Ringing in the new year ...

I'm not going to say good riddance to 2009 -- it hasn't ended on a particularly happy note this year but I can't say it was all bad. When I think of where I was a year ago, I know I'm in a much better place. I didn't expect to be battling heartbreak again, but you just never know. I am very happy for the good times I had this year with Ben. It's hard to say goodbye, but I'm letting it go. I deserve better than I've been treated recently. And for a change, I know it.

The gift giving has been good for me ... not sure what today's gift will be. My motto for today is "Today I give with hope." So, I'm looking for opportunities.

Day 17, which was Tuesday, was my sister's birthday. I had left a present in Detroit for her. She's a fantastic sister who works really hard and is carrying more of the responsibility at home of helping my dad. She's got a beautiful new house and great step-daughter. And I think there will be some wonderful things happening for her this year.

Day 18: Wednesday. I got an email from Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Kentuckiana encouraging people to give 20.10 before the new year. I've been a big sister before when I lived in Port Huron. And I've thought about doing it again here, but I'm just afraid I wouldn't have the time to devote. Plus, I do try to spend time regularly with my little friends -- kids of co-workers. So, I think that's informally the same thing. So, for Wednesday's gift, I sent in my $20.10. It's a good cause and I do like to support them even if I can't make the time commitment.

As I'm heading into 2010 I have been making a goal list. These are not really resolutions, just a list of things I'd like to try this year. A bucket list of sorts. There were some things I didn't get to last year -- like I still haven't visited Shakertown. And I've got two marathons on the list for this year -- San Diego and Chicago. (anyone who wants to join in or just travel to cheer me on is welcome.) I'm going to raise $3,000 for leukemia research. I'm going to actually start writing these books and stop just talking about it. I'm going to be ready for adventure. I'm going to pay off my debt. And I'm going to see as many friends as possible.

And inspired by Kat, I'm going to write a letter to someone every week and try to reconnect with people and the art form of letter writing. And I want to be better at writing thank you notes.

I want to thank you all for being there for me this year. I'm going to continue to need your support and friendship. And maybe there will be some new friends this year too. I'm open to suggestions this year -- looking for adventure, dates, laughs, etc.

Happy New Year!
Love you all ...
Jess

Catching up ... post holiday

Four days just sped by like a whirlwind. So, I'm just getting to the catching up part as I attempted to stay off computers during the Christmas visit home. Here we go:

Day 12: Christmas Eve
When I was a kid, my sister and I used to follow this routine of begging my mom to start a new tradition where we were able to open one gift on Christmas Eve. How did that work out? Not so much. But this year, with my sister married and lots of family gatherings to deal with, we decided to open several of the presents between my sister, me and my mom -- and the brother-in-law Michael too. We had a great dinner together and then settled around my mom's beautiful tree. It was a lot of fun, though a little odd to be opening gifts before Santa arrives. : ) But we're on to new traditions in my family. I gave some nice gifts to Kate and Michael and received some lovely ones myself -- including a Wii from all of them and my mom.

Day 13: Christmas
This is the BIG day of giving. And my family takes it to heart. We love to give presents and probably give way too many. I've always loved Christmas because it is an excuse for me to give presents without people looking at me strange. I just love to give people things and without an excuse like the holiday, sometimes it seems a little odd to folks.
I love seeing people's faces as they realize what they've gotten that they either didn't expect or it was exactly what they wanted. I'm not going to lie, I love opening presents too. I know that's not necessarily in the spirit of the 29 gifts concept, but who doesn't like to get a pretty package? I gave my dad a journal, because several people have been urging him to document how this experience with cancer goes. I believe in journaling -- kind of doing that now -- so I gave him one to get him started hopefully.

Day 14:
Today I gave my sister Alex -- a full-fledged teenager in angst -- a shopping trip to the after Christmas sales. I gave her things to open on Christmas but figured she would want to pick out her own clothes. She's obsessed with skinny jeans, so I fulfilled her need by finding her some cool, skinny cords at the Gap. For me, the real gift was being able to spend time together. But she's 16 so who knows if she sees that as a gift or not. I'm hopeful that some day she will appreciate it for that.

Day 15:
Traveling home was not high on my list of fun things to do. It just so happens that I would be flying out of the same Detroit airport where a thwarted terrorist attempt occurred on Christmas. But I summoned up my patience and braved the lines to check my bag -- something I normally try not to do but figured it would be easier and more hassle-free to deal with. I made it through with pretty minimal hassle and without losing my temper, so that was a gift in and of itself. My aunt picked me up at the airport and for my gift of the day, I took her to dinner.

Day 16: finally up to date ...
First day back at work ... seems like I never left. There aren't many people here today so it's been pretty quiet. Got drafted to cover a funeral tomorrow for two little boys killed in a fire on Christmas. Everyone else was whining about how they didn't want to have to cover such a sad event ... seriously? What do they think I do all the time? Nearly everything I write about it sad and I don't love doing it, but I hope I bring some compassion to the table when I do it.

Today's gift I'm planning to give to my friend Sarah. It was her birthday yesterday so I have a little gift for her. And we're going to a movie after eating some home made gumbo so that will be fun too.

I'm hoping to get to sleep at a normal hour, my system has been out of whack for weeks. I want to head to the gym in the morning because I think that could really help with the mood.

I always have a little let down after the holiday. And it was hard to come home to an empty house after so much family activity. But I keep repeating to myself that 2010 is going to be my year and I think there will be a lot of wonderful things in store for me this next year. And like Death Cab says this loneliness and heartbreak will seem like "a series of blurs, like never occurred."

Day 11 -- Heading home

So, tonight I head home for the next few days to spend time with the family for Christmas.

Got a big gift this morning with news that my dad is considered in remission now. Of course, we're not out of the woods and he'll have some more chemo. But this is really, really good news and means he's responding to the treatments. Not sure all the details, but that's a pretty good gift this holiday.

Yesterday I realized how powerful the universe is. I've been anticipating, maybe dreading is the word, that some day when I got home there would be some of my stuff that I left at Ben's waiting for me on my doorstep. And yesterday was that day. I was a little shocked and really disappointed when I realized that he didn't even leave the slightest note -- I wasn't expecting one but I can tell you I feel like I deserve a little better than this cold treatment I've gotten from him given the extent of our relationship. Anyway ... I"m not going to dwell on it. But I'm writing about it to point out that as I was getting this sad blow to my heart, I also received a gift from the universe. It wasn't just my stuff left for me ... I had three gifts sitting on my stoop as well, dropped off from friends I didn't expect. It was perfect timing. Ben couldn't have brought the stuff on a better day for me ...

Anyway ... today's gift giving goes to my little friends. I love kids. And I have been thinking about kids and how I don't have any a lot lately. Sometimes it makes me sad. But then I have to remind myself that I have lots of children in my life. I'm lucky that I have three little friends in town -- children of co-workers -- that let me hang out with them. So, today I delivered presents to Lucy and Israel's parents so they will have a little gift from me. Elise will get hers when we hang out next weekend.

I also haven't always been so good about setting an intention for my giving for each day, which is something the 29 Gifts folks suggest you do. But feeling kind of glum this morning, I decided that today's intention is "Today I give with hope." I think I need to stay connected to my hope these days.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to blog while I'm home ... but I'll be saving up my stories for next week if I can't get on the computer. Rest assured ... I'm going to keep giving.

Also -- Kat "thiefer face" Gallagher and I were talking last night and she's liking this idea of the 29 Gifts. But she wants to do something a little different. So, she's planning a new thing that I kind of like too. She's calling it 52 weeks of letters -- an exercise in sending good, old-fashioned snail mail to people. She wants to do a different person each week. I think this is a good idea too so I'm contemplating adding it to my list of goals for 2010. I'm going try to come up with a list of people that I'd like to write to and see where it goes. I'm not sure I want to do 52 different people, but that might be an interesting part of the challenge. Anyone else interested in seeing if we could do this?

Day 10 -- gifts everywhere

Just wanted to say a short thing about yesterday's giving challenge. I was feeling like a cheater-face because of Christmas and having a stash of gifts to deliver over the next few days. But then I realized that even when you have expected gifts, there are opportunities to give some unexpected things.

I was having lunch with my fire department friend and source. I had a plate of cookies for him. (I also took some to my police friends too so I wasn't playing favorites.) But as we were talking, he told me that he was going to go shopping for a couple of kids that he'd learned about who were too old to qualify for the Angel Tree program. Their mom had called seeking some help. He'd done a little research and was heading out to do some shopping. I gave gifts and clothes for two Angels this year, but it was a good reminder that there are lots of people in need. So, inspired, I gave him $20 to use toward his shopping. That was a thought I might not have had if I hadn't been thinking in the 29 Gifts mindset lately.

So, on to today -- I have a gift waiting in the car to give at our girls night gift exchange. I'm super excited to give my gift to Heidi. Hers was the first gift I bought this season -- way back in September while in Chicago at a craft fair. (actually the coolest craft fair I've ever been too.) It just screamed her name. I couldn't resist.

But I had another one of those unexpected moments today. Co-workers and I went to lunch and one of them forgot to pay for a cup of soup as we divvied up the bill, so I just put it on my check. No fuss. No telling him about it. Just an extra gift for today's challenge. : )

Can't wait to finish up work tomorrow afternoon. I've been super busy here -- two stories and a blog today and I'm so stressed that the entire left side of my neck has decided to revolt and tighten up into a giant painful knot. I've tried yoga poses, stretches, tennis ball on the trigger point and drugs to no avail. I'm hoping it goes away soon.

Giving, giving, giving

So, with the holiday rush in full swing I haven't had a lot of spare time for blogging. So, while it's quiet this morning I'm going take a few minutes to hammer out the updates from the past few days of giving.

Friday was Day 6 of the 29gifts challenge. I had a couple ideas but a wonderful opportunity came for me as I covered an assignment. I'd gone out to the site of a horrible crash that happened on Dec. 18, 2008 where four teens were killed when a teen they were getting a ride home from ran from police because the car he was in was stolen, lost control and slammed into a tree. All four of the boys -- twins Demar and Jemar and their brother Marc, and their friend Aaron -- were all killed. The driver now is awaiting trial on four counts of murder.

Over this past year, I've thought about these boys often. They were true victims. I covered their funerals. I've spoken with their parents many times. But Aaron's mother, Robin, always leaves a mark on my heart when I speak to her. At the memorial on Friday, she bent over and hugged the tree where the crash occurred and now a wreath with her son's picture on it sits. Aaron's twin, Andrew, went to school to honor their memories.

After the memorial, Robin was in no shape to talk to anyone. But I had to give her a hug. She grabbed me so hard and sobbed into my shoulder. All I could do was tell her that she was in my thoughts and prayers.

Some may say that as a reporter that's not my place or my job to give any comfort. But first of all, I'm a human being and these stories touch people. And they can't help but touch me as well. I've never believed it was unprofessional to share a hug if that's what feels right. So, Friday, my gift was a hug.

Saturday -- Day 7. I was going to meet up with my running partners to get in a little exercise and companionship. But a cold rain kept us from our run and forced us into a cozy coffee shop. Denise and Maggie have been with me through a lot in the past few months. They were the ones who scooped me up off the asphalt when I went splat. And they've been there to pick me up off the emotional asphalt as my personal life has been going splat quite a bit lately.

I made each of the girls -- and Michelle too -- scrap books with some of our running photos in it. Just reminding them what we've been through and giving us some inspiration for the future. In fact, both of them are thinking about joining me in my leukemia fundraising to make the trip to San Diego. You can't order up friends better than that.

Sunday -- Day 8. Christmas has made it a little easier to give gifts. And I've wondered if I'm cheating by doing this during the holidays. But I've decided I'm not. In fact, I've given more gifts than I've written about but have tried to pick the ones I've been giving with no sense that there would be something in return. I'm trying not to write just about those gifts given where I know I'm getting something back. And I'm trying to focus on the meaning behind the gifts ...

On Sunday, I was able to give gifts to the Lusters and my friend Sara. The Lusters are like family to me now and I was able to give them their presents as Linda and I spent the day baking cookies -- something I wasn't feeling strong enough emotionally to do by myself this year. It was a good day.

Today -- Day 9. I have said cookies in the car ready to take to a few people. Meeting up with a friend from the fire department for lunch to hand off my gift to him for all he does to help me all year.

The mad rush toward Christmas continues ...

In search of a gift ...

Day 4 of the giving challenge was a little hectic. I spent all day running around for stories and was battling a bunch of my sadness, trying to keep it from overflowing.

I have a ton of work to do. And I have a ton to do to get ready to go home next week. Presents need to be wrapped and packed. Presents need to be bought (though I think I'm pretty close to being done with that actually.) I'm trying to find the holiday spirit but not always doing so well. This morning, in fact, I've already snapped at several people after finding my police scanner exploded because people can't just leave my stuff on the desk. Breathe.

Anyway, I looked around all day thinking I would find someone to gift too ... but didn't have anything good present itself. A friend had given me a page from the latest Glamour that listed several ways to give this holiday season. So, about 10 p.m. (cutting it a little close) I got online to make a $10 donation to Feeding America. That $10 will provide 20 bags of groceries to needy families this season. They are trying to provide 3.3 million bags. Yikes!!! But it makes me feel good that I could help out. In fact, every time I've been able to give a gift, it does really give me a sense of peace in my own rocky world.

Check out the link for Feeding America http://feedingamerica.org/default.aspx

Went to a meeting last night where there was a lot of talk about gratitude. People have been telling me pretty frequently that I need to get angry and then I would feel better. But that path doesn't seem right to me. I don't want to be angry. I want to be happy and at peace. I know I'm going to be sad for awhile and that rocky times are still ahead with my dad's illness. But I want to be grateful, not angry.

So, today I'm going to try to remember what I have to be grateful for. I even had this thought this morning that a month after the breakup (today) that I'm grateful for this chance to learn more about myself. I actually feel thankful that this has opened up a space for me to look into what I need and what makes me happy. That's a gift in and of itself.

For today's Day 5 gift, I have some holiday presents for my bowling team members. Tonight is our last night bowling before the holidays. I've been in a bit of a slump this season -- bowling my worst ever -- so I'm hoping that will turn around tonight and get better as we start the second half of the season.

Day 3 -- Today I give with love

I love kids. And lately I've been having a lot of baby dreams and spent a whole week with Maria's new son, Press. Who is about the cutest little nephew I could ask for -- of course, Corey's sons are also cute nephews.

Anyway, today's gift goes to my niece Alaina. Sometimes I wish I lived a lot closer to home so I could see her more often. When she came to visit me last summer we got started on trying to make funny band names. She and I discovered we have a lot of the same tastes -- we love cupcakes, think the same things are funny and generally love on each other a ton. We ended up proclaiming ourselves the "Frankensteins of Awesomeness" because she said we seem to share a brain. : )

So, I saw a cute little holiday shirt while I was out shopping and immediately thought of her. I didn't want to wait to give it to her next week when I'm home so I dropped it in the mail today. Gift #3.

I'm finding that this process is helping me. I'm not saying I'm over my sadness over the break up or the other challenges life has handed me recently. But giving to others does have a way of lightening up my spirit. Some days are better than others, but I think in general I'm moving in the right direction.

Day 2 -- getting into the giving groove

I thought I had a plan for a gift today and then I went downstairs to head out to an assignment and I ran into one of my two friends who sits at the front desk.

I found out that Val's birthday was yesterday. Lately, Val has been a huge support to me as I navigate my heartbreak. She helped out with the Angel Tree giving and just generally makes me smile when I walk through the door.

So after getting a little pointed with some questions at a press conference, I made a stop at the flower shop down the street. I found a great little bouquet with roses and Christmas pine cones and evergreen. It was really great to bring Val some flowers as she is usually the one calling everyone else when these deliveries come for others. The smile on her face was all I needed.

It felt so good. And aside from being crazy busy and writing three stories today, I think I've overall had a better day. May try to hit the gym on the way home ....

Hidden gems

Healing isn't a fast process. I wish it could be.

But one thing is for sure, a baby can put a smile on my face like no one else. Spending a week with Maria and Press in New Orleans was just the break I needed. The baby loved on me unconditionally. Maria needed my help. And it was great to be needed.

Sadness is still a common emotion but I'm doing everything I can to work through it.

I've found a couple ways to do that I think.

First, I'm going to start training for a new marathon. This time I'm going to run with TEAM in Training and raise money for the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society. I'm aiming for the San Diego marathon on June 6. Anyone want to donate, let me know and I'll tell you how. I have to raise $2,900.

Second, I'm going to try something out of a book I just read called "29 Gifts: How a month of giving can change your life." The idea is that if you give freely, with intent, that you will be open to the riches around you. I consider myself a pretty open and giving person most of the time, but I don't think I make a real conscious effort to give every day. This book has inspired me to give it a try. The gifts don't have to be big or material even -- can be a phone call or a letter. Just given freely, without expectation and with intent.

So, I tried to start it today. I was at Michael's getting some crafting supplies for a couple of Christmas projects I need to finish. The lines were ridiculously long and of course, very few clerks. The lady behind me, laden with tacky glue and glitter, was getting huffy. She was not practicing being in the moment.
A clerk came up to an open register and motioned to me to come over and he would check me out. My gift for today was to let the huffy lady go first. I made a conscious choice that that could be a gift, even though I was pretty annoyed by all the waiting myself. Of course, being as huffy as she was, there was no thank you or anything. But that was ok. Because I actually felt really good about the gesture. Small gesture as it was. And I debated for awhile tonight on whether I should count that as my first gift. But I decided I should because this whole thing is not about the cost or the grandness of the gift, but the act of doing things for others.

So, I've started. Anyone want to join me and try it out? Want more information about the idea? Go to www.29gifts.org -- or grab the book at the nearest bookstore. It's out everywhere for the holidays.

Just keep me in mind and keep sending the good karma my way. The way I see it, if I can send some good karma out into the universe, some is bound to come back, right?

And I want to share this gem I picked up at an assignment tonight. I was at a memorial for children who have died and it was seriously sad -- just what I need. But I heard this quote while I was there and it meant a lot to me. So I share it with you.

"The world breaks us all. Afterward, some are stronger in the broken places." -- Hemingway.

One day at a time

Don't have a lot of time for a blog entry today but I'm trying to get back in the routine of writing so here it goes. The rollercoaster of my life continues to move forward but I feel like I've been coping with it a little better the last couple days.

I'm trying to put the focus back on myself. Yes, I'm terribly sad and disappointed that the bf has bailed out of my life. But this was his choice. Not mine. Doesn't mean I love him less, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I'm not so good in those situations that I can't control. But I'm starting to do some things that I should have been doing for myself all along.

I'm a pretty well-adjusted, self-aware person. But sometimes I don't take the time I need to make sure I'm doing things to care for myself. I'm trying to do that now.

It's frustrating when all of a sudden you are faced with an entire week off and you have absolutely no idea how to spend it. I keep thinking about the trips the bf and I were planning and missing that opportunity. I'm kind of paralyzed by picking a week to take off. I think I'm just going to pick one and hope for the best and I'll worry about what to do with it after Christmas.

But mostly, I'm just trying to do things that make me stronger. I went to a meeting last night and picked up a couple gems from it. That's a good thing. I need to keep asking myself "is it worth it?" when it comes to arguing or putting up a fight about something. I think I've gotten out of that habit. I'm continuing to remind myself how blessed I am with good friends and family who are standing by me and making sure I'm doing things for myself. And instead of trying to figure out all the reasons that things didn't work out, I just have to focus on what I'm learning and have already learned from the experience.

It's a good time for growth. Someday I'm sure it won't feel so exhausting to have been through this ... and I'll know what the gem of this whole experience has been.

NOTE on my dad: He had to have his gall bladder removed this morning, but he came through the surgery ok (based on my sister's report). So, we're hoping he can go home this weekend sometime. It will be nice for him to get home and stay there through Christmas. Fingers crossed.