Don't have a lot of time for a blog entry today but I'm trying to get back in the routine of writing so here it goes. The rollercoaster of my life continues to move forward but I feel like I've been coping with it a little better the last couple days.
I'm trying to put the focus back on myself. Yes, I'm terribly sad and disappointed that the bf has bailed out of my life. But this was his choice. Not mine. Doesn't mean I love him less, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I'm not so good in those situations that I can't control. But I'm starting to do some things that I should have been doing for myself all along.
I'm a pretty well-adjusted, self-aware person. But sometimes I don't take the time I need to make sure I'm doing things to care for myself. I'm trying to do that now.
It's frustrating when all of a sudden you are faced with an entire week off and you have absolutely no idea how to spend it. I keep thinking about the trips the bf and I were planning and missing that opportunity. I'm kind of paralyzed by picking a week to take off. I think I'm just going to pick one and hope for the best and I'll worry about what to do with it after Christmas.
But mostly, I'm just trying to do things that make me stronger. I went to a meeting last night and picked up a couple gems from it. That's a good thing. I need to keep asking myself "is it worth it?" when it comes to arguing or putting up a fight about something. I think I've gotten out of that habit. I'm continuing to remind myself how blessed I am with good friends and family who are standing by me and making sure I'm doing things for myself. And instead of trying to figure out all the reasons that things didn't work out, I just have to focus on what I'm learning and have already learned from the experience.
It's a good time for growth. Someday I'm sure it won't feel so exhausting to have been through this ... and I'll know what the gem of this whole experience has been.
NOTE on my dad: He had to have his gall bladder removed this morning, but he came through the surgery ok (based on my sister's report). So, we're hoping he can go home this weekend sometime. It will be nice for him to get home and stay there through Christmas. Fingers crossed.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Rollercoasters and Jessie don't mix
If you know me at all, you know that I'm not a fan of rollercoasters. I will spend all day at an amusement park happily walking around watching the people, eating soft pretzels and watching my family ride. But I'm not getting on one. I tried the Rugrats one at King's Island a couple summers ago and that was too much for me ... yes, the kiddie coaster.
So, right now I'm not too happy that my life feels like a giant rollercoaster. It's been a constant series of ups and downs over the past month. I guess I'm realizing that it's probably just the way life is.
I've spent a lot of my life, dreading the climb to the top of the coaster because I know on the other end comes the fall. I don't deal so well with the fall. It's been a constant in my life. With the ups, come the downs. And I'm always waiting for the downs.
And I'm no doubt in a down right now.
But here's what I'm doing about it -- I'm trying to take it in stride. I'm trying to enjoy the ride as much as possible. And when I have to cry I do. But mostly I'm just trying to ride it out.
Today I got an incredible high. My dad is going home from the hospital for the first time in over a month. And they don't expect he'll have to go back for another dose of chemo until after Christmas. So, without any further complications, he should be home for the holiday. I'm very happy for him about that.
And while I was on the phone with him, I was able to tell him that I'm doing something too -- I'm going to join Team in Training and instead of raising money for breast cancer research this year, I'm going to raise some money for leukemia research. I'll be doing it for the mini-marathon. And all that training will coincide with his chemo treatments. It's really the only thing I can think of to do proactively. I believe very strongly in karma and putting the good vibes out to the universe -- so that's what I'm going to do. And I feel so good about this decision.
People say don't make any major life decisions when life is throwing you curve balls. But I don't sit around well, so I'm starting to take some steps to get myself back in the swing of things. The Christmas decorations came up and I'm transforming my house into the holiday spirit. I'm headed to New Orleans for a week to meet Press and spend time with Maria. I'm exploring some new options that could be really exciting and enriching. I'm setting myself up to write some more for myself.
Maybe I'm just trying to stay too busy ... that may be partly true. But I'm better when I'm busy and not wallowing. I'm stronger than I know-- I just have to prove it to myself again.
I'm trying to love life's rollercoaster -- but still don't expect me to get on the Diamondback or the Beast.
UPDATE:
To add to this rollercoaster, my dad didn't end up going home yesterday. They want to keep an eye on a couple of other things going on for a bit. I'm telling you ... I want off. I don't like the constant changes going on in my life right now. Makes it harder to just go along for the ride.
So, right now I'm not too happy that my life feels like a giant rollercoaster. It's been a constant series of ups and downs over the past month. I guess I'm realizing that it's probably just the way life is.
I've spent a lot of my life, dreading the climb to the top of the coaster because I know on the other end comes the fall. I don't deal so well with the fall. It's been a constant in my life. With the ups, come the downs. And I'm always waiting for the downs.
And I'm no doubt in a down right now.
But here's what I'm doing about it -- I'm trying to take it in stride. I'm trying to enjoy the ride as much as possible. And when I have to cry I do. But mostly I'm just trying to ride it out.
Today I got an incredible high. My dad is going home from the hospital for the first time in over a month. And they don't expect he'll have to go back for another dose of chemo until after Christmas. So, without any further complications, he should be home for the holiday. I'm very happy for him about that.
And while I was on the phone with him, I was able to tell him that I'm doing something too -- I'm going to join Team in Training and instead of raising money for breast cancer research this year, I'm going to raise some money for leukemia research. I'll be doing it for the mini-marathon. And all that training will coincide with his chemo treatments. It's really the only thing I can think of to do proactively. I believe very strongly in karma and putting the good vibes out to the universe -- so that's what I'm going to do. And I feel so good about this decision.
People say don't make any major life decisions when life is throwing you curve balls. But I don't sit around well, so I'm starting to take some steps to get myself back in the swing of things. The Christmas decorations came up and I'm transforming my house into the holiday spirit. I'm headed to New Orleans for a week to meet Press and spend time with Maria. I'm exploring some new options that could be really exciting and enriching. I'm setting myself up to write some more for myself.
Maybe I'm just trying to stay too busy ... that may be partly true. But I'm better when I'm busy and not wallowing. I'm stronger than I know-- I just have to prove it to myself again.
I'm trying to love life's rollercoaster -- but still don't expect me to get on the Diamondback or the Beast.
UPDATE:
To add to this rollercoaster, my dad didn't end up going home yesterday. They want to keep an eye on a couple of other things going on for a bit. I'm telling you ... I want off. I don't like the constant changes going on in my life right now. Makes it harder to just go along for the ride.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Heartbreak Hotel
So, the bf decided that it was time we broke up. That has made for a pretty long week and lots of tears. Thanksgiving -- despite the efforts of good friends who invited me to two events -- was pretty miserable as I kept thinking about the dinner I had planned to cook with his family. And being away from my family with my dad in the hospital -- possibly with pneumonia added to all his troubles -- didn't help things either.
It's a hard thing when you realize you love someone more than you actually realized. And when with that realization also comes the recognition that you didn't always treat that person the way you wanted to, that's especially hard. Let's be clear here ...I'm not blaming myself or beating myself up about it, most of the time anyway. I know I'm a pretty amazing woman who has a big heart and a lot to offer. I also know the same thing about the bf. I know this is not about me. This is about fear ... This is about not knowing how to put our life baggage aside and just enjoy each other and work through the struggles.
I have life baggage and I bet I'm not the only one. The funny thing about these times of heartbreak is that you learn a lot about yourself -- and a lot of it I think would have been helpful in not getting me to this point if I'd taken the time to think about this before. I know that I'm not always the easiest person to love. I know that I can be bossy and controlling and I am never short of opinions. I make snap decisions -- that's a necessary skill in my business, but not always a benefit in life. But I also know that I'm supportive and encouraging to my mate. I try to think about their needs, even when sometimes my needs are great.
I know things weren't perfect. I know there were things to work out. But I also know that this person brought many riches to my life. He made me feel, for the first time, like many things are possible for me -- book writing, a relationship in which the man sometimes does things for you without you asking for them, thoughtful presents and moments of calm, and not asking me to be something I'm not. Those things weren't present in most of my previous relationships and despite the rocky periods, they were present here.
And what I know for myself is that I want someone who can let me into his life. Someone who has confidence in himself enough to know that when I'm snappy or having a bad day, it is not personal to him. Someone who sees the same potential in himself that I see and who appreciates the encouragement I give him to succeed.
It's a sad thing to love someone and know that person still loves you, but that you aren't going to be together. It's a hole in my heart right now as I feel like the person I leaned on the most and spent the most time with over the past 8 months has been ripped from my life at a time when I'm trying to pull my friends close so that I can get through some of life's most difficult challenges.
But it's a powerful feeling to know that if I let myself cry and I give myself permission to change and grow from this, that I can be an even better partner in my next relationship. I'm disappointed ... madly, profoundly disappointed and sad. But I still want to believe in love.
And I believe strongly that everything happens for a reason. And if this man was the person for me than life will find away to bring us back together and make us stronger. But if not, and I have to assume not in order to move on, than I will be stronger still.
I spent a lot of time on Thanksgiving feeling sorry for myself and struggling to find reasons to be thankful. But as I sit here early this morning I know that I am grateful and lucky to have amazing friends and family. My family is going through a rough patch, but as I told my dad yesterday, we will get through it together.
Somehow when you are sitting at the pits of your emotions -- afraid to be at home alone, crying hysterically -- life has a way of throwing you an anchor. I could barely get up and get myself to work this morning ... but when I got here a co-worker (one I don't see much and never go out with socially) left me a tin of brownies and a wonderful note of understanding my pain. That is a reminder -- a much needed one -- that I'm lucky and loved and if the bf doesn't want that in his life, I'm probably better off. But it still stings.
It's a hard thing when you realize you love someone more than you actually realized. And when with that realization also comes the recognition that you didn't always treat that person the way you wanted to, that's especially hard. Let's be clear here ...I'm not blaming myself or beating myself up about it, most of the time anyway. I know I'm a pretty amazing woman who has a big heart and a lot to offer. I also know the same thing about the bf. I know this is not about me. This is about fear ... This is about not knowing how to put our life baggage aside and just enjoy each other and work through the struggles.
I have life baggage and I bet I'm not the only one. The funny thing about these times of heartbreak is that you learn a lot about yourself -- and a lot of it I think would have been helpful in not getting me to this point if I'd taken the time to think about this before. I know that I'm not always the easiest person to love. I know that I can be bossy and controlling and I am never short of opinions. I make snap decisions -- that's a necessary skill in my business, but not always a benefit in life. But I also know that I'm supportive and encouraging to my mate. I try to think about their needs, even when sometimes my needs are great.
I know things weren't perfect. I know there were things to work out. But I also know that this person brought many riches to my life. He made me feel, for the first time, like many things are possible for me -- book writing, a relationship in which the man sometimes does things for you without you asking for them, thoughtful presents and moments of calm, and not asking me to be something I'm not. Those things weren't present in most of my previous relationships and despite the rocky periods, they were present here.
And what I know for myself is that I want someone who can let me into his life. Someone who has confidence in himself enough to know that when I'm snappy or having a bad day, it is not personal to him. Someone who sees the same potential in himself that I see and who appreciates the encouragement I give him to succeed.
It's a sad thing to love someone and know that person still loves you, but that you aren't going to be together. It's a hole in my heart right now as I feel like the person I leaned on the most and spent the most time with over the past 8 months has been ripped from my life at a time when I'm trying to pull my friends close so that I can get through some of life's most difficult challenges.
But it's a powerful feeling to know that if I let myself cry and I give myself permission to change and grow from this, that I can be an even better partner in my next relationship. I'm disappointed ... madly, profoundly disappointed and sad. But I still want to believe in love.
And I believe strongly that everything happens for a reason. And if this man was the person for me than life will find away to bring us back together and make us stronger. But if not, and I have to assume not in order to move on, than I will be stronger still.
I spent a lot of time on Thanksgiving feeling sorry for myself and struggling to find reasons to be thankful. But as I sit here early this morning I know that I am grateful and lucky to have amazing friends and family. My family is going through a rough patch, but as I told my dad yesterday, we will get through it together.
Somehow when you are sitting at the pits of your emotions -- afraid to be at home alone, crying hysterically -- life has a way of throwing you an anchor. I could barely get up and get myself to work this morning ... but when I got here a co-worker (one I don't see much and never go out with socially) left me a tin of brownies and a wonderful note of understanding my pain. That is a reminder -- a much needed one -- that I'm lucky and loved and if the bf doesn't want that in his life, I'm probably better off. But it still stings.
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