push myself ever harder to reach whatever the goal of the moment is. To tell myself I'm not worthy of something rather than that I'm an amazing person who brings a lot to the world. (I do know these things, but not always in the front of my brain.)
Take my marathon in San Diego ... I ran it. I finished it in less than six hours. I never gave up even when I was running alone. I tried to soak in the scenery as much as possible. But I was still a bit disappointed. My chip time said I'd run 2.5 minutes slower than I'd done in San Francisco, with an injury. Never mind that my satellite-based Garmin said I did all that with an extra .4 miles with all the dodging among people and searching for flat ground on the interstate I did. Never mind that the sun started beating down on me well before I thought it would -- on this day I did not get the benefit of the early cloud cover that San Diego is known for in June. Never mind that I spent a lot of time thinking about the reason I was running this race -- my father's illness and struggle to be well. It was emotional. Never mind that I raised more than $5,000 to fight leukemia in order to run the race. Even with all those logical reasons for not having a record-setting day and the amazing way I felt after even, I was still disappointed in myself.
It's taken me awhile to shake it. This whole week, I've been trying to reframe my thinking. Trying to find my successes instead of my perceived failures.
I made a list of all the things in my life that I can't control, even though I want desperately to control them. I'm letting them go. I will not make my boss be interested in what I'm working on. Can't make that happen. I will not sell the condo before its time so I can buy a house. Can't force someone to make an offer. I cannot figure out when a guy is interested or not ... just have to roll with that and besides I'd already decided I didn't need to be dating.
It's a struggle. And it's sometimes hard to stay positive when you have to run out two hours before your long weekend starts to cover a stabbing death and then learn about a kid dying at a daycare earlier in the day. How can you be positive in the face of such ugliness?
I guess my answer is I don't have any other choice. I continue to try to put the positive spin on things. I keep repeating things to myself -- "The condo will sell." "At least my story is good, even if they are holding it/not reading it/insert bad work thing here." "I'm so lucky to have friends that make me laugh/listen when I'm whiny/who are looking forward to seeing me."
And the one my father keeps saying, which inspires me in the face of all he's dealing with. "This too shall pass."
Not sure where all this is going but felt I needed to get some of these thoughts out on paper. My resolve for now is to be happy where I am instead of worrying about where I'm going to be. I'm going to revel in the moment as much as possible. That's a good place to start I think.
Happy 4th and thanks for letting me get it out.
And a quick update on my dad: He is home from the hospital and doing much better, though he still has down days. He was in the hospital for 46 days for a bone marrow transplate. He came home for a few days, when I was able to see him and give him my marathon medal, and then he was back in for about 10 days. But now he's home again and hopefully staying there. Still a long road to recovery so keep the prayers coming and thanks for that.
Jess
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Where does the time go?
This morning I got here at 6 a.m. for the dreaded morning shift duties and for some reason I looked up at the quote board in front of my desk. This is the place where my colleagues and I immortalize some of our funniest or most outlandish sayings so that we can remember them. Mine tend to be those things you say in the heat of the moment and didn't think too much about.
But back to my point. As I looked at one of the quotes I noticed it was from May 2008. Seriously? I remember saying it (it has something to do with assaulting an editor -- all in fun of course). But how could it have been two years ago?
Lately it seems like my life is on fast forward. And as it gets imminently closer to my birthday, I'm having that feeling on overdrive. Now, I'm not freaking out about turning 37 -- I mean not a total freak out as can happen on odd-year birthdays for me. But I do find myself wondering how I got to this point in my life so quickly.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm actually pretty happy with where I am. Sure, when I pictured my life 10 years ago, I didn't expect that I would have stayed in one place for nearly 7 years -- or that I would be selling my condo and looking for houses, which basically indicates I have no plans to leave Louisville. Shocker.
I certainly didn't imagine that at 37 I'd still be trying to navigate the singles scene. I mean I am a fantastic catch -- please spread the word about that to your single male (straight) friends in their mid-30s to early 40s. I'm serious about that. But after a very painful breakup and another stab at dating, I realize that I'm ok with this and that eventually the right person will come along. And in the meantime, I'm learning so much about other people and myself. And I'm being honest about what I'm looking for.
I didn't imagine that my father would be in the hospital, post stem cell transplant. He's hanging in there but it's been a very rough road for him. We're still waiting for his white cell counts to start going up and pretty much the only thing that makes him feel better is popsicles. (This by the way is my niece Alaina's answer to being sick -- eat popsicles and ice cream.)
And I never thought that I would have turned into a marathoner. I think it's safe to say that as I prepare for my second marathon in less than a year that I've become a marathoner, especially since I'm already signed up to do the Chicago marathon on Oct. 10. It's hard to believe that in just over a week I'll be at the starting line of the San Diego marathon. And on top of all the training, I was able to raise (with much generous support) more than $5,400 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team in Training. Not to brag, but I was the top fundraiser on my local team, with Maggie a close second also going over $5,000. That's more than $10,000 by Team Doug!!!! So, thanks for that.
I guess my point is that time flies. And as I start to do that annual assessment that inevitably comes with each of my birthdays -- I have a lot of blessings to count. While I could sit around and think about the negatives -- because there are plenty of those -- I'm proud of myself that at this point in my life, I chose to count the positives. I'm grateful for all those painful things of the past six months or so because they have really taught me a lot and ultimately made me stronger.
And I'm grateful for all the people in my life who have helped me get through this time. I've met some new friends. I've gotten closer to old friends. And even those people who have fallen out of my life lately, I still hold them in a special place in my heart and carry the lessons I learned from them no matter how painful the separation has been.
So, Happy Birthday to me. By this time next year (which will be here in an instant) I will have a new house, hopefully some new friends, maybe even a special guy, another couple marathons under my belt, more great stories, and who knows what else -- the possibilities are endless.
But back to my point. As I looked at one of the quotes I noticed it was from May 2008. Seriously? I remember saying it (it has something to do with assaulting an editor -- all in fun of course). But how could it have been two years ago?
Lately it seems like my life is on fast forward. And as it gets imminently closer to my birthday, I'm having that feeling on overdrive. Now, I'm not freaking out about turning 37 -- I mean not a total freak out as can happen on odd-year birthdays for me. But I do find myself wondering how I got to this point in my life so quickly.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm actually pretty happy with where I am. Sure, when I pictured my life 10 years ago, I didn't expect that I would have stayed in one place for nearly 7 years -- or that I would be selling my condo and looking for houses, which basically indicates I have no plans to leave Louisville. Shocker.
I certainly didn't imagine that at 37 I'd still be trying to navigate the singles scene. I mean I am a fantastic catch -- please spread the word about that to your single male (straight) friends in their mid-30s to early 40s. I'm serious about that. But after a very painful breakup and another stab at dating, I realize that I'm ok with this and that eventually the right person will come along. And in the meantime, I'm learning so much about other people and myself. And I'm being honest about what I'm looking for.
I didn't imagine that my father would be in the hospital, post stem cell transplant. He's hanging in there but it's been a very rough road for him. We're still waiting for his white cell counts to start going up and pretty much the only thing that makes him feel better is popsicles. (This by the way is my niece Alaina's answer to being sick -- eat popsicles and ice cream.)
And I never thought that I would have turned into a marathoner. I think it's safe to say that as I prepare for my second marathon in less than a year that I've become a marathoner, especially since I'm already signed up to do the Chicago marathon on Oct. 10. It's hard to believe that in just over a week I'll be at the starting line of the San Diego marathon. And on top of all the training, I was able to raise (with much generous support) more than $5,400 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team in Training. Not to brag, but I was the top fundraiser on my local team, with Maggie a close second also going over $5,000. That's more than $10,000 by Team Doug!!!! So, thanks for that.
I guess my point is that time flies. And as I start to do that annual assessment that inevitably comes with each of my birthdays -- I have a lot of blessings to count. While I could sit around and think about the negatives -- because there are plenty of those -- I'm proud of myself that at this point in my life, I chose to count the positives. I'm grateful for all those painful things of the past six months or so because they have really taught me a lot and ultimately made me stronger.
And I'm grateful for all the people in my life who have helped me get through this time. I've met some new friends. I've gotten closer to old friends. And even those people who have fallen out of my life lately, I still hold them in a special place in my heart and carry the lessons I learned from them no matter how painful the separation has been.
So, Happy Birthday to me. By this time next year (which will be here in an instant) I will have a new house, hopefully some new friends, maybe even a special guy, another couple marathons under my belt, more great stories, and who knows what else -- the possibilities are endless.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Running down a dream...
Saturday was another great run for me. I didn't set out on this marathon training to hit new personal records in each race, but it seems to be happening. I wasn't as fast in this 10 miler as the first two shorter races, but that was by design. I averaged 12.5 minute miles to finish in 2 hours and 5 minutes. That's five minutes less time than last year's race. And it was in the middle of a windy day, with a rainstorm in the middle. It felt really good though. And we did about 3 miles to start before the race.
It's an amazing feeling to push yourself beyond what you thought possible. And so far the pain in the knee is manageable. I'm staying on top of it and keeping myself stretched and doctored up. I think it helps to not run as many hills too.
But today I'm starting to feel it a bit. I have to run six in the morning, but as I sit here tonight, I'm exhausted. I feel the muscles aching. I just want to curl up on my couch and have someone bring me food and drink. But I'm going to head home (hopefully soon if the editors can focus long enough to finish my story) and slug up and down the steps to do laundry and figure out my own dinner situation.
It's ok. This is my life. I take care of myself and rely on the support of friends and family to keep encouraging me that I'm doing the right things. I really rely on that support. I'm counting on the kind words of encouragement. And sometimes they come from the unlikeliest of places. Today a co-worker -- someone I don't talk to or see that often -- came up to me and handed me $50 to give to the walk. It was great. And what was even better is that he was totally interested in what I'm doing and encouraging about it.
I never thought I'd be able to raise more than $4,000 in three months -- and more coming with fundraisers still planned and other donations still coming in. I never thought I'd be this ok with being on my own again. But the truth is, I'm happy with who I am. I would love to have someone to share it with -- but I'm ok with myself.
It's an amazing feeling to push yourself beyond what you thought possible. And so far the pain in the knee is manageable. I'm staying on top of it and keeping myself stretched and doctored up. I think it helps to not run as many hills too.
But today I'm starting to feel it a bit. I have to run six in the morning, but as I sit here tonight, I'm exhausted. I feel the muscles aching. I just want to curl up on my couch and have someone bring me food and drink. But I'm going to head home (hopefully soon if the editors can focus long enough to finish my story) and slug up and down the steps to do laundry and figure out my own dinner situation.
It's ok. This is my life. I take care of myself and rely on the support of friends and family to keep encouraging me that I'm doing the right things. I really rely on that support. I'm counting on the kind words of encouragement. And sometimes they come from the unlikeliest of places. Today a co-worker -- someone I don't talk to or see that often -- came up to me and handed me $50 to give to the walk. It was great. And what was even better is that he was totally interested in what I'm doing and encouraging about it.
I never thought I'd be able to raise more than $4,000 in three months -- and more coming with fundraisers still planned and other donations still coming in. I never thought I'd be this ok with being on my own again. But the truth is, I'm happy with who I am. I would love to have someone to share it with -- but I'm ok with myself.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Spring has sprung
As I get older, time just seems to speed up. I've been thinking that I owe myself (and anyone who reads this) a blog entry. But every day seems to end without one getting written. But, when I realized the last time I posted was nearly two months ago, I couldn't believe it.
So here we go. I'm going to try to get back in the blogging routine. I'm no less busy, probably more so these days. But I'm going to try for at least once a week. We'll see how it goes.
These past two months have flown by ... filled with life lessons, laughter, tears and a whole bunch of monotonous work in between. Someday -- hopefully April 11 -- you guys will be able to read the series of stories that have occupied much of my time over the past couple months. I'm not giving away much, but I'm very proud of them. I hope you will enjoy them.
I feel happier than I have in a long time, which is a weird feeling because it continues to mingle with a lot of anxiety and worry in my life too. But it's to be expected. Mostly I just feel an overwhelming sense of pride in myself that I've been able to manage all the daily stuff while keeping some fun in my life. There are a lot of things that could have sidelined me into an abyss of sadness and depression -- but it hasn't happened that way. It's a major accomplishment actually.
I've been running -- 15 miles logged so far this week with a big race and extra miles slated for Saturday. Woo-hoo. The fundraising has been amazing. So many thanks to give out to my friends ... and there are thank you cards in the works too.
Derby is quickly approaching and that is always great fun coupled with a lot of work.
It's just one of my favorite times of the year. This morning as I ran, I couldn't help noticing the daffodils on the side of the path. The buds springing up on the trees. The smell of spring in the air. It always makes me hopeful. That feeling is growing inside of me that good things are coming.
But part of what I realized today is that there are good things now ... not just those that await me. I could be sad that I don't have someone to go home to after a day of writing about a kid shot while playing with a gun with his brother. Or I can be grateful that I had a friend willing to go to dinner with me and let me debrief about it. I could be sad that my dad is starting chemo again next week in anticipation of his bone marrow transplant. Or I can be grateful that he's found an anonymous 23-year-old donor who is giving him a shot at a cure.
These are my choices. I choose gratitude. It's a much healthier, happier way to deal with things. It's the way Spring itself would handle it I think.
And it's amazing how when you choose this path, the universe (God, whatever you believe in) brings so much wonderful stuff into your life. In the past couple months, I've had full friendships and met new people I hope will become strong friends. I've won an award from my company -- for a story I pushed and worked my butt off to get (along with Marcus). I've gotten some freelance work. I've planned my trip to San Diego for the marathon .... lots of great stuff and some really small victories too.
Anyway ... that's probably enough for now. Feels good to be back at the blog game. : ) Enjoy the sunshine.
So here we go. I'm going to try to get back in the blogging routine. I'm no less busy, probably more so these days. But I'm going to try for at least once a week. We'll see how it goes.
These past two months have flown by ... filled with life lessons, laughter, tears and a whole bunch of monotonous work in between. Someday -- hopefully April 11 -- you guys will be able to read the series of stories that have occupied much of my time over the past couple months. I'm not giving away much, but I'm very proud of them. I hope you will enjoy them.
I feel happier than I have in a long time, which is a weird feeling because it continues to mingle with a lot of anxiety and worry in my life too. But it's to be expected. Mostly I just feel an overwhelming sense of pride in myself that I've been able to manage all the daily stuff while keeping some fun in my life. There are a lot of things that could have sidelined me into an abyss of sadness and depression -- but it hasn't happened that way. It's a major accomplishment actually.
I've been running -- 15 miles logged so far this week with a big race and extra miles slated for Saturday. Woo-hoo. The fundraising has been amazing. So many thanks to give out to my friends ... and there are thank you cards in the works too.
Derby is quickly approaching and that is always great fun coupled with a lot of work.
It's just one of my favorite times of the year. This morning as I ran, I couldn't help noticing the daffodils on the side of the path. The buds springing up on the trees. The smell of spring in the air. It always makes me hopeful. That feeling is growing inside of me that good things are coming.
But part of what I realized today is that there are good things now ... not just those that await me. I could be sad that I don't have someone to go home to after a day of writing about a kid shot while playing with a gun with his brother. Or I can be grateful that I had a friend willing to go to dinner with me and let me debrief about it. I could be sad that my dad is starting chemo again next week in anticipation of his bone marrow transplant. Or I can be grateful that he's found an anonymous 23-year-old donor who is giving him a shot at a cure.
These are my choices. I choose gratitude. It's a much healthier, happier way to deal with things. It's the way Spring itself would handle it I think.
And it's amazing how when you choose this path, the universe (God, whatever you believe in) brings so much wonderful stuff into your life. In the past couple months, I've had full friendships and met new people I hope will become strong friends. I've won an award from my company -- for a story I pushed and worked my butt off to get (along with Marcus). I've gotten some freelance work. I've planned my trip to San Diego for the marathon .... lots of great stuff and some really small victories too.
Anyway ... that's probably enough for now. Feels good to be back at the blog game. : ) Enjoy the sunshine.
Friday, February 5, 2010
My kind of town... Chicago is.
I have been completely overwhelmed in the past few days --- actually, I write that and think it has actually been much longer than that. I'm completely overwhelmed ... period.
Work has been insane. I've had a ton of great stories. I'm staying on the front page and keeping myself really busy digging into all kinds of corruption and bad deeds. Had a heartbreaking story last week about a man charged with killing his 7-week old son ... and found he'd already been to prison for killing his 5-week old son about 18 years ago. Awful.
Continue to chase down fire chiefs and public housing property managers. And I'm finally getting pulled off all daily responsibilities in order to work on a story I've wanted to tell for a long time. I'm super excited about it but completely overwhelmed about the amount of work and the insane deadlines they've given me on it.
I kept up with all my runs this past week ... logging a total of 7 so far this week. We're supposed to do four in the morning, but the forecast is calling for snow so I don't know how that will turn out. If not tomorrow, maybe I can get in a run on Sunday. We'll just have to see what Mother Nature decides. Right now she's not doing the runners of TEAM in Training any favors.
Speaking of running, I totally got inspired and registered myself for the Chicago marathon -- to be run on 10/10/10 in one of my favorite cities -- thus the title of the blog. It gives me an excuse to visit all my girls there ... which I hope to do in March as well as I take the little sis on some college visits. If I think about that too long I feel really old thinking about my baby sister being old enough to start thinking about college. Yikes. Moving on.
Dad went home this week so that is great news. Haven't had much communication with him, but I'm told he's doing better.
My heart still aches but the pain is getting a little less with each passing week. I feel a lot better about prospects and feel more positive more often. I'm pretty sure there is someone out there who will figure out that I'm quite a catch. It still stings to feel rejected by someone you spent so much of your time loving. I still pray every day for him that he will find happiness for himself. I wish I could have been a part of that, but he didn't want me too. And that really has very little to do with me.
In the meantime, I'm not letting any grass grow under my feet. There are so many positive things coming up for me. And I'm just trying to figure out how to manage them all. I've been sewing, working on some quilting projects. I'm running. I'm fundraising. I'm going to dinner with friends. I'm bowling (though still not well.) And I'm learning how to let myself settle down and be alone too. That's the most important one.
Sorry, just had a little wave of sadness spread over me there for a bit. But I'm mostly feeling good and staying positive ... I can feel how much I've grown over the past several weeks. It's a good thing. But change is hard.
Remember ... San Diego in June or Chicago in October. Plenty of chances to come cheer me on ... or just keep the cheerleading coming in between too.
Work has been insane. I've had a ton of great stories. I'm staying on the front page and keeping myself really busy digging into all kinds of corruption and bad deeds. Had a heartbreaking story last week about a man charged with killing his 7-week old son ... and found he'd already been to prison for killing his 5-week old son about 18 years ago. Awful.
Continue to chase down fire chiefs and public housing property managers. And I'm finally getting pulled off all daily responsibilities in order to work on a story I've wanted to tell for a long time. I'm super excited about it but completely overwhelmed about the amount of work and the insane deadlines they've given me on it.
I kept up with all my runs this past week ... logging a total of 7 so far this week. We're supposed to do four in the morning, but the forecast is calling for snow so I don't know how that will turn out. If not tomorrow, maybe I can get in a run on Sunday. We'll just have to see what Mother Nature decides. Right now she's not doing the runners of TEAM in Training any favors.
Speaking of running, I totally got inspired and registered myself for the Chicago marathon -- to be run on 10/10/10 in one of my favorite cities -- thus the title of the blog. It gives me an excuse to visit all my girls there ... which I hope to do in March as well as I take the little sis on some college visits. If I think about that too long I feel really old thinking about my baby sister being old enough to start thinking about college. Yikes. Moving on.
Dad went home this week so that is great news. Haven't had much communication with him, but I'm told he's doing better.
My heart still aches but the pain is getting a little less with each passing week. I feel a lot better about prospects and feel more positive more often. I'm pretty sure there is someone out there who will figure out that I'm quite a catch. It still stings to feel rejected by someone you spent so much of your time loving. I still pray every day for him that he will find happiness for himself. I wish I could have been a part of that, but he didn't want me too. And that really has very little to do with me.
In the meantime, I'm not letting any grass grow under my feet. There are so many positive things coming up for me. And I'm just trying to figure out how to manage them all. I've been sewing, working on some quilting projects. I'm running. I'm fundraising. I'm going to dinner with friends. I'm bowling (though still not well.) And I'm learning how to let myself settle down and be alone too. That's the most important one.
Sorry, just had a little wave of sadness spread over me there for a bit. But I'm mostly feeling good and staying positive ... I can feel how much I've grown over the past several weeks. It's a good thing. But change is hard.
Remember ... San Diego in June or Chicago in October. Plenty of chances to come cheer me on ... or just keep the cheerleading coming in between too.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Come Monday, it will be alright ...
I'm going to chalk last week up to being one of the worst I've had in a very long time, and that's saying a lot given the kind of weeks I've had recently.
But things might just be turning around a bit ... at least that's the way I'm going to look at it.
I was able to talk to my dad on the phone for the first time in over a week. That in and of itself is a miracle given how sick he was last week -- causing my impromptu travel home. It's a miracle we didn't lose him. So though his voice sounds weak and he's obviously got a long way to go, things are improving. He doesn't even remember me being home but it's a choice I would make again in a heartbeat.
I can't really explain the trauma the whole experience caused me and how completely lost I've felt as a result of it. All I can say is that it is totally life changing.
I really appreciate all the prayers that have been sent my way and for my dad as well. I believe it can work and does. But I've been in such a pit of bad energy over the last couple of days that just simply has to change. It's really hard to bear the weight of all this stuff, but I know I can do it. I feel, even in my weakness, how strong I am. And I have great people in my life to support me along the way.
And it seems like in times like these you really see people for who they are ... it's amazing sometimes how focused we all get on our own lives that we don't stop to think about what other people are going through. We all have stuff ... and I hope that even in the midst of this in my life, I'm still taking time to check on others and see if they are doing ok.
So, my goal for this week is to avoid the passive aggressive behavior that some folks thrive on -- and I'm not always exempt from that -- and not get caught up in the drama of those folks. I want to focus on what I need to get done, be compassionate to others as I'm taking care of myself and to find something to enjoy.
I hope you all have a good week and that I can exhibit some peace and grace in the craziness that is my life at the moment.
But things might just be turning around a bit ... at least that's the way I'm going to look at it.
I was able to talk to my dad on the phone for the first time in over a week. That in and of itself is a miracle given how sick he was last week -- causing my impromptu travel home. It's a miracle we didn't lose him. So though his voice sounds weak and he's obviously got a long way to go, things are improving. He doesn't even remember me being home but it's a choice I would make again in a heartbeat.
I can't really explain the trauma the whole experience caused me and how completely lost I've felt as a result of it. All I can say is that it is totally life changing.
I really appreciate all the prayers that have been sent my way and for my dad as well. I believe it can work and does. But I've been in such a pit of bad energy over the last couple of days that just simply has to change. It's really hard to bear the weight of all this stuff, but I know I can do it. I feel, even in my weakness, how strong I am. And I have great people in my life to support me along the way.
And it seems like in times like these you really see people for who they are ... it's amazing sometimes how focused we all get on our own lives that we don't stop to think about what other people are going through. We all have stuff ... and I hope that even in the midst of this in my life, I'm still taking time to check on others and see if they are doing ok.
So, my goal for this week is to avoid the passive aggressive behavior that some folks thrive on -- and I'm not always exempt from that -- and not get caught up in the drama of those folks. I want to focus on what I need to get done, be compassionate to others as I'm taking care of myself and to find something to enjoy.
I hope you all have a good week and that I can exhibit some peace and grace in the craziness that is my life at the moment.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Falling behind ...
I just wanted to put something up quickly to give you all the latest update on what's going on with me. I had great intentions of writing a final blog to finish up my 29 gifts -- which I did complete on Jan 10 thanks to a night at the movies with friends and a salad taken to a cards night with other friends. It was a great experience that I may try to repeat sometime in the future.
Then I was going to update you on my efforts to write more letters and get one out each week. I sent the first one in a card to my dad. But I missed the second week because of some downturns with my father.
On Sunday, I rushed home to Detroit after my father went into the hospital Saturday due to some complications from his last round of chemo. I decided I better go home after my sister called to tell me he'd been put on a ventilator early Sunday and was considered critical. I didn't realize then how bad things really were. I think we're lucky we didn't lose him on Saturday actually.
Basically, he went into septic shock. Had dangerously low blood pressure and was having trouble getting oxygen to his system. He has a couple of nasty infections, which isn't good since he has absolutely no immune system thanks to the chemo blasts. I spent the past couple days mostly at the hospital and with family. He's been sedated the whole time. I hope he knows I was there, but I don't really know if he did or not.
He is showing some signs of improvement as his blood pressure is stabilized and he spent a lot of time yesterday breathing with minimal help from the vent. With that, I decided to get on my plane back to Louisville, despite not seeing him wake up. But he was showing some signs of movement and coming off the sedation so I'm hopeful he will be more alert today and that the vent can come out soon.
He's definitely turned a corner but is not out of the woods yet. He's going to be in the hospital for awhile I think but I don't really know what the next steps are. We've just been trying to get him out of the most severe danger.
It's been a pretty awful few days and being back at work doesn't feel great either though it gives me something else to think about. I realize I have a lot of great friends and people in my life who support me. I believe in the power of prayer and positive energy so I appreciate all that is being sent our way. I only ask that you keep it coming.
I hope you'll understand if I'm a little out of it for the moment. It's been very emotional and really makes me think about a lot of things in my life. I'm trying to be positive, but not always succeeding too well. I'm not sure when I'll have to go back to Detroit, but feel like I have to be prepared for anything at any time.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks and give you all an update in the most succinct way possible. Sorry if I'm not returning every call or text message ... but I know you understand.
Then I was going to update you on my efforts to write more letters and get one out each week. I sent the first one in a card to my dad. But I missed the second week because of some downturns with my father.
On Sunday, I rushed home to Detroit after my father went into the hospital Saturday due to some complications from his last round of chemo. I decided I better go home after my sister called to tell me he'd been put on a ventilator early Sunday and was considered critical. I didn't realize then how bad things really were. I think we're lucky we didn't lose him on Saturday actually.
Basically, he went into septic shock. Had dangerously low blood pressure and was having trouble getting oxygen to his system. He has a couple of nasty infections, which isn't good since he has absolutely no immune system thanks to the chemo blasts. I spent the past couple days mostly at the hospital and with family. He's been sedated the whole time. I hope he knows I was there, but I don't really know if he did or not.
He is showing some signs of improvement as his blood pressure is stabilized and he spent a lot of time yesterday breathing with minimal help from the vent. With that, I decided to get on my plane back to Louisville, despite not seeing him wake up. But he was showing some signs of movement and coming off the sedation so I'm hopeful he will be more alert today and that the vent can come out soon.
He's definitely turned a corner but is not out of the woods yet. He's going to be in the hospital for awhile I think but I don't really know what the next steps are. We've just been trying to get him out of the most severe danger.
It's been a pretty awful few days and being back at work doesn't feel great either though it gives me something else to think about. I realize I have a lot of great friends and people in my life who support me. I believe in the power of prayer and positive energy so I appreciate all that is being sent our way. I only ask that you keep it coming.
I hope you'll understand if I'm a little out of it for the moment. It's been very emotional and really makes me think about a lot of things in my life. I'm trying to be positive, but not always succeeding too well. I'm not sure when I'll have to go back to Detroit, but feel like I have to be prepared for anything at any time.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks and give you all an update in the most succinct way possible. Sorry if I'm not returning every call or text message ... but I know you understand.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Cold, bitter morning
Working the morning shift this morning so I'm up way too early. And I feel like either my allergies are going crazy or I'm actually on the brink of a cold. Either way, not fun. But I'm chugging the Emergen-C and drinking hot tea to cope.
Getting close to the end of the giving challenge. Trying to think of a good way to end it ... and really I think I'll continue to do it on some level. I want to be mindful of the gifts I'm giving and try to give them regularly and acknowledge them. I don't think I'll commit to doing it every day, but definitely want to keep the spirit going.
Day 25: Was really hoping to find a good gift and I got one. I asked a friend if she wanted to go to lunch and it turns out she was having a pretty bad morning. So, I scooped her up and whisked her out of the building and bought her lunch, which was just what she needed. I like these gifts where really the gift is the time together. I might have bought the lunch, but it was really the time that mattered the most.
Day 26: Today I put in my first donation to the Leukemia Lymphoma Society -- toward my marathon in San Diego. I was able to turn in $1,000 -- including $50 from myself. It feels really good. I'm hoping to be done with my fundraising early so that I can help Maggie and Denise with theirs and not have to worry about it. But instead, I can just focus on the training, which I'm sure it going to be challenging even if I stay healthy. It's really hard to train outside in the winter because I'm really not trying to run on ice and fall again. One fall is enough for me.
Only three days left of the challenge. I'm on the lookout for today's gift.
I'm just putting one foot in front of the other. I'm trying to work on my patience. I know all kinds of great things are in store for me ... I really honestly believe it. But I've been struggling this week to feel that strongly. Someone told me recently that you can't get the things you want unless you really believe they are possible. But I've been wondering this week if that means you're not supposed to have any doubts. I figure even the best of us have doubts so that must be part of the equation.
But I do honestly know that all the dreams I have will come true. I'm not sure when, but I know they are coming. Just one step at a time.
Getting close to the end of the giving challenge. Trying to think of a good way to end it ... and really I think I'll continue to do it on some level. I want to be mindful of the gifts I'm giving and try to give them regularly and acknowledge them. I don't think I'll commit to doing it every day, but definitely want to keep the spirit going.
Day 25: Was really hoping to find a good gift and I got one. I asked a friend if she wanted to go to lunch and it turns out she was having a pretty bad morning. So, I scooped her up and whisked her out of the building and bought her lunch, which was just what she needed. I like these gifts where really the gift is the time together. I might have bought the lunch, but it was really the time that mattered the most.
Day 26: Today I put in my first donation to the Leukemia Lymphoma Society -- toward my marathon in San Diego. I was able to turn in $1,000 -- including $50 from myself. It feels really good. I'm hoping to be done with my fundraising early so that I can help Maggie and Denise with theirs and not have to worry about it. But instead, I can just focus on the training, which I'm sure it going to be challenging even if I stay healthy. It's really hard to train outside in the winter because I'm really not trying to run on ice and fall again. One fall is enough for me.
Only three days left of the challenge. I'm on the lookout for today's gift.
I'm just putting one foot in front of the other. I'm trying to work on my patience. I know all kinds of great things are in store for me ... I really honestly believe it. But I've been struggling this week to feel that strongly. Someone told me recently that you can't get the things you want unless you really believe they are possible. But I've been wondering this week if that means you're not supposed to have any doubts. I figure even the best of us have doubts so that must be part of the equation.
But I do honestly know that all the dreams I have will come true. I'm not sure when, but I know they are coming. Just one step at a time.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Fake it til you make it ...
Day 23: Monday -- Maybe this doesn't count or is considered cheating but yesterday I gave myself a gift. Not a new pair of shoes or something really nice. But I gave myself two hours of watching bad television and taking down the Christmas decorations. It had to be done. And the only way that I could really talk myself into it was if I thought of it as a gift of getting my life in order.
I feel like maybe I haven't done a very good job with this 29 gifts challenge ... I mean I have been so busy it's been hard to think of things some days. Honestly, some days it's just been plain hard.
Started my day off today in tears and in a meeting with the bosses. I'm not enjoying the work situation at the moment. I have so many good stories that it is really hard to manage. That might seem like a good problem to have but it's very stressful and overwhelming because I don't feel like I'm managing any of them well. I don't know how to snap out of this one.
Sometimes I feel so sad but I feel like I'm trying to just put on a happy face and kind of fake it until I make it. I don't know if I'm crossing over into the category of stuffing my emotions or just trying to make the best of it. I feel like there are so many things weighing on me. I know I miss Ben, but I think I really miss the support and comfort of having a relationship. You know, someone who can say to me -- "I'll help you with the laundry or the dinner or the whatever." I've just been running myself around for the past several weeks trying to keep myself busy and occupied ... pushing myself into a routine that might help me come out of all this trauma in my life. It's not easy. I'm ready to just stop and rest. But I'm so afraid to do that because when I give myself that quiet, I'm just sad. It's getting better ... but it's not easy. As much as I love all my friends, it's hard to be the single one. It's hard to put on a happy face and try to focus on all the positives all the time. Sometimes I just feel like the stress is just weighing me down. I think that's why my shoulder has been in pretty bad pain for the past three weeks.
But the alternative isn't great either. I guess it's better to just keep plugging on ahead and keeping that smile on my face. I'm pushing myself to meet new people or connect with folks that I've always found interesting but didn't try to spend time with. I'm trying to increase the social circle. I'm gearing up for another round of marathon training. It's a lot on my plate. But when I think about it, I've always been this way. I've always been one to stay busy. And I am trying to do what's best for me.
Day 24: Today -- got online and tried this site, care2.org. You get on there and read things and make comments, sign petitions and it's all about earth healthy, green living, positive things. And you earn points by your actions on there. And then you turn the points into actions. So, I gave back a pound of carbon emissions on the site. I'm not sure how that actually works ... but I think it's good to stop and think about the carbon we put into the air and how it impacts the earth. So, it was a decent gift. Kinda ran out of steam today on the giving because I was so beaten down early in the day. But I hung out with good friends tonight and kicked off the new season of The Biggest Loser with them, so that helped my spirits.
Want to try to make it to the gym tomorrow.
And it was cool today because I was reminded how our own efforts to help ourselves put positive energy out there influence others. My yoga teacher, Nicole, told our class today that she's been inspired by my blog and started her own blog. She was talking about some yoga principles of giving and how putting our energy out there for others attracts good things into our lives. It's not just about how "you have to love yourself first" -- but it's about how we have to be able to share that love that attracts more love into our lives. I really believe that. I do love myself. But I have to be willing to keep sharing myself -- putting myself out there -- in order to get more love back.
Thanks for letting me work this out through the blog today -- maybe the answer is that I am tired and worn down and finding it harder to give and love. But if I just keep doing it, the returns will be great.
I feel like maybe I haven't done a very good job with this 29 gifts challenge ... I mean I have been so busy it's been hard to think of things some days. Honestly, some days it's just been plain hard.
Started my day off today in tears and in a meeting with the bosses. I'm not enjoying the work situation at the moment. I have so many good stories that it is really hard to manage. That might seem like a good problem to have but it's very stressful and overwhelming because I don't feel like I'm managing any of them well. I don't know how to snap out of this one.
Sometimes I feel so sad but I feel like I'm trying to just put on a happy face and kind of fake it until I make it. I don't know if I'm crossing over into the category of stuffing my emotions or just trying to make the best of it. I feel like there are so many things weighing on me. I know I miss Ben, but I think I really miss the support and comfort of having a relationship. You know, someone who can say to me -- "I'll help you with the laundry or the dinner or the whatever." I've just been running myself around for the past several weeks trying to keep myself busy and occupied ... pushing myself into a routine that might help me come out of all this trauma in my life. It's not easy. I'm ready to just stop and rest. But I'm so afraid to do that because when I give myself that quiet, I'm just sad. It's getting better ... but it's not easy. As much as I love all my friends, it's hard to be the single one. It's hard to put on a happy face and try to focus on all the positives all the time. Sometimes I just feel like the stress is just weighing me down. I think that's why my shoulder has been in pretty bad pain for the past three weeks.
But the alternative isn't great either. I guess it's better to just keep plugging on ahead and keeping that smile on my face. I'm pushing myself to meet new people or connect with folks that I've always found interesting but didn't try to spend time with. I'm trying to increase the social circle. I'm gearing up for another round of marathon training. It's a lot on my plate. But when I think about it, I've always been this way. I've always been one to stay busy. And I am trying to do what's best for me.
Day 24: Today -- got online and tried this site, care2.org. You get on there and read things and make comments, sign petitions and it's all about earth healthy, green living, positive things. And you earn points by your actions on there. And then you turn the points into actions. So, I gave back a pound of carbon emissions on the site. I'm not sure how that actually works ... but I think it's good to stop and think about the carbon we put into the air and how it impacts the earth. So, it was a decent gift. Kinda ran out of steam today on the giving because I was so beaten down early in the day. But I hung out with good friends tonight and kicked off the new season of The Biggest Loser with them, so that helped my spirits.
Want to try to make it to the gym tomorrow.
And it was cool today because I was reminded how our own efforts to help ourselves put positive energy out there influence others. My yoga teacher, Nicole, told our class today that she's been inspired by my blog and started her own blog. She was talking about some yoga principles of giving and how putting our energy out there for others attracts good things into our lives. It's not just about how "you have to love yourself first" -- but it's about how we have to be able to share that love that attracts more love into our lives. I really believe that. I do love myself. But I have to be willing to keep sharing myself -- putting myself out there -- in order to get more love back.
Thanks for letting me work this out through the blog today -- maybe the answer is that I am tired and worn down and finding it harder to give and love. But if I just keep doing it, the returns will be great.
Monday, January 4, 2010
New year ...
When I walked in to work this morning I faced a startling revelation ... just because it's a new year doesn't mean anything at work has changed magically. I think part of my problem is that I woke up with a raging sinus headache that really hasn't subsided throughout the day. It's a bit frustrating actually. I'm actually considering giving the Neti Pot a try, which is a big step as I've resisted the idea of sniffing water up my nose for a very long time. I seriously hate that sensation. But ... this headache sucks. But I'm hoping it's just sinuses and not a full on cold, which I fear it could be.
The giving ... it continues.
Day 19: New Year's Eve. Got out of work early a bit and spent some time with Sarah who is in town from LA and agreed to be my date for the evening. Got home and found a really nice note from someone I thought I'd lost touch with ... made me feel pretty good to know that I have her support even when I thought I might not given the breakup. Had a great time having dinner with friends and managed not to feel at all bad that I'd found myself single on New Year's Eve once again. Honestly, that's been the case most of my life so why start being really upset about it now. My gift for the day was a small donation to www.dinnergarden.org, which provides seeds to families so they can grow their own food. I really like the idea of it and thought it would be a good hopeful way to end the year thinking that maybe we could have fewer Americans going hungry this year.
Day 20: Friday -- Kept myself really busy this weekend. Went to brunch at a friends and saw two movies on Friday. My gift for the day was snacks for the Lusters when we went to see Invictus. Linda and Bill have been hugely helpful to me and always manage to be there to support me when I'm going through the good and bad times. It was just a small gesture that can't express how I really feel about them.
Day 21: Went for my first training run with TEAM in Training. Got a call at 7 a.m. that it was only 14 degrees and my other running partners didn't want to be out in that brutal of a chill. But for myself, I decided I needed to go. I couldn't miss the first training. So, I went and met Jere and we did just 4 miles. I tested out the new Garmin GPS watch my dad got me for Christmas and it was totally awesome. I do look kind of hard core sporting two watches and beeping constantly to keep up with my intervals. My lungs were burning with the cold air, but it felt really good. I'm going to get the whole training regimen sketched out here soon and will feel good to have a goal and hope the endorphins will help me out.
Denise and I went in search of a guitar for my brand new Wii ... and we found one and a set of drums which I got for a steal. And then we headed to Swag's to check out running gear. I was able to buy my gift of the day for Denise -- a 26.2 sticker for her car. Denise and I trained together for fall marathons and now she is joining Team in training to support me and may dad. And she plans to run the Louisville Derby marathon and Chicago (which I'm also planning on.) She gives me a lot of inspiration -- but I"m not jumping on the Derby marathon bandwagon. Two in one year is going to be enough for me.
Also had a great gathering at my house Saturday night and got to see a lot of friends and start the new year off with a little joy in my house. It was a lot of fun.
Day 22: Sunday. So, I started feeling the post-holiday blues a bit on Sunday. I don't know why but I think all the holiday activity started to catch up with me ... and the emotions too. I tried really hard to keep myself busy all day ... probably too busy. I'm going to have to find a way to slow it down and relax a little too.
The highlight of my day also was my gift for the day -- I picked up Elise and we headed to the movies to see the Princess and the Frog. She was pretty doggone excited. It was great to see that kind of 7-year-old enthusiasm. And it was a good movie too. And I was able to give her the Christmas presents I got her, which were well received. But the biggest gift was just the time together which to be fair was as big a gift for me as for her.
Day 23: Today ... not sure what today's gift is yet. But I'm on the hunt. Only a few more days to go and I want to try to be more mindful about them.
And an update on my dad ... he's officially considered to be in remission. Which is good. But probably his best chance is a bone marrow transplant and he doesn't have a donor yet. So, that's a bit nerve wracking. He's back in the hospital today for some new chemo. It's called consolidation therapy. It's pretty hard for me to wrap my head around and I think that's contributing to my general sense of the blues for the past couple days. So, send prayers and good karma to him this week while he's getting what he calls his "electric kool-aid."
The giving ... it continues.
Day 19: New Year's Eve. Got out of work early a bit and spent some time with Sarah who is in town from LA and agreed to be my date for the evening. Got home and found a really nice note from someone I thought I'd lost touch with ... made me feel pretty good to know that I have her support even when I thought I might not given the breakup. Had a great time having dinner with friends and managed not to feel at all bad that I'd found myself single on New Year's Eve once again. Honestly, that's been the case most of my life so why start being really upset about it now. My gift for the day was a small donation to www.dinnergarden.org, which provides seeds to families so they can grow their own food. I really like the idea of it and thought it would be a good hopeful way to end the year thinking that maybe we could have fewer Americans going hungry this year.
Day 20: Friday -- Kept myself really busy this weekend. Went to brunch at a friends and saw two movies on Friday. My gift for the day was snacks for the Lusters when we went to see Invictus. Linda and Bill have been hugely helpful to me and always manage to be there to support me when I'm going through the good and bad times. It was just a small gesture that can't express how I really feel about them.
Day 21: Went for my first training run with TEAM in Training. Got a call at 7 a.m. that it was only 14 degrees and my other running partners didn't want to be out in that brutal of a chill. But for myself, I decided I needed to go. I couldn't miss the first training. So, I went and met Jere and we did just 4 miles. I tested out the new Garmin GPS watch my dad got me for Christmas and it was totally awesome. I do look kind of hard core sporting two watches and beeping constantly to keep up with my intervals. My lungs were burning with the cold air, but it felt really good. I'm going to get the whole training regimen sketched out here soon and will feel good to have a goal and hope the endorphins will help me out.
Denise and I went in search of a guitar for my brand new Wii ... and we found one and a set of drums which I got for a steal. And then we headed to Swag's to check out running gear. I was able to buy my gift of the day for Denise -- a 26.2 sticker for her car. Denise and I trained together for fall marathons and now she is joining Team in training to support me and may dad. And she plans to run the Louisville Derby marathon and Chicago (which I'm also planning on.) She gives me a lot of inspiration -- but I"m not jumping on the Derby marathon bandwagon. Two in one year is going to be enough for me.
Also had a great gathering at my house Saturday night and got to see a lot of friends and start the new year off with a little joy in my house. It was a lot of fun.
Day 22: Sunday. So, I started feeling the post-holiday blues a bit on Sunday. I don't know why but I think all the holiday activity started to catch up with me ... and the emotions too. I tried really hard to keep myself busy all day ... probably too busy. I'm going to have to find a way to slow it down and relax a little too.
The highlight of my day also was my gift for the day -- I picked up Elise and we headed to the movies to see the Princess and the Frog. She was pretty doggone excited. It was great to see that kind of 7-year-old enthusiasm. And it was a good movie too. And I was able to give her the Christmas presents I got her, which were well received. But the biggest gift was just the time together which to be fair was as big a gift for me as for her.
Day 23: Today ... not sure what today's gift is yet. But I'm on the hunt. Only a few more days to go and I want to try to be more mindful about them.
And an update on my dad ... he's officially considered to be in remission. Which is good. But probably his best chance is a bone marrow transplant and he doesn't have a donor yet. So, that's a bit nerve wracking. He's back in the hospital today for some new chemo. It's called consolidation therapy. It's pretty hard for me to wrap my head around and I think that's contributing to my general sense of the blues for the past couple days. So, send prayers and good karma to him this week while he's getting what he calls his "electric kool-aid."
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Ringing in the new year ...
I'm not going to say good riddance to 2009 -- it hasn't ended on a particularly happy note this year but I can't say it was all bad. When I think of where I was a year ago, I know I'm in a much better place. I didn't expect to be battling heartbreak again, but you just never know. I am very happy for the good times I had this year with Ben. It's hard to say goodbye, but I'm letting it go. I deserve better than I've been treated recently. And for a change, I know it.
The gift giving has been good for me ... not sure what today's gift will be. My motto for today is "Today I give with hope." So, I'm looking for opportunities.
Day 17, which was Tuesday, was my sister's birthday. I had left a present in Detroit for her. She's a fantastic sister who works really hard and is carrying more of the responsibility at home of helping my dad. She's got a beautiful new house and great step-daughter. And I think there will be some wonderful things happening for her this year.
Day 18: Wednesday. I got an email from Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Kentuckiana encouraging people to give 20.10 before the new year. I've been a big sister before when I lived in Port Huron. And I've thought about doing it again here, but I'm just afraid I wouldn't have the time to devote. Plus, I do try to spend time regularly with my little friends -- kids of co-workers. So, I think that's informally the same thing. So, for Wednesday's gift, I sent in my $20.10. It's a good cause and I do like to support them even if I can't make the time commitment.
As I'm heading into 2010 I have been making a goal list. These are not really resolutions, just a list of things I'd like to try this year. A bucket list of sorts. There were some things I didn't get to last year -- like I still haven't visited Shakertown. And I've got two marathons on the list for this year -- San Diego and Chicago. (anyone who wants to join in or just travel to cheer me on is welcome.) I'm going to raise $3,000 for leukemia research. I'm going to actually start writing these books and stop just talking about it. I'm going to be ready for adventure. I'm going to pay off my debt. And I'm going to see as many friends as possible.
And inspired by Kat, I'm going to write a letter to someone every week and try to reconnect with people and the art form of letter writing. And I want to be better at writing thank you notes.
I want to thank you all for being there for me this year. I'm going to continue to need your support and friendship. And maybe there will be some new friends this year too. I'm open to suggestions this year -- looking for adventure, dates, laughs, etc.
Happy New Year!
Love you all ...
Jess
The gift giving has been good for me ... not sure what today's gift will be. My motto for today is "Today I give with hope." So, I'm looking for opportunities.
Day 17, which was Tuesday, was my sister's birthday. I had left a present in Detroit for her. She's a fantastic sister who works really hard and is carrying more of the responsibility at home of helping my dad. She's got a beautiful new house and great step-daughter. And I think there will be some wonderful things happening for her this year.
Day 18: Wednesday. I got an email from Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Kentuckiana encouraging people to give 20.10 before the new year. I've been a big sister before when I lived in Port Huron. And I've thought about doing it again here, but I'm just afraid I wouldn't have the time to devote. Plus, I do try to spend time regularly with my little friends -- kids of co-workers. So, I think that's informally the same thing. So, for Wednesday's gift, I sent in my $20.10. It's a good cause and I do like to support them even if I can't make the time commitment.
As I'm heading into 2010 I have been making a goal list. These are not really resolutions, just a list of things I'd like to try this year. A bucket list of sorts. There were some things I didn't get to last year -- like I still haven't visited Shakertown. And I've got two marathons on the list for this year -- San Diego and Chicago. (anyone who wants to join in or just travel to cheer me on is welcome.) I'm going to raise $3,000 for leukemia research. I'm going to actually start writing these books and stop just talking about it. I'm going to be ready for adventure. I'm going to pay off my debt. And I'm going to see as many friends as possible.
And inspired by Kat, I'm going to write a letter to someone every week and try to reconnect with people and the art form of letter writing. And I want to be better at writing thank you notes.
I want to thank you all for being there for me this year. I'm going to continue to need your support and friendship. And maybe there will be some new friends this year too. I'm open to suggestions this year -- looking for adventure, dates, laughs, etc.
Happy New Year!
Love you all ...
Jess
Monday, December 28, 2009
Catching up ... post holiday
Four days just sped by like a whirlwind. So, I'm just getting to the catching up part as I attempted to stay off computers during the Christmas visit home. Here we go:
Day 12: Christmas Eve
When I was a kid, my sister and I used to follow this routine of begging my mom to start a new tradition where we were able to open one gift on Christmas Eve. How did that work out? Not so much. But this year, with my sister married and lots of family gatherings to deal with, we decided to open several of the presents between my sister, me and my mom -- and the brother-in-law Michael too. We had a great dinner together and then settled around my mom's beautiful tree. It was a lot of fun, though a little odd to be opening gifts before Santa arrives. : ) But we're on to new traditions in my family. I gave some nice gifts to Kate and Michael and received some lovely ones myself -- including a Wii from all of them and my mom.
Day 13: Christmas
This is the BIG day of giving. And my family takes it to heart. We love to give presents and probably give way too many. I've always loved Christmas because it is an excuse for me to give presents without people looking at me strange. I just love to give people things and without an excuse like the holiday, sometimes it seems a little odd to folks.
I love seeing people's faces as they realize what they've gotten that they either didn't expect or it was exactly what they wanted. I'm not going to lie, I love opening presents too. I know that's not necessarily in the spirit of the 29 gifts concept, but who doesn't like to get a pretty package? I gave my dad a journal, because several people have been urging him to document how this experience with cancer goes. I believe in journaling -- kind of doing that now -- so I gave him one to get him started hopefully.
Day 14:
Today I gave my sister Alex -- a full-fledged teenager in angst -- a shopping trip to the after Christmas sales. I gave her things to open on Christmas but figured she would want to pick out her own clothes. She's obsessed with skinny jeans, so I fulfilled her need by finding her some cool, skinny cords at the Gap. For me, the real gift was being able to spend time together. But she's 16 so who knows if she sees that as a gift or not. I'm hopeful that some day she will appreciate it for that.
Day 15:
Traveling home was not high on my list of fun things to do. It just so happens that I would be flying out of the same Detroit airport where a thwarted terrorist attempt occurred on Christmas. But I summoned up my patience and braved the lines to check my bag -- something I normally try not to do but figured it would be easier and more hassle-free to deal with. I made it through with pretty minimal hassle and without losing my temper, so that was a gift in and of itself. My aunt picked me up at the airport and for my gift of the day, I took her to dinner.
Day 16: finally up to date ...
First day back at work ... seems like I never left. There aren't many people here today so it's been pretty quiet. Got drafted to cover a funeral tomorrow for two little boys killed in a fire on Christmas. Everyone else was whining about how they didn't want to have to cover such a sad event ... seriously? What do they think I do all the time? Nearly everything I write about it sad and I don't love doing it, but I hope I bring some compassion to the table when I do it.
Today's gift I'm planning to give to my friend Sarah. It was her birthday yesterday so I have a little gift for her. And we're going to a movie after eating some home made gumbo so that will be fun too.
I'm hoping to get to sleep at a normal hour, my system has been out of whack for weeks. I want to head to the gym in the morning because I think that could really help with the mood.
I always have a little let down after the holiday. And it was hard to come home to an empty house after so much family activity. But I keep repeating to myself that 2010 is going to be my year and I think there will be a lot of wonderful things in store for me this next year. And like Death Cab says this loneliness and heartbreak will seem like "a series of blurs, like never occurred."
Day 12: Christmas Eve
When I was a kid, my sister and I used to follow this routine of begging my mom to start a new tradition where we were able to open one gift on Christmas Eve. How did that work out? Not so much. But this year, with my sister married and lots of family gatherings to deal with, we decided to open several of the presents between my sister, me and my mom -- and the brother-in-law Michael too. We had a great dinner together and then settled around my mom's beautiful tree. It was a lot of fun, though a little odd to be opening gifts before Santa arrives. : ) But we're on to new traditions in my family. I gave some nice gifts to Kate and Michael and received some lovely ones myself -- including a Wii from all of them and my mom.
Day 13: Christmas
This is the BIG day of giving. And my family takes it to heart. We love to give presents and probably give way too many. I've always loved Christmas because it is an excuse for me to give presents without people looking at me strange. I just love to give people things and without an excuse like the holiday, sometimes it seems a little odd to folks.
I love seeing people's faces as they realize what they've gotten that they either didn't expect or it was exactly what they wanted. I'm not going to lie, I love opening presents too. I know that's not necessarily in the spirit of the 29 gifts concept, but who doesn't like to get a pretty package? I gave my dad a journal, because several people have been urging him to document how this experience with cancer goes. I believe in journaling -- kind of doing that now -- so I gave him one to get him started hopefully.
Day 14:
Today I gave my sister Alex -- a full-fledged teenager in angst -- a shopping trip to the after Christmas sales. I gave her things to open on Christmas but figured she would want to pick out her own clothes. She's obsessed with skinny jeans, so I fulfilled her need by finding her some cool, skinny cords at the Gap. For me, the real gift was being able to spend time together. But she's 16 so who knows if she sees that as a gift or not. I'm hopeful that some day she will appreciate it for that.
Day 15:
Traveling home was not high on my list of fun things to do. It just so happens that I would be flying out of the same Detroit airport where a thwarted terrorist attempt occurred on Christmas. But I summoned up my patience and braved the lines to check my bag -- something I normally try not to do but figured it would be easier and more hassle-free to deal with. I made it through with pretty minimal hassle and without losing my temper, so that was a gift in and of itself. My aunt picked me up at the airport and for my gift of the day, I took her to dinner.
Day 16: finally up to date ...
First day back at work ... seems like I never left. There aren't many people here today so it's been pretty quiet. Got drafted to cover a funeral tomorrow for two little boys killed in a fire on Christmas. Everyone else was whining about how they didn't want to have to cover such a sad event ... seriously? What do they think I do all the time? Nearly everything I write about it sad and I don't love doing it, but I hope I bring some compassion to the table when I do it.
Today's gift I'm planning to give to my friend Sarah. It was her birthday yesterday so I have a little gift for her. And we're going to a movie after eating some home made gumbo so that will be fun too.
I'm hoping to get to sleep at a normal hour, my system has been out of whack for weeks. I want to head to the gym in the morning because I think that could really help with the mood.
I always have a little let down after the holiday. And it was hard to come home to an empty house after so much family activity. But I keep repeating to myself that 2010 is going to be my year and I think there will be a lot of wonderful things in store for me this next year. And like Death Cab says this loneliness and heartbreak will seem like "a series of blurs, like never occurred."
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Day 11 -- Heading home
So, tonight I head home for the next few days to spend time with the family for Christmas.
Got a big gift this morning with news that my dad is considered in remission now. Of course, we're not out of the woods and he'll have some more chemo. But this is really, really good news and means he's responding to the treatments. Not sure all the details, but that's a pretty good gift this holiday.
Yesterday I realized how powerful the universe is. I've been anticipating, maybe dreading is the word, that some day when I got home there would be some of my stuff that I left at Ben's waiting for me on my doorstep. And yesterday was that day. I was a little shocked and really disappointed when I realized that he didn't even leave the slightest note -- I wasn't expecting one but I can tell you I feel like I deserve a little better than this cold treatment I've gotten from him given the extent of our relationship. Anyway ... I"m not going to dwell on it. But I'm writing about it to point out that as I was getting this sad blow to my heart, I also received a gift from the universe. It wasn't just my stuff left for me ... I had three gifts sitting on my stoop as well, dropped off from friends I didn't expect. It was perfect timing. Ben couldn't have brought the stuff on a better day for me ...
Anyway ... today's gift giving goes to my little friends. I love kids. And I have been thinking about kids and how I don't have any a lot lately. Sometimes it makes me sad. But then I have to remind myself that I have lots of children in my life. I'm lucky that I have three little friends in town -- children of co-workers -- that let me hang out with them. So, today I delivered presents to Lucy and Israel's parents so they will have a little gift from me. Elise will get hers when we hang out next weekend.
I also haven't always been so good about setting an intention for my giving for each day, which is something the 29 Gifts folks suggest you do. But feeling kind of glum this morning, I decided that today's intention is "Today I give with hope." I think I need to stay connected to my hope these days.
I'm not sure if I'll be able to blog while I'm home ... but I'll be saving up my stories for next week if I can't get on the computer. Rest assured ... I'm going to keep giving.
Also -- Kat "thiefer face" Gallagher and I were talking last night and she's liking this idea of the 29 Gifts. But she wants to do something a little different. So, she's planning a new thing that I kind of like too. She's calling it 52 weeks of letters -- an exercise in sending good, old-fashioned snail mail to people. She wants to do a different person each week. I think this is a good idea too so I'm contemplating adding it to my list of goals for 2010. I'm going try to come up with a list of people that I'd like to write to and see where it goes. I'm not sure I want to do 52 different people, but that might be an interesting part of the challenge. Anyone else interested in seeing if we could do this?
Got a big gift this morning with news that my dad is considered in remission now. Of course, we're not out of the woods and he'll have some more chemo. But this is really, really good news and means he's responding to the treatments. Not sure all the details, but that's a pretty good gift this holiday.
Yesterday I realized how powerful the universe is. I've been anticipating, maybe dreading is the word, that some day when I got home there would be some of my stuff that I left at Ben's waiting for me on my doorstep. And yesterday was that day. I was a little shocked and really disappointed when I realized that he didn't even leave the slightest note -- I wasn't expecting one but I can tell you I feel like I deserve a little better than this cold treatment I've gotten from him given the extent of our relationship. Anyway ... I"m not going to dwell on it. But I'm writing about it to point out that as I was getting this sad blow to my heart, I also received a gift from the universe. It wasn't just my stuff left for me ... I had three gifts sitting on my stoop as well, dropped off from friends I didn't expect. It was perfect timing. Ben couldn't have brought the stuff on a better day for me ...
Anyway ... today's gift giving goes to my little friends. I love kids. And I have been thinking about kids and how I don't have any a lot lately. Sometimes it makes me sad. But then I have to remind myself that I have lots of children in my life. I'm lucky that I have three little friends in town -- children of co-workers -- that let me hang out with them. So, today I delivered presents to Lucy and Israel's parents so they will have a little gift from me. Elise will get hers when we hang out next weekend.
I also haven't always been so good about setting an intention for my giving for each day, which is something the 29 Gifts folks suggest you do. But feeling kind of glum this morning, I decided that today's intention is "Today I give with hope." I think I need to stay connected to my hope these days.
I'm not sure if I'll be able to blog while I'm home ... but I'll be saving up my stories for next week if I can't get on the computer. Rest assured ... I'm going to keep giving.
Also -- Kat "thiefer face" Gallagher and I were talking last night and she's liking this idea of the 29 Gifts. But she wants to do something a little different. So, she's planning a new thing that I kind of like too. She's calling it 52 weeks of letters -- an exercise in sending good, old-fashioned snail mail to people. She wants to do a different person each week. I think this is a good idea too so I'm contemplating adding it to my list of goals for 2010. I'm going try to come up with a list of people that I'd like to write to and see where it goes. I'm not sure I want to do 52 different people, but that might be an interesting part of the challenge. Anyone else interested in seeing if we could do this?
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Day 10 -- gifts everywhere
Just wanted to say a short thing about yesterday's giving challenge. I was feeling like a cheater-face because of Christmas and having a stash of gifts to deliver over the next few days. But then I realized that even when you have expected gifts, there are opportunities to give some unexpected things.
I was having lunch with my fire department friend and source. I had a plate of cookies for him. (I also took some to my police friends too so I wasn't playing favorites.) But as we were talking, he told me that he was going to go shopping for a couple of kids that he'd learned about who were too old to qualify for the Angel Tree program. Their mom had called seeking some help. He'd done a little research and was heading out to do some shopping. I gave gifts and clothes for two Angels this year, but it was a good reminder that there are lots of people in need. So, inspired, I gave him $20 to use toward his shopping. That was a thought I might not have had if I hadn't been thinking in the 29 Gifts mindset lately.
So, on to today -- I have a gift waiting in the car to give at our girls night gift exchange. I'm super excited to give my gift to Heidi. Hers was the first gift I bought this season -- way back in September while in Chicago at a craft fair. (actually the coolest craft fair I've ever been too.) It just screamed her name. I couldn't resist.
But I had another one of those unexpected moments today. Co-workers and I went to lunch and one of them forgot to pay for a cup of soup as we divvied up the bill, so I just put it on my check. No fuss. No telling him about it. Just an extra gift for today's challenge. : )
Can't wait to finish up work tomorrow afternoon. I've been super busy here -- two stories and a blog today and I'm so stressed that the entire left side of my neck has decided to revolt and tighten up into a giant painful knot. I've tried yoga poses, stretches, tennis ball on the trigger point and drugs to no avail. I'm hoping it goes away soon.
I was having lunch with my fire department friend and source. I had a plate of cookies for him. (I also took some to my police friends too so I wasn't playing favorites.) But as we were talking, he told me that he was going to go shopping for a couple of kids that he'd learned about who were too old to qualify for the Angel Tree program. Their mom had called seeking some help. He'd done a little research and was heading out to do some shopping. I gave gifts and clothes for two Angels this year, but it was a good reminder that there are lots of people in need. So, inspired, I gave him $20 to use toward his shopping. That was a thought I might not have had if I hadn't been thinking in the 29 Gifts mindset lately.
So, on to today -- I have a gift waiting in the car to give at our girls night gift exchange. I'm super excited to give my gift to Heidi. Hers was the first gift I bought this season -- way back in September while in Chicago at a craft fair. (actually the coolest craft fair I've ever been too.) It just screamed her name. I couldn't resist.
But I had another one of those unexpected moments today. Co-workers and I went to lunch and one of them forgot to pay for a cup of soup as we divvied up the bill, so I just put it on my check. No fuss. No telling him about it. Just an extra gift for today's challenge. : )
Can't wait to finish up work tomorrow afternoon. I've been super busy here -- two stories and a blog today and I'm so stressed that the entire left side of my neck has decided to revolt and tighten up into a giant painful knot. I've tried yoga poses, stretches, tennis ball on the trigger point and drugs to no avail. I'm hoping it goes away soon.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Giving, giving, giving
So, with the holiday rush in full swing I haven't had a lot of spare time for blogging. So, while it's quiet this morning I'm going take a few minutes to hammer out the updates from the past few days of giving.
Friday was Day 6 of the 29gifts challenge. I had a couple ideas but a wonderful opportunity came for me as I covered an assignment. I'd gone out to the site of a horrible crash that happened on Dec. 18, 2008 where four teens were killed when a teen they were getting a ride home from ran from police because the car he was in was stolen, lost control and slammed into a tree. All four of the boys -- twins Demar and Jemar and their brother Marc, and their friend Aaron -- were all killed. The driver now is awaiting trial on four counts of murder.
Over this past year, I've thought about these boys often. They were true victims. I covered their funerals. I've spoken with their parents many times. But Aaron's mother, Robin, always leaves a mark on my heart when I speak to her. At the memorial on Friday, she bent over and hugged the tree where the crash occurred and now a wreath with her son's picture on it sits. Aaron's twin, Andrew, went to school to honor their memories.
After the memorial, Robin was in no shape to talk to anyone. But I had to give her a hug. She grabbed me so hard and sobbed into my shoulder. All I could do was tell her that she was in my thoughts and prayers.
Some may say that as a reporter that's not my place or my job to give any comfort. But first of all, I'm a human being and these stories touch people. And they can't help but touch me as well. I've never believed it was unprofessional to share a hug if that's what feels right. So, Friday, my gift was a hug.
Saturday -- Day 7. I was going to meet up with my running partners to get in a little exercise and companionship. But a cold rain kept us from our run and forced us into a cozy coffee shop. Denise and Maggie have been with me through a lot in the past few months. They were the ones who scooped me up off the asphalt when I went splat. And they've been there to pick me up off the emotional asphalt as my personal life has been going splat quite a bit lately.
I made each of the girls -- and Michelle too -- scrap books with some of our running photos in it. Just reminding them what we've been through and giving us some inspiration for the future. In fact, both of them are thinking about joining me in my leukemia fundraising to make the trip to San Diego. You can't order up friends better than that.
Sunday -- Day 8. Christmas has made it a little easier to give gifts. And I've wondered if I'm cheating by doing this during the holidays. But I've decided I'm not. In fact, I've given more gifts than I've written about but have tried to pick the ones I've been giving with no sense that there would be something in return. I'm trying not to write just about those gifts given where I know I'm getting something back. And I'm trying to focus on the meaning behind the gifts ...
On Sunday, I was able to give gifts to the Lusters and my friend Sara. The Lusters are like family to me now and I was able to give them their presents as Linda and I spent the day baking cookies -- something I wasn't feeling strong enough emotionally to do by myself this year. It was a good day.
Today -- Day 9. I have said cookies in the car ready to take to a few people. Meeting up with a friend from the fire department for lunch to hand off my gift to him for all he does to help me all year.
The mad rush toward Christmas continues ...
Friday was Day 6 of the 29gifts challenge. I had a couple ideas but a wonderful opportunity came for me as I covered an assignment. I'd gone out to the site of a horrible crash that happened on Dec. 18, 2008 where four teens were killed when a teen they were getting a ride home from ran from police because the car he was in was stolen, lost control and slammed into a tree. All four of the boys -- twins Demar and Jemar and their brother Marc, and their friend Aaron -- were all killed. The driver now is awaiting trial on four counts of murder.
Over this past year, I've thought about these boys often. They were true victims. I covered their funerals. I've spoken with their parents many times. But Aaron's mother, Robin, always leaves a mark on my heart when I speak to her. At the memorial on Friday, she bent over and hugged the tree where the crash occurred and now a wreath with her son's picture on it sits. Aaron's twin, Andrew, went to school to honor their memories.
After the memorial, Robin was in no shape to talk to anyone. But I had to give her a hug. She grabbed me so hard and sobbed into my shoulder. All I could do was tell her that she was in my thoughts and prayers.
Some may say that as a reporter that's not my place or my job to give any comfort. But first of all, I'm a human being and these stories touch people. And they can't help but touch me as well. I've never believed it was unprofessional to share a hug if that's what feels right. So, Friday, my gift was a hug.
Saturday -- Day 7. I was going to meet up with my running partners to get in a little exercise and companionship. But a cold rain kept us from our run and forced us into a cozy coffee shop. Denise and Maggie have been with me through a lot in the past few months. They were the ones who scooped me up off the asphalt when I went splat. And they've been there to pick me up off the emotional asphalt as my personal life has been going splat quite a bit lately.
I made each of the girls -- and Michelle too -- scrap books with some of our running photos in it. Just reminding them what we've been through and giving us some inspiration for the future. In fact, both of them are thinking about joining me in my leukemia fundraising to make the trip to San Diego. You can't order up friends better than that.
Sunday -- Day 8. Christmas has made it a little easier to give gifts. And I've wondered if I'm cheating by doing this during the holidays. But I've decided I'm not. In fact, I've given more gifts than I've written about but have tried to pick the ones I've been giving with no sense that there would be something in return. I'm trying not to write just about those gifts given where I know I'm getting something back. And I'm trying to focus on the meaning behind the gifts ...
On Sunday, I was able to give gifts to the Lusters and my friend Sara. The Lusters are like family to me now and I was able to give them their presents as Linda and I spent the day baking cookies -- something I wasn't feeling strong enough emotionally to do by myself this year. It was a good day.
Today -- Day 9. I have said cookies in the car ready to take to a few people. Meeting up with a friend from the fire department for lunch to hand off my gift to him for all he does to help me all year.
The mad rush toward Christmas continues ...
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