If you know me at all, you know that I'm not a fan of rollercoasters. I will spend all day at an amusement park happily walking around watching the people, eating soft pretzels and watching my family ride. But I'm not getting on one. I tried the Rugrats one at King's Island a couple summers ago and that was too much for me ... yes, the kiddie coaster.
So, right now I'm not too happy that my life feels like a giant rollercoaster. It's been a constant series of ups and downs over the past month. I guess I'm realizing that it's probably just the way life is.
I've spent a lot of my life, dreading the climb to the top of the coaster because I know on the other end comes the fall. I don't deal so well with the fall. It's been a constant in my life. With the ups, come the downs. And I'm always waiting for the downs.
And I'm no doubt in a down right now.
But here's what I'm doing about it -- I'm trying to take it in stride. I'm trying to enjoy the ride as much as possible. And when I have to cry I do. But mostly I'm just trying to ride it out.
Today I got an incredible high. My dad is going home from the hospital for the first time in over a month. And they don't expect he'll have to go back for another dose of chemo until after Christmas. So, without any further complications, he should be home for the holiday. I'm very happy for him about that.
And while I was on the phone with him, I was able to tell him that I'm doing something too -- I'm going to join Team in Training and instead of raising money for breast cancer research this year, I'm going to raise some money for leukemia research. I'll be doing it for the mini-marathon. And all that training will coincide with his chemo treatments. It's really the only thing I can think of to do proactively. I believe very strongly in karma and putting the good vibes out to the universe -- so that's what I'm going to do. And I feel so good about this decision.
People say don't make any major life decisions when life is throwing you curve balls. But I don't sit around well, so I'm starting to take some steps to get myself back in the swing of things. The Christmas decorations came up and I'm transforming my house into the holiday spirit. I'm headed to New Orleans for a week to meet Press and spend time with Maria. I'm exploring some new options that could be really exciting and enriching. I'm setting myself up to write some more for myself.
Maybe I'm just trying to stay too busy ... that may be partly true. But I'm better when I'm busy and not wallowing. I'm stronger than I know-- I just have to prove it to myself again.
I'm trying to love life's rollercoaster -- but still don't expect me to get on the Diamondback or the Beast.
UPDATE:
To add to this rollercoaster, my dad didn't end up going home yesterday. They want to keep an eye on a couple of other things going on for a bit. I'm telling you ... I want off. I don't like the constant changes going on in my life right now. Makes it harder to just go along for the ride.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Heartbreak Hotel
So, the bf decided that it was time we broke up. That has made for a pretty long week and lots of tears. Thanksgiving -- despite the efforts of good friends who invited me to two events -- was pretty miserable as I kept thinking about the dinner I had planned to cook with his family. And being away from my family with my dad in the hospital -- possibly with pneumonia added to all his troubles -- didn't help things either.
It's a hard thing when you realize you love someone more than you actually realized. And when with that realization also comes the recognition that you didn't always treat that person the way you wanted to, that's especially hard. Let's be clear here ...I'm not blaming myself or beating myself up about it, most of the time anyway. I know I'm a pretty amazing woman who has a big heart and a lot to offer. I also know the same thing about the bf. I know this is not about me. This is about fear ... This is about not knowing how to put our life baggage aside and just enjoy each other and work through the struggles.
I have life baggage and I bet I'm not the only one. The funny thing about these times of heartbreak is that you learn a lot about yourself -- and a lot of it I think would have been helpful in not getting me to this point if I'd taken the time to think about this before. I know that I'm not always the easiest person to love. I know that I can be bossy and controlling and I am never short of opinions. I make snap decisions -- that's a necessary skill in my business, but not always a benefit in life. But I also know that I'm supportive and encouraging to my mate. I try to think about their needs, even when sometimes my needs are great.
I know things weren't perfect. I know there were things to work out. But I also know that this person brought many riches to my life. He made me feel, for the first time, like many things are possible for me -- book writing, a relationship in which the man sometimes does things for you without you asking for them, thoughtful presents and moments of calm, and not asking me to be something I'm not. Those things weren't present in most of my previous relationships and despite the rocky periods, they were present here.
And what I know for myself is that I want someone who can let me into his life. Someone who has confidence in himself enough to know that when I'm snappy or having a bad day, it is not personal to him. Someone who sees the same potential in himself that I see and who appreciates the encouragement I give him to succeed.
It's a sad thing to love someone and know that person still loves you, but that you aren't going to be together. It's a hole in my heart right now as I feel like the person I leaned on the most and spent the most time with over the past 8 months has been ripped from my life at a time when I'm trying to pull my friends close so that I can get through some of life's most difficult challenges.
But it's a powerful feeling to know that if I let myself cry and I give myself permission to change and grow from this, that I can be an even better partner in my next relationship. I'm disappointed ... madly, profoundly disappointed and sad. But I still want to believe in love.
And I believe strongly that everything happens for a reason. And if this man was the person for me than life will find away to bring us back together and make us stronger. But if not, and I have to assume not in order to move on, than I will be stronger still.
I spent a lot of time on Thanksgiving feeling sorry for myself and struggling to find reasons to be thankful. But as I sit here early this morning I know that I am grateful and lucky to have amazing friends and family. My family is going through a rough patch, but as I told my dad yesterday, we will get through it together.
Somehow when you are sitting at the pits of your emotions -- afraid to be at home alone, crying hysterically -- life has a way of throwing you an anchor. I could barely get up and get myself to work this morning ... but when I got here a co-worker (one I don't see much and never go out with socially) left me a tin of brownies and a wonderful note of understanding my pain. That is a reminder -- a much needed one -- that I'm lucky and loved and if the bf doesn't want that in his life, I'm probably better off. But it still stings.
It's a hard thing when you realize you love someone more than you actually realized. And when with that realization also comes the recognition that you didn't always treat that person the way you wanted to, that's especially hard. Let's be clear here ...I'm not blaming myself or beating myself up about it, most of the time anyway. I know I'm a pretty amazing woman who has a big heart and a lot to offer. I also know the same thing about the bf. I know this is not about me. This is about fear ... This is about not knowing how to put our life baggage aside and just enjoy each other and work through the struggles.
I have life baggage and I bet I'm not the only one. The funny thing about these times of heartbreak is that you learn a lot about yourself -- and a lot of it I think would have been helpful in not getting me to this point if I'd taken the time to think about this before. I know that I'm not always the easiest person to love. I know that I can be bossy and controlling and I am never short of opinions. I make snap decisions -- that's a necessary skill in my business, but not always a benefit in life. But I also know that I'm supportive and encouraging to my mate. I try to think about their needs, even when sometimes my needs are great.
I know things weren't perfect. I know there were things to work out. But I also know that this person brought many riches to my life. He made me feel, for the first time, like many things are possible for me -- book writing, a relationship in which the man sometimes does things for you without you asking for them, thoughtful presents and moments of calm, and not asking me to be something I'm not. Those things weren't present in most of my previous relationships and despite the rocky periods, they were present here.
And what I know for myself is that I want someone who can let me into his life. Someone who has confidence in himself enough to know that when I'm snappy or having a bad day, it is not personal to him. Someone who sees the same potential in himself that I see and who appreciates the encouragement I give him to succeed.
It's a sad thing to love someone and know that person still loves you, but that you aren't going to be together. It's a hole in my heart right now as I feel like the person I leaned on the most and spent the most time with over the past 8 months has been ripped from my life at a time when I'm trying to pull my friends close so that I can get through some of life's most difficult challenges.
But it's a powerful feeling to know that if I let myself cry and I give myself permission to change and grow from this, that I can be an even better partner in my next relationship. I'm disappointed ... madly, profoundly disappointed and sad. But I still want to believe in love.
And I believe strongly that everything happens for a reason. And if this man was the person for me than life will find away to bring us back together and make us stronger. But if not, and I have to assume not in order to move on, than I will be stronger still.
I spent a lot of time on Thanksgiving feeling sorry for myself and struggling to find reasons to be thankful. But as I sit here early this morning I know that I am grateful and lucky to have amazing friends and family. My family is going through a rough patch, but as I told my dad yesterday, we will get through it together.
Somehow when you are sitting at the pits of your emotions -- afraid to be at home alone, crying hysterically -- life has a way of throwing you an anchor. I could barely get up and get myself to work this morning ... but when I got here a co-worker (one I don't see much and never go out with socially) left me a tin of brownies and a wonderful note of understanding my pain. That is a reminder -- a much needed one -- that I'm lucky and loved and if the bf doesn't want that in his life, I'm probably better off. But it still stings.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Where have you been all my life?
So, I started training for a marathon at the end of June ... and then I disappeared.
I guess that means I owe everyone an apology for vanishing from the blogging world. It's been a wild ride since I decided I wanted to become a runner, of sorts.
Here's a short recap of the past few months.
Love the run/walk interval. It's amazing how you get the cardio boost but your recovery is amazingly fast. I've never felt so good after a marathon as I have after doing the interval training -- remember, I'd walked 7 marathons as part of my breast cancer awareness fundraising.
But the training wasn't without its difficulties. Getting up early is no picnic. I took some grief for the early hours from the bf. And fell asleep on the couch more than once as a result. I ate the asphalt one morning, as a pesky bolt in the road reached up and grabbed me and sent me doing the perfect slide into home plate (only there was no home plate.) Fortunately, the injuries were pretty minor and I could wave off the ambulance that came for me.
And the training (mostly the downhills) took a toll on my knee -- sending me to a chiropractor who takes a lot of joy in inflicting a pain on my muscles that I hope none of you have to experience. I call it getting scraped and taped. Not fun ... if you really want to know what I'm talking about look up Graston technique.
But when the morning of the marathon came in San Francisco, I was ready to make the best of it. I had a blast. The first half was a little rough as I had to force myself to walk the downhills -- and almost an entire mile was downhill. I watched the six hour pace setter pass me up ... really discouraging me mentally. But I kept on going and eventually caught up to her again. And somehow, despite a few pains between miles 10 and 14, I got pain free for most of the second half. And then it was just a matter of finishing. The iPod went caput at mile 19 -- so I was glad that I had run all those times without music but I really wished Maggie and Denise were there to talk to.
There is no feeling like seeing the ocean to the side of you and then heading for the finish line. Tons of people cheering and then hearing your friends yell out your name ... Kat on one side, Cayce and Jonathan on the other. It was fantastic. And then a firefighter in a tux (a hot one) gave me that beautiful blue Tiffany's box with my precious necklace inside it. Ahhh! Success!!!
And honestly, despite being tired, hungry and a little stiff --- I was already thinking about the next one. I'm thinking Chicago -- 10/10/10 --- Anyone want to join me?
Other than that, work has been a whirlwind too. I've had a lot of great stories -- managing to keep myself on the front page with regularity. I'm trying to keep it that way, but also manage the constant, never lessening demands.
And I'm trying to be grateful for everything I have. That became even more important last week when I learned that my dad has been diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. He's on Day 7 of his chemo treatments and says he's feeling ok so far ... He'll get a week of rest and then we'll figure out what's next. It's been very sudden and a lot to absorb. It's hard to be so far away from everyone in Detroit, but I'm headed home this week to see him for a couple days. We can all use a few good wishes, karmic vibes or prayers -- which ever you prefer -- just keep them coming. I'm not sure I can blog much about it because it's hard to get down in words, even for me, but I wanted to let folks know. Thanks already for your support with this.
That's a lot for a first blog in months but a lot has happened and I tried to keep it to the basics.
Love y'all and I'll try to keep the posts more frequent.
Jess
I guess that means I owe everyone an apology for vanishing from the blogging world. It's been a wild ride since I decided I wanted to become a runner, of sorts.
Here's a short recap of the past few months.
Love the run/walk interval. It's amazing how you get the cardio boost but your recovery is amazingly fast. I've never felt so good after a marathon as I have after doing the interval training -- remember, I'd walked 7 marathons as part of my breast cancer awareness fundraising.
But the training wasn't without its difficulties. Getting up early is no picnic. I took some grief for the early hours from the bf. And fell asleep on the couch more than once as a result. I ate the asphalt one morning, as a pesky bolt in the road reached up and grabbed me and sent me doing the perfect slide into home plate (only there was no home plate.) Fortunately, the injuries were pretty minor and I could wave off the ambulance that came for me.
And the training (mostly the downhills) took a toll on my knee -- sending me to a chiropractor who takes a lot of joy in inflicting a pain on my muscles that I hope none of you have to experience. I call it getting scraped and taped. Not fun ... if you really want to know what I'm talking about look up Graston technique.
But when the morning of the marathon came in San Francisco, I was ready to make the best of it. I had a blast. The first half was a little rough as I had to force myself to walk the downhills -- and almost an entire mile was downhill. I watched the six hour pace setter pass me up ... really discouraging me mentally. But I kept on going and eventually caught up to her again. And somehow, despite a few pains between miles 10 and 14, I got pain free for most of the second half. And then it was just a matter of finishing. The iPod went caput at mile 19 -- so I was glad that I had run all those times without music but I really wished Maggie and Denise were there to talk to.
There is no feeling like seeing the ocean to the side of you and then heading for the finish line. Tons of people cheering and then hearing your friends yell out your name ... Kat on one side, Cayce and Jonathan on the other. It was fantastic. And then a firefighter in a tux (a hot one) gave me that beautiful blue Tiffany's box with my precious necklace inside it. Ahhh! Success!!!
And honestly, despite being tired, hungry and a little stiff --- I was already thinking about the next one. I'm thinking Chicago -- 10/10/10 --- Anyone want to join me?
Other than that, work has been a whirlwind too. I've had a lot of great stories -- managing to keep myself on the front page with regularity. I'm trying to keep it that way, but also manage the constant, never lessening demands.
And I'm trying to be grateful for everything I have. That became even more important last week when I learned that my dad has been diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. He's on Day 7 of his chemo treatments and says he's feeling ok so far ... He'll get a week of rest and then we'll figure out what's next. It's been very sudden and a lot to absorb. It's hard to be so far away from everyone in Detroit, but I'm headed home this week to see him for a couple days. We can all use a few good wishes, karmic vibes or prayers -- which ever you prefer -- just keep them coming. I'm not sure I can blog much about it because it's hard to get down in words, even for me, but I wanted to let folks know. Thanks already for your support with this.
That's a lot for a first blog in months but a lot has happened and I tried to keep it to the basics.
Love y'all and I'll try to keep the posts more frequent.
Jess
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