Batter up

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball.

When I was in about the 6th grade I spent a few weeks one summer playing on a softball team. I don't know how it happened, this was the only time in my life that my mom enrolled me in a sports program -- outside of playing a couple seasons of soccer at my school. I used to wait for the pitcher to walk me. I very rarely swung at the ball. When my coach was pitching, he would tell me that I wasn't going to get walked so I might as well take a swing. I don't know why I was afraid of doing it. I must have been afraid to fail.

When I got my first job at a newspaper in Port Huron. I enthusiastically joined the softball team. We never had enough women and would often play one or two people short because of it. But each week I went and played. I was totally accident prone. I took a ball in the face once. Bruised my legs up ridiculously. The other teams started joking that they should bring ice for me, but I never quit.

For some reason these memories have come back to me today as life threw me an unexpected curve ball this week in the form of a little bit of heart break. Somehow these memories of softball seem to fit what I'm feeling today. And they are perfect examples of the extremes of my life.

Sometimes I'm totally afraid and paralyzed by that fear. Other times I just keep fighting through it until I come out ahead.

I think over the past couple of weeks I've been a bit paralyzed with fear. No one at work is happy these days. And that has plunged me into a fog of negativity here that I've been trying to battle with a constant stream of tunes from Pandora. Sometimes it works, others not so well.

I've been having a few relationship rough patches. I spiraled into a fog of seeing only the negative things about myself. I'm too controlling. I pick on people too much. I'm not skinny enough yet, but I'm also so skinny that my pants are sagging unattractively. I can't catch a break in my own eyes.

It's ironic actually. Because up until the past couple weeks I have been feeling great about myself. I'm so proud of what I've accomplished in the past few months. Seriously, 18 pounds is nothing to sneeze at losing. I've written some great stories. There were 18 front page ones in December alone. Seriously, that's kicking butt. I've made some progress on a book idea. I've finally bought the new computer and I'm ready to start writing down these silly children's stories. My friends are better than ever. I've cleared the cobwebs of past relationships from my mind. I met a great new guy. I've run (ok, intervals, but mostly run) the mini-marathon. I blew away my 10 Miler pace. I'm going to see Maria in New Orleans. There is a lot going for me.

Then the curveball.

Partially because of this spiral of negativity I've lost my connection to someone special -- someone that I really had come to depend on. I've let this negative viewpoint skew how I am. I've become really sensitive. I've become critical. I've become unwilling to admit when I'm wrong.

But regardless of whether or not I can restore that connection, this curveball has taught me a valuable lesson. And it was reinforced today when a co-worker's sister suddenly died at a very early age. Life is too short.

There is no point in standing around waiting for the perfect ball to swing at. No one is going to walk me through this life of mine. I have to get in the game again. I have to take charge of things for myself and start swinging again. I have to tell people I love them. I have to do things in spite of negative attitudes and constant naysayers. I have to believe in myself and all the things I have to offer. And I have to share it. Not with strings attached but freely and generously. Kill them with kindness. I might get hit in the face by a ball or have a nasty bruise along the way, but I just can't quit. There is no time for heartbreak and misery. Doesn't mean I won't feel a little sad, but I've got to use that to push me forward. There is positive in everything.

And that's what I'm going to focus on for now. I will be happier and so will the people around me.

I might get hit in the face by a ball or have a nasty bruise along the way, but I just can't quit.

Derby 2009

Wow am I exhausted. I love Derby so much. I have since I was 10 years old and spent my first Derby in the infield with my dad. But I forget how tired I get when working during Derby week.

This was a good week for me. I did sports stories practically every day for USA Today and even had a few sports bylines in the old C-J. And don't forget I'm the police reporter so I had to fire off a couple of things on my normal beat as well. But all in all, it was a good week. Very productive and fun to do something that isn't my normal job. But today I feel like I have a hangover and I haven't even had any alcohol since Friday. Really.

I just thought I would share a few of the highlights from my Derby week experience. They are in no particular order but stick out in my mind as some of the best memories of the week.

* Early mornings on the backside. As a reporter I've had the chance to go to a lot of places that some people never see. One of my favorites is the backside of Churchill Downs. Despite getting up to be at the track every day by 6:15 or 6:30 a.m., I look forward to being out at the barns when the horses are doing their works and the trainers are preparing for the big race. I have met so many nice people being on the backside. And it's kind of fun to watch the media circus that goes on back there. One of my favorites this year was meeting Chip Woolley, who ended up winning the Derby with a horse that no one thought had a shot. He was hobbling around on crutches all week and I said hi to him every time I saw him and interviewed him a couple times. I like to see nice people win.

* Media Party. Had a great time hanging out with my friends and my special fella. The best though was watching the little bro of the special fella whoop it up on the dance floor and make his rounds among some of the ladies who were out there. He was pretty smooth for a 21-year-old and he was loving every minute. I love watching such unadulterated fun.

* Betting Calvin Borel. I love that jockey. He is amazing to watch and the Derby ride was no exception. But I have to say a special thanks to him for riding Jazz in the Park to a win in the 5th race Derby day. His ride, on a 16 to 1 horse, coupled with my pick of Desert Wheat won me $120 bucks on the exacta. Yippee!!!

* Oaks Day. I love having the day off on Oaks. I especially love having the day off when a rainy day turns out to be a sunny day. I got to wear my cute dress and my hat. The Downs was draped in pink to celebrate breast cancer survivors and to raise awareness. My fella and his little bro were my escorts. And aside from the slight case of sunburn and not too many cashed tickets, we had a blast.

* Watching the Derby from the rail. Really, I've told you how I feel about Derby. And watching those horses thunder by gives me a thrill beyond belief. It was especially great this year as Marcus declared the 8 horse done as he went by in last place the first time only to be zooming toward the win as he came back around the second time in front of us. I was screaming. Marcus was screaming. It was great. And though I only put $2 to show on him, I put some money on him and cashed a ticket. $25.80 on a show bet. I only wish I'd put him in the exacta bet. Jeesh.

* Giving rides to strangers. Some things only happen at Derby. As a police reporter, I'm not normally prone to giving rides to people I've never met before. But something happened as I was walking out to meet the special fella, who was picking me up at 9:20 p.m. when I was finally leaving the Downs. This guy in a sport coat asked if they could get a cab over at the Downs. I said yes but they wouldn't want to do that because the line was 200 or 300 people deep. He asked if I could give him and his three buddies a lift. I asked to where. I knew the hotel and I knew I could go the back roads to get them there. I said, I don't know how my boyfriend will feel about me bring four guys over to the car, but we'll give it a shot. The only problem is that there were four of them and they all had to get into the backseat of my Honda Accord. Thank goodness I drive an Accord and not a Civic. They piled in and we had about the funniest 15-minute car ride of my life. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. And I have a pics to prove it.



All in all it was a great week. Even though I'm tired, I'm actually already looking forward to next year.