Thursday, July 1, 2010

In search of the positive...

"All progress starts with a seed of self-appreciation."

I came across this in one of my daily readings this week and it has really stuck with me. Lately, it's been kind of a challenge for me to find the self-appreciation.

I'm not sure this is an uncommon affliction, but I have long-struggled with finding the positives about myself. It's a lot easier for me to beat up on myself and push myself ever harder to reach whatever the goal of the moment is. To tell myself I'm not worthy of something rather than that I'm an amazing person who brings a lot to the world. (I do know these things, but not always in the front of my brain.)

Take my marathon in San Diego ... I ran it. I finished it in less than six hours. I never gave up even when I was running alone. I tried to soak in the scenery as much as possible. But I was still a bit disappointed. My chip time said I'd run 2.5 minutes slower than I'd done in San Francisco, with an injury. Never mind that my satellite-based Garmin said I did all that with an extra .4 miles with all the dodging among people and searching for flat ground on the interstate I did. Never mind that the sun started beating down on me well before I thought it would -- on this day I did not get the benefit of the early cloud cover that San Diego is known for in June. Never mind that I spent a lot of time thinking about the reason I was running this race -- my father's illness and struggle to be well. It was emotional. Never mind that I raised more than $5,000 to fight leukemia in order to run the race. Even with all those logical reasons for not having a record-setting day and the amazing way I felt after even, I was still disappointed in myself.

It's taken me awhile to shake it. This whole week, I've been trying to reframe my thinking. Trying to find my successes instead of my perceived failures.

I made a list of all the things in my life that I can't control, even though I want desperately to control them. I'm letting them go. I will not make my boss be interested in what I'm working on. Can't make that happen. I will not sell the condo before its time so I can buy a house. Can't force someone to make an offer. I cannot figure out when a guy is interested or not ... just have to roll with that and besides I'd already decided I didn't need to be dating.

It's a struggle. And it's sometimes hard to stay positive when you have to run out two hours before your long weekend starts to cover a stabbing death and then learn about a kid dying at a daycare earlier in the day. How can you be positive in the face of such ugliness?

I guess my answer is I don't have any other choice. I continue to try to put the positive spin on things. I keep repeating things to myself -- "The condo will sell." "At least my story is good, even if they are holding it/not reading it/insert bad work thing here." "I'm so lucky to have friends that make me laugh/listen when I'm whiny/who are looking forward to seeing me."

And the one my father keeps saying, which inspires me in the face of all he's dealing with. "This too shall pass."

Not sure where all this is going but felt I needed to get some of these thoughts out on paper. My resolve for now is to be happy where I am instead of worrying about where I'm going to be. I'm going to revel in the moment as much as possible. That's a good place to start I think.

Happy 4th and thanks for letting me get it out.

And a quick update on my dad: He is home from the hospital and doing much better, though he still has down days. He was in the hospital for 46 days for a bone marrow transplate. He came home for a few days, when I was able to see him and give him my marathon medal, and then he was back in for about 10 days. But now he's home again and hopefully staying there. Still a long road to recovery so keep the prayers coming and thanks for that.

Jess