I'm going to chalk last week up to being one of the worst I've had in a very long time, and that's saying a lot given the kind of weeks I've had recently.
But things might just be turning around a bit ... at least that's the way I'm going to look at it.
I was able to talk to my dad on the phone for the first time in over a week. That in and of itself is a miracle given how sick he was last week -- causing my impromptu travel home. It's a miracle we didn't lose him. So though his voice sounds weak and he's obviously got a long way to go, things are improving. He doesn't even remember me being home but it's a choice I would make again in a heartbeat.
I can't really explain the trauma the whole experience caused me and how completely lost I've felt as a result of it. All I can say is that it is totally life changing.
I really appreciate all the prayers that have been sent my way and for my dad as well. I believe it can work and does. But I've been in such a pit of bad energy over the last couple of days that just simply has to change. It's really hard to bear the weight of all this stuff, but I know I can do it. I feel, even in my weakness, how strong I am. And I have great people in my life to support me along the way.
And it seems like in times like these you really see people for who they are ... it's amazing sometimes how focused we all get on our own lives that we don't stop to think about what other people are going through. We all have stuff ... and I hope that even in the midst of this in my life, I'm still taking time to check on others and see if they are doing ok.
So, my goal for this week is to avoid the passive aggressive behavior that some folks thrive on -- and I'm not always exempt from that -- and not get caught up in the drama of those folks. I want to focus on what I need to get done, be compassionate to others as I'm taking care of myself and to find something to enjoy.
I hope you all have a good week and that I can exhibit some peace and grace in the craziness that is my life at the moment.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Falling behind ...
I just wanted to put something up quickly to give you all the latest update on what's going on with me. I had great intentions of writing a final blog to finish up my 29 gifts -- which I did complete on Jan 10 thanks to a night at the movies with friends and a salad taken to a cards night with other friends. It was a great experience that I may try to repeat sometime in the future.
Then I was going to update you on my efforts to write more letters and get one out each week. I sent the first one in a card to my dad. But I missed the second week because of some downturns with my father.
On Sunday, I rushed home to Detroit after my father went into the hospital Saturday due to some complications from his last round of chemo. I decided I better go home after my sister called to tell me he'd been put on a ventilator early Sunday and was considered critical. I didn't realize then how bad things really were. I think we're lucky we didn't lose him on Saturday actually.
Basically, he went into septic shock. Had dangerously low blood pressure and was having trouble getting oxygen to his system. He has a couple of nasty infections, which isn't good since he has absolutely no immune system thanks to the chemo blasts. I spent the past couple days mostly at the hospital and with family. He's been sedated the whole time. I hope he knows I was there, but I don't really know if he did or not.
He is showing some signs of improvement as his blood pressure is stabilized and he spent a lot of time yesterday breathing with minimal help from the vent. With that, I decided to get on my plane back to Louisville, despite not seeing him wake up. But he was showing some signs of movement and coming off the sedation so I'm hopeful he will be more alert today and that the vent can come out soon.
He's definitely turned a corner but is not out of the woods yet. He's going to be in the hospital for awhile I think but I don't really know what the next steps are. We've just been trying to get him out of the most severe danger.
It's been a pretty awful few days and being back at work doesn't feel great either though it gives me something else to think about. I realize I have a lot of great friends and people in my life who support me. I believe in the power of prayer and positive energy so I appreciate all that is being sent our way. I only ask that you keep it coming.
I hope you'll understand if I'm a little out of it for the moment. It's been very emotional and really makes me think about a lot of things in my life. I'm trying to be positive, but not always succeeding too well. I'm not sure when I'll have to go back to Detroit, but feel like I have to be prepared for anything at any time.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks and give you all an update in the most succinct way possible. Sorry if I'm not returning every call or text message ... but I know you understand.
Then I was going to update you on my efforts to write more letters and get one out each week. I sent the first one in a card to my dad. But I missed the second week because of some downturns with my father.
On Sunday, I rushed home to Detroit after my father went into the hospital Saturday due to some complications from his last round of chemo. I decided I better go home after my sister called to tell me he'd been put on a ventilator early Sunday and was considered critical. I didn't realize then how bad things really were. I think we're lucky we didn't lose him on Saturday actually.
Basically, he went into septic shock. Had dangerously low blood pressure and was having trouble getting oxygen to his system. He has a couple of nasty infections, which isn't good since he has absolutely no immune system thanks to the chemo blasts. I spent the past couple days mostly at the hospital and with family. He's been sedated the whole time. I hope he knows I was there, but I don't really know if he did or not.
He is showing some signs of improvement as his blood pressure is stabilized and he spent a lot of time yesterday breathing with minimal help from the vent. With that, I decided to get on my plane back to Louisville, despite not seeing him wake up. But he was showing some signs of movement and coming off the sedation so I'm hopeful he will be more alert today and that the vent can come out soon.
He's definitely turned a corner but is not out of the woods yet. He's going to be in the hospital for awhile I think but I don't really know what the next steps are. We've just been trying to get him out of the most severe danger.
It's been a pretty awful few days and being back at work doesn't feel great either though it gives me something else to think about. I realize I have a lot of great friends and people in my life who support me. I believe in the power of prayer and positive energy so I appreciate all that is being sent our way. I only ask that you keep it coming.
I hope you'll understand if I'm a little out of it for the moment. It's been very emotional and really makes me think about a lot of things in my life. I'm trying to be positive, but not always succeeding too well. I'm not sure when I'll have to go back to Detroit, but feel like I have to be prepared for anything at any time.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks and give you all an update in the most succinct way possible. Sorry if I'm not returning every call or text message ... but I know you understand.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Cold, bitter morning
Working the morning shift this morning so I'm up way too early. And I feel like either my allergies are going crazy or I'm actually on the brink of a cold. Either way, not fun. But I'm chugging the Emergen-C and drinking hot tea to cope.
Getting close to the end of the giving challenge. Trying to think of a good way to end it ... and really I think I'll continue to do it on some level. I want to be mindful of the gifts I'm giving and try to give them regularly and acknowledge them. I don't think I'll commit to doing it every day, but definitely want to keep the spirit going.
Day 25: Was really hoping to find a good gift and I got one. I asked a friend if she wanted to go to lunch and it turns out she was having a pretty bad morning. So, I scooped her up and whisked her out of the building and bought her lunch, which was just what she needed. I like these gifts where really the gift is the time together. I might have bought the lunch, but it was really the time that mattered the most.
Day 26: Today I put in my first donation to the Leukemia Lymphoma Society -- toward my marathon in San Diego. I was able to turn in $1,000 -- including $50 from myself. It feels really good. I'm hoping to be done with my fundraising early so that I can help Maggie and Denise with theirs and not have to worry about it. But instead, I can just focus on the training, which I'm sure it going to be challenging even if I stay healthy. It's really hard to train outside in the winter because I'm really not trying to run on ice and fall again. One fall is enough for me.
Only three days left of the challenge. I'm on the lookout for today's gift.
I'm just putting one foot in front of the other. I'm trying to work on my patience. I know all kinds of great things are in store for me ... I really honestly believe it. But I've been struggling this week to feel that strongly. Someone told me recently that you can't get the things you want unless you really believe they are possible. But I've been wondering this week if that means you're not supposed to have any doubts. I figure even the best of us have doubts so that must be part of the equation.
But I do honestly know that all the dreams I have will come true. I'm not sure when, but I know they are coming. Just one step at a time.
Getting close to the end of the giving challenge. Trying to think of a good way to end it ... and really I think I'll continue to do it on some level. I want to be mindful of the gifts I'm giving and try to give them regularly and acknowledge them. I don't think I'll commit to doing it every day, but definitely want to keep the spirit going.
Day 25: Was really hoping to find a good gift and I got one. I asked a friend if she wanted to go to lunch and it turns out she was having a pretty bad morning. So, I scooped her up and whisked her out of the building and bought her lunch, which was just what she needed. I like these gifts where really the gift is the time together. I might have bought the lunch, but it was really the time that mattered the most.
Day 26: Today I put in my first donation to the Leukemia Lymphoma Society -- toward my marathon in San Diego. I was able to turn in $1,000 -- including $50 from myself. It feels really good. I'm hoping to be done with my fundraising early so that I can help Maggie and Denise with theirs and not have to worry about it. But instead, I can just focus on the training, which I'm sure it going to be challenging even if I stay healthy. It's really hard to train outside in the winter because I'm really not trying to run on ice and fall again. One fall is enough for me.
Only three days left of the challenge. I'm on the lookout for today's gift.
I'm just putting one foot in front of the other. I'm trying to work on my patience. I know all kinds of great things are in store for me ... I really honestly believe it. But I've been struggling this week to feel that strongly. Someone told me recently that you can't get the things you want unless you really believe they are possible. But I've been wondering this week if that means you're not supposed to have any doubts. I figure even the best of us have doubts so that must be part of the equation.
But I do honestly know that all the dreams I have will come true. I'm not sure when, but I know they are coming. Just one step at a time.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Fake it til you make it ...
Day 23: Monday -- Maybe this doesn't count or is considered cheating but yesterday I gave myself a gift. Not a new pair of shoes or something really nice. But I gave myself two hours of watching bad television and taking down the Christmas decorations. It had to be done. And the only way that I could really talk myself into it was if I thought of it as a gift of getting my life in order.
I feel like maybe I haven't done a very good job with this 29 gifts challenge ... I mean I have been so busy it's been hard to think of things some days. Honestly, some days it's just been plain hard.
Started my day off today in tears and in a meeting with the bosses. I'm not enjoying the work situation at the moment. I have so many good stories that it is really hard to manage. That might seem like a good problem to have but it's very stressful and overwhelming because I don't feel like I'm managing any of them well. I don't know how to snap out of this one.
Sometimes I feel so sad but I feel like I'm trying to just put on a happy face and kind of fake it until I make it. I don't know if I'm crossing over into the category of stuffing my emotions or just trying to make the best of it. I feel like there are so many things weighing on me. I know I miss Ben, but I think I really miss the support and comfort of having a relationship. You know, someone who can say to me -- "I'll help you with the laundry or the dinner or the whatever." I've just been running myself around for the past several weeks trying to keep myself busy and occupied ... pushing myself into a routine that might help me come out of all this trauma in my life. It's not easy. I'm ready to just stop and rest. But I'm so afraid to do that because when I give myself that quiet, I'm just sad. It's getting better ... but it's not easy. As much as I love all my friends, it's hard to be the single one. It's hard to put on a happy face and try to focus on all the positives all the time. Sometimes I just feel like the stress is just weighing me down. I think that's why my shoulder has been in pretty bad pain for the past three weeks.
But the alternative isn't great either. I guess it's better to just keep plugging on ahead and keeping that smile on my face. I'm pushing myself to meet new people or connect with folks that I've always found interesting but didn't try to spend time with. I'm trying to increase the social circle. I'm gearing up for another round of marathon training. It's a lot on my plate. But when I think about it, I've always been this way. I've always been one to stay busy. And I am trying to do what's best for me.
Day 24: Today -- got online and tried this site, care2.org. You get on there and read things and make comments, sign petitions and it's all about earth healthy, green living, positive things. And you earn points by your actions on there. And then you turn the points into actions. So, I gave back a pound of carbon emissions on the site. I'm not sure how that actually works ... but I think it's good to stop and think about the carbon we put into the air and how it impacts the earth. So, it was a decent gift. Kinda ran out of steam today on the giving because I was so beaten down early in the day. But I hung out with good friends tonight and kicked off the new season of The Biggest Loser with them, so that helped my spirits.
Want to try to make it to the gym tomorrow.
And it was cool today because I was reminded how our own efforts to help ourselves put positive energy out there influence others. My yoga teacher, Nicole, told our class today that she's been inspired by my blog and started her own blog. She was talking about some yoga principles of giving and how putting our energy out there for others attracts good things into our lives. It's not just about how "you have to love yourself first" -- but it's about how we have to be able to share that love that attracts more love into our lives. I really believe that. I do love myself. But I have to be willing to keep sharing myself -- putting myself out there -- in order to get more love back.
Thanks for letting me work this out through the blog today -- maybe the answer is that I am tired and worn down and finding it harder to give and love. But if I just keep doing it, the returns will be great.
I feel like maybe I haven't done a very good job with this 29 gifts challenge ... I mean I have been so busy it's been hard to think of things some days. Honestly, some days it's just been plain hard.
Started my day off today in tears and in a meeting with the bosses. I'm not enjoying the work situation at the moment. I have so many good stories that it is really hard to manage. That might seem like a good problem to have but it's very stressful and overwhelming because I don't feel like I'm managing any of them well. I don't know how to snap out of this one.
Sometimes I feel so sad but I feel like I'm trying to just put on a happy face and kind of fake it until I make it. I don't know if I'm crossing over into the category of stuffing my emotions or just trying to make the best of it. I feel like there are so many things weighing on me. I know I miss Ben, but I think I really miss the support and comfort of having a relationship. You know, someone who can say to me -- "I'll help you with the laundry or the dinner or the whatever." I've just been running myself around for the past several weeks trying to keep myself busy and occupied ... pushing myself into a routine that might help me come out of all this trauma in my life. It's not easy. I'm ready to just stop and rest. But I'm so afraid to do that because when I give myself that quiet, I'm just sad. It's getting better ... but it's not easy. As much as I love all my friends, it's hard to be the single one. It's hard to put on a happy face and try to focus on all the positives all the time. Sometimes I just feel like the stress is just weighing me down. I think that's why my shoulder has been in pretty bad pain for the past three weeks.
But the alternative isn't great either. I guess it's better to just keep plugging on ahead and keeping that smile on my face. I'm pushing myself to meet new people or connect with folks that I've always found interesting but didn't try to spend time with. I'm trying to increase the social circle. I'm gearing up for another round of marathon training. It's a lot on my plate. But when I think about it, I've always been this way. I've always been one to stay busy. And I am trying to do what's best for me.
Day 24: Today -- got online and tried this site, care2.org. You get on there and read things and make comments, sign petitions and it's all about earth healthy, green living, positive things. And you earn points by your actions on there. And then you turn the points into actions. So, I gave back a pound of carbon emissions on the site. I'm not sure how that actually works ... but I think it's good to stop and think about the carbon we put into the air and how it impacts the earth. So, it was a decent gift. Kinda ran out of steam today on the giving because I was so beaten down early in the day. But I hung out with good friends tonight and kicked off the new season of The Biggest Loser with them, so that helped my spirits.
Want to try to make it to the gym tomorrow.
And it was cool today because I was reminded how our own efforts to help ourselves put positive energy out there influence others. My yoga teacher, Nicole, told our class today that she's been inspired by my blog and started her own blog. She was talking about some yoga principles of giving and how putting our energy out there for others attracts good things into our lives. It's not just about how "you have to love yourself first" -- but it's about how we have to be able to share that love that attracts more love into our lives. I really believe that. I do love myself. But I have to be willing to keep sharing myself -- putting myself out there -- in order to get more love back.
Thanks for letting me work this out through the blog today -- maybe the answer is that I am tired and worn down and finding it harder to give and love. But if I just keep doing it, the returns will be great.
Monday, January 4, 2010
New year ...
When I walked in to work this morning I faced a startling revelation ... just because it's a new year doesn't mean anything at work has changed magically. I think part of my problem is that I woke up with a raging sinus headache that really hasn't subsided throughout the day. It's a bit frustrating actually. I'm actually considering giving the Neti Pot a try, which is a big step as I've resisted the idea of sniffing water up my nose for a very long time. I seriously hate that sensation. But ... this headache sucks. But I'm hoping it's just sinuses and not a full on cold, which I fear it could be.
The giving ... it continues.
Day 19: New Year's Eve. Got out of work early a bit and spent some time with Sarah who is in town from LA and agreed to be my date for the evening. Got home and found a really nice note from someone I thought I'd lost touch with ... made me feel pretty good to know that I have her support even when I thought I might not given the breakup. Had a great time having dinner with friends and managed not to feel at all bad that I'd found myself single on New Year's Eve once again. Honestly, that's been the case most of my life so why start being really upset about it now. My gift for the day was a small donation to www.dinnergarden.org, which provides seeds to families so they can grow their own food. I really like the idea of it and thought it would be a good hopeful way to end the year thinking that maybe we could have fewer Americans going hungry this year.
Day 20: Friday -- Kept myself really busy this weekend. Went to brunch at a friends and saw two movies on Friday. My gift for the day was snacks for the Lusters when we went to see Invictus. Linda and Bill have been hugely helpful to me and always manage to be there to support me when I'm going through the good and bad times. It was just a small gesture that can't express how I really feel about them.
Day 21: Went for my first training run with TEAM in Training. Got a call at 7 a.m. that it was only 14 degrees and my other running partners didn't want to be out in that brutal of a chill. But for myself, I decided I needed to go. I couldn't miss the first training. So, I went and met Jere and we did just 4 miles. I tested out the new Garmin GPS watch my dad got me for Christmas and it was totally awesome. I do look kind of hard core sporting two watches and beeping constantly to keep up with my intervals. My lungs were burning with the cold air, but it felt really good. I'm going to get the whole training regimen sketched out here soon and will feel good to have a goal and hope the endorphins will help me out.
Denise and I went in search of a guitar for my brand new Wii ... and we found one and a set of drums which I got for a steal. And then we headed to Swag's to check out running gear. I was able to buy my gift of the day for Denise -- a 26.2 sticker for her car. Denise and I trained together for fall marathons and now she is joining Team in training to support me and may dad. And she plans to run the Louisville Derby marathon and Chicago (which I'm also planning on.) She gives me a lot of inspiration -- but I"m not jumping on the Derby marathon bandwagon. Two in one year is going to be enough for me.
Also had a great gathering at my house Saturday night and got to see a lot of friends and start the new year off with a little joy in my house. It was a lot of fun.
Day 22: Sunday. So, I started feeling the post-holiday blues a bit on Sunday. I don't know why but I think all the holiday activity started to catch up with me ... and the emotions too. I tried really hard to keep myself busy all day ... probably too busy. I'm going to have to find a way to slow it down and relax a little too.
The highlight of my day also was my gift for the day -- I picked up Elise and we headed to the movies to see the Princess and the Frog. She was pretty doggone excited. It was great to see that kind of 7-year-old enthusiasm. And it was a good movie too. And I was able to give her the Christmas presents I got her, which were well received. But the biggest gift was just the time together which to be fair was as big a gift for me as for her.
Day 23: Today ... not sure what today's gift is yet. But I'm on the hunt. Only a few more days to go and I want to try to be more mindful about them.
And an update on my dad ... he's officially considered to be in remission. Which is good. But probably his best chance is a bone marrow transplant and he doesn't have a donor yet. So, that's a bit nerve wracking. He's back in the hospital today for some new chemo. It's called consolidation therapy. It's pretty hard for me to wrap my head around and I think that's contributing to my general sense of the blues for the past couple days. So, send prayers and good karma to him this week while he's getting what he calls his "electric kool-aid."
The giving ... it continues.
Day 19: New Year's Eve. Got out of work early a bit and spent some time with Sarah who is in town from LA and agreed to be my date for the evening. Got home and found a really nice note from someone I thought I'd lost touch with ... made me feel pretty good to know that I have her support even when I thought I might not given the breakup. Had a great time having dinner with friends and managed not to feel at all bad that I'd found myself single on New Year's Eve once again. Honestly, that's been the case most of my life so why start being really upset about it now. My gift for the day was a small donation to www.dinnergarden.org, which provides seeds to families so they can grow their own food. I really like the idea of it and thought it would be a good hopeful way to end the year thinking that maybe we could have fewer Americans going hungry this year.
Day 20: Friday -- Kept myself really busy this weekend. Went to brunch at a friends and saw two movies on Friday. My gift for the day was snacks for the Lusters when we went to see Invictus. Linda and Bill have been hugely helpful to me and always manage to be there to support me when I'm going through the good and bad times. It was just a small gesture that can't express how I really feel about them.
Day 21: Went for my first training run with TEAM in Training. Got a call at 7 a.m. that it was only 14 degrees and my other running partners didn't want to be out in that brutal of a chill. But for myself, I decided I needed to go. I couldn't miss the first training. So, I went and met Jere and we did just 4 miles. I tested out the new Garmin GPS watch my dad got me for Christmas and it was totally awesome. I do look kind of hard core sporting two watches and beeping constantly to keep up with my intervals. My lungs were burning with the cold air, but it felt really good. I'm going to get the whole training regimen sketched out here soon and will feel good to have a goal and hope the endorphins will help me out.
Denise and I went in search of a guitar for my brand new Wii ... and we found one and a set of drums which I got for a steal. And then we headed to Swag's to check out running gear. I was able to buy my gift of the day for Denise -- a 26.2 sticker for her car. Denise and I trained together for fall marathons and now she is joining Team in training to support me and may dad. And she plans to run the Louisville Derby marathon and Chicago (which I'm also planning on.) She gives me a lot of inspiration -- but I"m not jumping on the Derby marathon bandwagon. Two in one year is going to be enough for me.
Also had a great gathering at my house Saturday night and got to see a lot of friends and start the new year off with a little joy in my house. It was a lot of fun.
Day 22: Sunday. So, I started feeling the post-holiday blues a bit on Sunday. I don't know why but I think all the holiday activity started to catch up with me ... and the emotions too. I tried really hard to keep myself busy all day ... probably too busy. I'm going to have to find a way to slow it down and relax a little too.
The highlight of my day also was my gift for the day -- I picked up Elise and we headed to the movies to see the Princess and the Frog. She was pretty doggone excited. It was great to see that kind of 7-year-old enthusiasm. And it was a good movie too. And I was able to give her the Christmas presents I got her, which were well received. But the biggest gift was just the time together which to be fair was as big a gift for me as for her.
Day 23: Today ... not sure what today's gift is yet. But I'm on the hunt. Only a few more days to go and I want to try to be more mindful about them.
And an update on my dad ... he's officially considered to be in remission. Which is good. But probably his best chance is a bone marrow transplant and he doesn't have a donor yet. So, that's a bit nerve wracking. He's back in the hospital today for some new chemo. It's called consolidation therapy. It's pretty hard for me to wrap my head around and I think that's contributing to my general sense of the blues for the past couple days. So, send prayers and good karma to him this week while he's getting what he calls his "electric kool-aid."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)