Oh yeah, the dress ....

Ok, in the last post I didn't talk about the Bluegrass Ball. It was a swanky affair for those attending ... but for those of us working, not so much. I walked around talking to folks who were having a good time and drinking bourbon. And then they ate a wonderful meal as well. But me, I snagged a couple pre-dinner snacks but then went out for Lebanese food with Maria and Jim, which was actually quite fun. We were a site in our fancy duds at this restaurant I tell you.

But for those who were curious, here's how the dress looked. Thanks to my friend Heidi for the pic ...






And just for fun I include this picture of us gals having a few margaritas earlier that day. Yum!!!

My fellow Americans ...

Seems like everyone had been waiting -- Republicans and Democrats alike -- for the inauguration of Barack Obama. Some had a feeling of hope, some of dread. It all depends on perspective.

I'd been quite anxious myself. I was pumped up to be in Washington, D.C. and ready to gather up as much news as I could. I just wanted to say I'd been there. More than that really ... it's my urge to always be in the middle of the big story. And how much bigger could the inauguration of the country's first black president be?

As a native Detroiter, I knew what this moment would mean. I knew what it would mean to my high school English teacher. What it would mean to my mentor sitting at home in Louisville watching with a glass of Jack to toast with. What it would mean to all the mixed-race children in my family and community to see this man as a role model.

Still, there was a moment at 6 a.m. as I saw the news reports of hundreds already flocking the mall and windchills reaching only 9 degrees, when I paused and thought seriously that I'd lost my mind to plunge into this.

But it was a fleeting thought. I donned the seven layers I'd carefully laid out the night before. Wrapped two scarves around my neck and face. Put on the coziest hat I could find. Laced up my hiking shoes covering two pairs of socks and headed out for the mall.

Luckily, I was staying with a conveniently situated friend who lives just past Union Station. I thought this will be no problem. Then I hit the crowds. Oh my God were there crowds. I've never seen anything like it in my life. I think I have a better understanding of how salmon feel now.

People pressed together and just shuffled along as they tried to reach a spot where they could grab a glimpse of a giant screen. It was slow going. But we all made it somewhere eventually.

After a failed, and probably ill-advised, attempt to meet up with some fellow Louisvillians, I realized the futility of my effort. I won't describe the number of people that I was pushed or jostled by but let's say I don't need anyone to touch me for quite some time.

I decided to settle in or I would be left with no view and likely a harder journey back. I staked out a place just south of the Washington Monument. A jumbotron in front of me, though slightly angled. Here is where height works in your favor.

Still, some folks don't understand that when you've staked out a place, that is not an invitation for them to come stand in it. There was quite a bit of jockeying for position that went on in that last hour. And I became entrenched in very tight quarters with a bunch of people I didn't know.

In a truly Jessie moment, I happened to stand next to a man from Kenya, Alex. He now lives in Baltimore. In my grandmother's tradition, I talk to people I don't know. With a few simple questions, I came to learn that Alex moved to the U.S. to attend college at .... wait for it ... the University of Kentucky. I KNOW RIGHT!!! 2 million people and I stand next to a guy who went to UK. Needless to say I whipped out the notebook feeling a wave of relief that I had at least one quote to work with.

We all stood watching the ceremony intently. It isn't nice to boo so I didn't even though the rest of the crowd let out a raucus boo for our previous president.

But it was the joy and the tears and the smiles and the cheers that erupted during pretty much every move Obama made that will stay with me forever. There was a lot of hope in that crowd. A lot of dreams realized in that crowd. There was interest in the process. And a joy for the moment.

Near me stood a man from Africa making his life here now. A black couple from D.C. filled with the energy and poinancy of the moment. There was a young Indian woman fervently clapping. A group of Latinos was joking in back of me. A white couple from Leesburg, Va. stood attentively watching.

It's the moment I've been waiting my whole life for.

It's the first moment I remember in a public setting where race didn't seem to hinder anyone. No one seemed to notice it much. If you were a jerk pushing people, someone always called you out on it, no matter who you were. A white woman wrapped in an American flag stood guard over two older black women who were trying to keep their portable seats from being trampled. Children sat on parents shoulders to catch a glimpse.

It was an amazing day. I'm not thinking about the two hours it took me to walk the two miles back to the apartment. I'm not thinking about the cold and the amount of time it took my face to thaw out.

It was just cool to be there to witness history in the making. It was cool to be a reporter documenting the moment.

It was just cool.

To be or not to be inspired ...

Lately I feel like I'm doing a lot of waffling ... One minute I feel completely upbeat and positive and the next I feel like things are never going to work out right and unmotivated.

On Saturday, I got up pretty early for a rainy Saturday morning and went out to walk the 4-mile Snowman Shuffle with my dedicated group of friends. It was really inspiring to see my friend Kat make it through the whole thing in about an hour and running spurts of it. Harris Bueller kept me entertained and motivated as we walked slightly ahead of Kat. We can't help it if our legs are so long.

It was a good feeling to complete something like that when really the basic instinct is to stay in bed. I feel like I've really changed the way I view exercise. I make it to the gym regularly and have seen a real change in my appearance and how I feel. That's inspiring for sure.

But then I have these moments when I just can't figure out where my life is heading. Things are bleak for the newspaper business. Rumors keep circulating about more layoffs coming or unpaid furloughs that I know I will definitely feel the pinch of one way or another. Friends at other papers talk about outsourcing to India and paycuts. It's not easy to stay focused when those things are swirling around.

Personally, I'm trying to find the zen, peaceful place in my life. I'm trying to find that space where once again I'm ok with just being single. I'm ok with just doing the best I can at work and knowing that I can't control the rest of the madness. I'm trying to give myself permission to not be crazy busy all the time.

And then I just want to keep getting out there too ... I'm planning to start finally doing some work for Habitat as I've wanted to do for the last year. I'm trying to decide what I can do to spend some time with young people who are searching for direction as well. I want to get the time and mental space to start writing ... for me, not for work. I want to take that Feb. dance class.

Even in the course of this one blog entry, I feel like I've waffled between optimism and pessimism. I don't know from day to day which one will win out.

I'm not sure why I'm even documenting this internal struggle at the moment ... maybe I'm hoping some of you out there who look at this might have some ideas. Or at least will be able to tell me that I'm not alone in this struggle these days.

Power of the dress

Not many people describe me as girly. I don't spend much time, if any, on my makeup. I don't wear three inch skinny heels (though I do like shoes but must have comfort). I swear too much. I watch hockey games while I'm home alone and there isn't a guy in sight. And I don't take too much shit and I'm not afraid to call you out on yours either.

With all that said, I do appreciate a good shopping trip or a night of margaritas with the girls. I love to dress up and I enjoy the girly things in life in moderation.

But this week I had a moment of complete and total girliness beyond my own expectations.

I bought a dress. Not just any dress. A ball gown to wear to the Bluegrass Ball in DC during the inaugural festivities.

It's a beautiful chocolate brown -- technically named truffle. My sister says I will look delicious in it.

The best part about this dress was how I found it. Kitty Kat sent me an email on Tuesday proclaiming her joy at finding not one, but two, great dresses at Margaret's consignment shop. She sent a picture estimating the look of a teal dress she bought. I wanted the brown dress in the picture.

Later that evening the girls and I were having dinner at a Thai restaurant next to David's Bridal. Now, I don't go in bridal stores unless I have to. I went with my sister when she was shopping for her dress but I don't stop by on my own to browse. I'm not one of those girls.

But David's happens to be having their big sale right now. And when we walked out of dinner at 8:30 p.m. we were surprised to see David's still open. So, we all ran in, literally. Poor Harris Bueller was the lone male in this gaggle of girls but found a comfy couch to sit on.

We started pouring over the sale racks, pulling out gowns. And then there it was ... the dress.

It was strikingly similar to Kitty Kat's picture and I loved it instantly. I snatched up two sizes (because bridal is evil and always too small.)

I tried on the 14 ... way too big. Amazing. Then the 12 ... but this required calling in the troops and Kerri had to come help me in. We weren't sure I was going to make it. But then it all came together.

And it was amazing. It fits like it was made for me. I cinches my waist in just the perfect ways. "My girls" look amazing in it. And it flows out in just the perfect shape.

All day yesterday, I thought about this dress and it makes me smile. I feel like a princess and I"m not the princess type. Somehow this dress makes me feel like all the heartache and pain of the past couple months can be mended. That somehow if I can fit into something so beautiful that there is hope for finding love again.

Maybe it's stupid. It's only a dress right? And really what's important is that I'm the one in the dress and I'm amazing. But something about this dress -- which was also really cheap -- makes me believe in my own beauty again. It makes me remember that I am fabulous and worth loving. It makes me remember that I do a lot of amazing and fun things. It makes me remember how fun I am.

Because if I wasn't all those things, I wouldn't have found that dress.

Motivate me

Here's the thing about motivation: Sometimes you have it. Sometimes you don't.
When the alarm screeched on this morning on at 6 a.m., I did not have it.

So, I laid there for a snooze, twice. Then I figured I better call Peppermint Patty and get her moving, if that was possible. I don't think she had motivation either. So, I laid there some more. I even decided that today, with rain coming down and 34 degree temps, I could skip the gym.

Then a funny thing happened. I started to think about boot camp. And I thought about all those women who were already finishing up their workouts for the day. And then I thought about what Chris and Kara -- the best coaches ever -- would say to me. And it would not be to just roll over and go back to bed.

So, I got up. I went to the gym, only about half hour later than normal. And I hit the elliptical. I even managed to try the 20 incline, which lasted for about 2 minutes until I thought I was going to puke. I saw a new stand full of medicine balls and decided to test out a few former boot camp moves.

All in all, it was awesome. And as I sit here at my desk, I'm feeling really good and proud of myself for not giving up on the goal of hitting the gym every day this week. And I'm doing the Snowman Shuffle on Saturday so I have a week full of exercise ahead of me. For the moment, I believe I can accomplish it.

An old friend from high school, who I've recently been emailing with on Facebook, told me about a neat website that I went to check out this morning -- www.43things.com

Basically, it lets you log your goals. They suggest making 43. I gave it a whirl and it was pretty cool. I'd already made a list on a scrap of paper that I'm carrying around with me about some things I want to accomplish in 2009. There aren't 43 things on that list, so I expanded it a bit and if I don't reach all these 43 goals in 2009 it won't be the end of the world. I think it might need a little adjusting, particularly if I'm going to let it expand beyond 2009. But it was a cool exercise.

Now I just need to find some motivation for the story I have to write today.