So, the bf decided that it was time we broke up. That has made for a pretty long week and lots of tears. Thanksgiving -- despite the efforts of good friends who invited me to two events -- was pretty miserable as I kept thinking about the dinner I had planned to cook with his family. And being away from my family with my dad in the hospital -- possibly with pneumonia added to all his troubles -- didn't help things either.
It's a hard thing when you realize you love someone more than you actually realized. And when with that realization also comes the recognition that you didn't always treat that person the way you wanted to, that's especially hard. Let's be clear here ...I'm not blaming myself or beating myself up about it, most of the time anyway. I know I'm a pretty amazing woman who has a big heart and a lot to offer. I also know the same thing about the bf. I know this is not about me. This is about fear ... This is about not knowing how to put our life baggage aside and just enjoy each other and work through the struggles.
I have life baggage and I bet I'm not the only one. The funny thing about these times of heartbreak is that you learn a lot about yourself -- and a lot of it I think would have been helpful in not getting me to this point if I'd taken the time to think about this before. I know that I'm not always the easiest person to love. I know that I can be bossy and controlling and I am never short of opinions. I make snap decisions -- that's a necessary skill in my business, but not always a benefit in life. But I also know that I'm supportive and encouraging to my mate. I try to think about their needs, even when sometimes my needs are great.
I know things weren't perfect. I know there were things to work out. But I also know that this person brought many riches to my life. He made me feel, for the first time, like many things are possible for me -- book writing, a relationship in which the man sometimes does things for you without you asking for them, thoughtful presents and moments of calm, and not asking me to be something I'm not. Those things weren't present in most of my previous relationships and despite the rocky periods, they were present here.
And what I know for myself is that I want someone who can let me into his life. Someone who has confidence in himself enough to know that when I'm snappy or having a bad day, it is not personal to him. Someone who sees the same potential in himself that I see and who appreciates the encouragement I give him to succeed.
It's a sad thing to love someone and know that person still loves you, but that you aren't going to be together. It's a hole in my heart right now as I feel like the person I leaned on the most and spent the most time with over the past 8 months has been ripped from my life at a time when I'm trying to pull my friends close so that I can get through some of life's most difficult challenges.
But it's a powerful feeling to know that if I let myself cry and I give myself permission to change and grow from this, that I can be an even better partner in my next relationship. I'm disappointed ... madly, profoundly disappointed and sad. But I still want to believe in love.
And I believe strongly that everything happens for a reason. And if this man was the person for me than life will find away to bring us back together and make us stronger. But if not, and I have to assume not in order to move on, than I will be stronger still.
I spent a lot of time on Thanksgiving feeling sorry for myself and struggling to find reasons to be thankful. But as I sit here early this morning I know that I am grateful and lucky to have amazing friends and family. My family is going through a rough patch, but as I told my dad yesterday, we will get through it together.
Somehow when you are sitting at the pits of your emotions -- afraid to be at home alone, crying hysterically -- life has a way of throwing you an anchor. I could barely get up and get myself to work this morning ... but when I got here a co-worker (one I don't see much and never go out with socially) left me a tin of brownies and a wonderful note of understanding my pain. That is a reminder -- a much needed one -- that I'm lucky and loved and if the bf doesn't want that in his life, I'm probably better off. But it still stings.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Where have you been all my life?
So, I started training for a marathon at the end of June ... and then I disappeared.
I guess that means I owe everyone an apology for vanishing from the blogging world. It's been a wild ride since I decided I wanted to become a runner, of sorts.
Here's a short recap of the past few months.
Love the run/walk interval. It's amazing how you get the cardio boost but your recovery is amazingly fast. I've never felt so good after a marathon as I have after doing the interval training -- remember, I'd walked 7 marathons as part of my breast cancer awareness fundraising.
But the training wasn't without its difficulties. Getting up early is no picnic. I took some grief for the early hours from the bf. And fell asleep on the couch more than once as a result. I ate the asphalt one morning, as a pesky bolt in the road reached up and grabbed me and sent me doing the perfect slide into home plate (only there was no home plate.) Fortunately, the injuries were pretty minor and I could wave off the ambulance that came for me.
And the training (mostly the downhills) took a toll on my knee -- sending me to a chiropractor who takes a lot of joy in inflicting a pain on my muscles that I hope none of you have to experience. I call it getting scraped and taped. Not fun ... if you really want to know what I'm talking about look up Graston technique.
But when the morning of the marathon came in San Francisco, I was ready to make the best of it. I had a blast. The first half was a little rough as I had to force myself to walk the downhills -- and almost an entire mile was downhill. I watched the six hour pace setter pass me up ... really discouraging me mentally. But I kept on going and eventually caught up to her again. And somehow, despite a few pains between miles 10 and 14, I got pain free for most of the second half. And then it was just a matter of finishing. The iPod went caput at mile 19 -- so I was glad that I had run all those times without music but I really wished Maggie and Denise were there to talk to.
There is no feeling like seeing the ocean to the side of you and then heading for the finish line. Tons of people cheering and then hearing your friends yell out your name ... Kat on one side, Cayce and Jonathan on the other. It was fantastic. And then a firefighter in a tux (a hot one) gave me that beautiful blue Tiffany's box with my precious necklace inside it. Ahhh! Success!!!
And honestly, despite being tired, hungry and a little stiff --- I was already thinking about the next one. I'm thinking Chicago -- 10/10/10 --- Anyone want to join me?
Other than that, work has been a whirlwind too. I've had a lot of great stories -- managing to keep myself on the front page with regularity. I'm trying to keep it that way, but also manage the constant, never lessening demands.
And I'm trying to be grateful for everything I have. That became even more important last week when I learned that my dad has been diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. He's on Day 7 of his chemo treatments and says he's feeling ok so far ... He'll get a week of rest and then we'll figure out what's next. It's been very sudden and a lot to absorb. It's hard to be so far away from everyone in Detroit, but I'm headed home this week to see him for a couple days. We can all use a few good wishes, karmic vibes or prayers -- which ever you prefer -- just keep them coming. I'm not sure I can blog much about it because it's hard to get down in words, even for me, but I wanted to let folks know. Thanks already for your support with this.
That's a lot for a first blog in months but a lot has happened and I tried to keep it to the basics.
Love y'all and I'll try to keep the posts more frequent.
Jess
I guess that means I owe everyone an apology for vanishing from the blogging world. It's been a wild ride since I decided I wanted to become a runner, of sorts.
Here's a short recap of the past few months.
Love the run/walk interval. It's amazing how you get the cardio boost but your recovery is amazingly fast. I've never felt so good after a marathon as I have after doing the interval training -- remember, I'd walked 7 marathons as part of my breast cancer awareness fundraising.
But the training wasn't without its difficulties. Getting up early is no picnic. I took some grief for the early hours from the bf. And fell asleep on the couch more than once as a result. I ate the asphalt one morning, as a pesky bolt in the road reached up and grabbed me and sent me doing the perfect slide into home plate (only there was no home plate.) Fortunately, the injuries were pretty minor and I could wave off the ambulance that came for me.
And the training (mostly the downhills) took a toll on my knee -- sending me to a chiropractor who takes a lot of joy in inflicting a pain on my muscles that I hope none of you have to experience. I call it getting scraped and taped. Not fun ... if you really want to know what I'm talking about look up Graston technique.
But when the morning of the marathon came in San Francisco, I was ready to make the best of it. I had a blast. The first half was a little rough as I had to force myself to walk the downhills -- and almost an entire mile was downhill. I watched the six hour pace setter pass me up ... really discouraging me mentally. But I kept on going and eventually caught up to her again. And somehow, despite a few pains between miles 10 and 14, I got pain free for most of the second half. And then it was just a matter of finishing. The iPod went caput at mile 19 -- so I was glad that I had run all those times without music but I really wished Maggie and Denise were there to talk to.
There is no feeling like seeing the ocean to the side of you and then heading for the finish line. Tons of people cheering and then hearing your friends yell out your name ... Kat on one side, Cayce and Jonathan on the other. It was fantastic. And then a firefighter in a tux (a hot one) gave me that beautiful blue Tiffany's box with my precious necklace inside it. Ahhh! Success!!!
And honestly, despite being tired, hungry and a little stiff --- I was already thinking about the next one. I'm thinking Chicago -- 10/10/10 --- Anyone want to join me?
Other than that, work has been a whirlwind too. I've had a lot of great stories -- managing to keep myself on the front page with regularity. I'm trying to keep it that way, but also manage the constant, never lessening demands.
And I'm trying to be grateful for everything I have. That became even more important last week when I learned that my dad has been diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. He's on Day 7 of his chemo treatments and says he's feeling ok so far ... He'll get a week of rest and then we'll figure out what's next. It's been very sudden and a lot to absorb. It's hard to be so far away from everyone in Detroit, but I'm headed home this week to see him for a couple days. We can all use a few good wishes, karmic vibes or prayers -- which ever you prefer -- just keep them coming. I'm not sure I can blog much about it because it's hard to get down in words, even for me, but I wanted to let folks know. Thanks already for your support with this.
That's a lot for a first blog in months but a lot has happened and I tried to keep it to the basics.
Love y'all and I'll try to keep the posts more frequent.
Jess
Monday, July 27, 2009
Wanted for neglect
A friend gently reminded me last week that I have been neglecting my blog ... It's true I hate to admit. But someone the extra writing has gotten away from me in the past few weeks as I've been super busy at work -- I wrote four stories here on Friday and just didn't get enough so came in on Saturday for an assignment too. Geesh.
Anyway, I hope to renew my regularly approach to blogging again.
Part of my recent lack of time can be attributed to my marathon training. I think most of you know that I'm planning on doing the Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco on Oct. 18. The airplane tickets are bought. The hotel room is already paid for. So, all I have to do now is stay healthy.
You guys know that I've done about 7 other marathons -- in fact six of those have been followed by a half marathon during my breast cancer walks for Avon. I also once did the Shamrock Marathon in Virginia Beach ... finishing in 7 hours. Of course, all those were walking.
For some reason, I thought age 36 would be a good time to start testing the running waters. And I've found a method that really works for me. I'm following the Jeff Galloway theory of run/walking. I do a running interval followed by a walking interval and I love that approach. And it allows for us to work in an extra walk if we need one. Right now we're up to 2 minute intervals but looks like we might try doing our longer runs at a 1 minute interval. (though I'm not sold on that completely)
Anyway, it's a lot of work to be a marthoner. I got up to do three miles this morning ... tomorrow calls for 6. Of course, life doesn't stop for this either so I have to come in to work after I finish that 6 miles. On Saturday, I'm scheduled to do 12 miles and then I'll spend the day trying to keep up with my family. I might try to work in a trip to a Harry Potter movie with my neice and teenage sister just so I can have some built in sitting time. : )
But even though it is a lot of work and I'm not sleeping nearly enough to maintain my sanity and keep up the runs, I love it. I feel a sense of accomplishment everytime I get out there. Four days a week I'm running with my partners Denise and Maggie (who are doing the Louisville marathon) and then I try to get in two days of cross training on the other days. One day of rest -- though last week I went ahead and took two.
And what I realize is that most of this game is mental. I gotta keep my mind on the task at hand instead of thinking about the next big run. Today, I'm freaking out about having to do 6 miles tomorrow morning. It's not that I can't do six, I've done that before, but before work. Really? And then 12 on Saturday? Yikes!!!
I'm also trying to keep the girls I'm going to San Fran with on track as well. We've basically all split up for training here because we all move at different paces. But I'm trying to keep tabs on them ... especially my Polipino friend Kat. She had a rough week last week when it comes to exercise ... and I might have to bring out the big guns this week to whip her back into shape.
So, send out some shouts of encouragement if you have a second. And if you see a Polipino trying to quit along the way ... pull her up and force her back on the path.
Anyway, I hope to renew my regularly approach to blogging again.
Part of my recent lack of time can be attributed to my marathon training. I think most of you know that I'm planning on doing the Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco on Oct. 18. The airplane tickets are bought. The hotel room is already paid for. So, all I have to do now is stay healthy.
You guys know that I've done about 7 other marathons -- in fact six of those have been followed by a half marathon during my breast cancer walks for Avon. I also once did the Shamrock Marathon in Virginia Beach ... finishing in 7 hours. Of course, all those were walking.
For some reason, I thought age 36 would be a good time to start testing the running waters. And I've found a method that really works for me. I'm following the Jeff Galloway theory of run/walking. I do a running interval followed by a walking interval and I love that approach. And it allows for us to work in an extra walk if we need one. Right now we're up to 2 minute intervals but looks like we might try doing our longer runs at a 1 minute interval. (though I'm not sold on that completely)
Anyway, it's a lot of work to be a marthoner. I got up to do three miles this morning ... tomorrow calls for 6. Of course, life doesn't stop for this either so I have to come in to work after I finish that 6 miles. On Saturday, I'm scheduled to do 12 miles and then I'll spend the day trying to keep up with my family. I might try to work in a trip to a Harry Potter movie with my neice and teenage sister just so I can have some built in sitting time. : )
But even though it is a lot of work and I'm not sleeping nearly enough to maintain my sanity and keep up the runs, I love it. I feel a sense of accomplishment everytime I get out there. Four days a week I'm running with my partners Denise and Maggie (who are doing the Louisville marathon) and then I try to get in two days of cross training on the other days. One day of rest -- though last week I went ahead and took two.
And what I realize is that most of this game is mental. I gotta keep my mind on the task at hand instead of thinking about the next big run. Today, I'm freaking out about having to do 6 miles tomorrow morning. It's not that I can't do six, I've done that before, but before work. Really? And then 12 on Saturday? Yikes!!!
I'm also trying to keep the girls I'm going to San Fran with on track as well. We've basically all split up for training here because we all move at different paces. But I'm trying to keep tabs on them ... especially my Polipino friend Kat. She had a rough week last week when it comes to exercise ... and I might have to bring out the big guns this week to whip her back into shape.
So, send out some shouts of encouragement if you have a second. And if you see a Polipino trying to quit along the way ... pull her up and force her back on the path.
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