Thursday, April 23, 2009

Oh what a beautiful morning ...

This week I've been feeling really good in the mornings when I wake up and see the sun shining and realize that the flowers are in bloom and the breezes are getting warmer. It's a really nice feeling. This morning was no different. I'd only like it better if there was a blooming Lilac bush outside my bedroom window like there was when I was a kid. There's nothing I like more than the smell of fresh lilacs.

My coaches, Chris and Kara, issued a challenge this week to spread random acts of kindness. There's a competition ... but I'm not doing so well at it. Actually, that's not true. I've done several little things ... smiling at strangers, starting off someone's train in a cut-throat game of dominos, picking up stray trash blowing around. But nothing that I would put in the competition yet.

But it has gotten me thinking about how wonderful an unexpected kindness can be. For example, I went out to my car in the parking lot today and found a note from my friend Bill, who is really like family, telling me he loves me. It was a nice reminder. We all need to hear that more. Then this special fella that I've been seeing took the time to bring lunch to the park so we could eat together and soak up some sunshine.

It's really nice when you have unexpected joy in the middle of your day. It doesn't make the work go away ... trust me. I'm behind so I know. But it makes it a little more palatable.

So, I'm kind of passing on my coaches challenge to you guys ... do something nice for someone that they aren't expecting. Tell someone you love them. Give someone a sandwich when they are hungry. Think about doing things that have no reward to you ... and then the trick is that it does have a reward. You end up feeling pretty good and you've made someone else happy in the process.

Now, I'm still in search of some random kindnesses to perform myself.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Barbie outfitted ...

Last week I wrote a little something about Barbie ... I'm still kind of conflicted about laying down $47 for this plastic bombshell, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to make her mine.

See, here's the deal. I have a super-talented, crafty friend named Heidi. We tease her unmercifully about how she can whip up a meal with like two ingredients or pull off some really great gift with a few baubles and a hot glue gun.

Well, when I got home last Friday from an admittedly hectic day, I had a little gift sitting in front of my door. It was the kind of box that I love -- really small and with a cute little ribbon on it. You realize of course that the best things come in small packages.

Anyway, inside was all the accessories that I'd described on the blog that Barbie was missing. Heidi had made them all. There are flip-flops, betting tickets, a Racing Form, sunscreen and even a rain poncho. I'm not kidding. It was about the most awesome gift I've gotten in a long time.

So, I'm going to have to search out Barbie here in the next few days and bring her home for the festivities.

And this should also be a message that having great friends is the best gift ever. Heidi said the whole thing cost her only a little pocket change and some time honing her photoshop skills. But the thought was way more valuable than that.

Friday, April 17, 2009

And they're off...

Tomorrow's giant fireworks display over the Ohio River signifies the start of one of my favorite reasons to live in Louisville ... The Kentucky Derby.

It's one of the busiest times around here, especially for reporters. This year I'm even getting drafted to cover one of the smaller events that come along with a two-week festival. But I'm excited. Yes, every morning leading up to the race I will be getting up before dawn to head to the track and watch the horses work out. Yes, I will be busy, busy, busy writing stories for USA Today's sports page and the Courier-Journal. Yes, there will be a visit from my mom who is going to do the mini-marathon with me. And yes, by the end of it, I'll be pretty freaking exhausted.

But you won't hear me complain about it. I love the atmosphere here during this time of year.

As I look through my bosses office to his window (because my cube doesn't have one) I see the sun shining brightly. It promises to be a beautiful warm day. And it's mornings like this that make me feel really good.

I didn't make it to the gym this morning. After several nights of staying up too late and getting up really early, I decided I could sleep in a little and come in to work from home instead of trying to cram in a workout. And I will be hitting the park in the morning for about 6 miles before next week's mini.

When I woke up a lot of things were on my mind. Lately I've been kind of stewing over things. I want to know what will happen. I want to know what other people are thinking. I want to know what's going to happen with my job. I want to feel settled.

But what I decided when I got up this morning is that I know what I want in my life. And I know what I can't control. I think this has been a theme for me lately ...

I can only do so much. And all this worrying has taken a little of the fun out of things. I have no idea what's going to happen in the future. But worrying about it so much has kind of taken the fun out of just living my life.

And I was thinking this morning as I soaked up a little sun on my way into work that this is the best time of year to enjoy. So, I better get about enjoying it. And if people want to join me in the fun, great. If they don't, I'm sure I can manage.

Someone said to me recently that it seems like I'm making decisions about giving things up in my life. And I guess I can see how that might be ... I've been thinking about giving up my career in exchange for something new and possibly more stable. I've been thinking about giving up dating in favor of dating one particular cool guy that I've met. I've even been thinking about giving up some of my "stuff" in exchange for a more streamlined existence.

But I guess this morning I feel like none of that is about giving anything up. Sure, I'd have to say goodbye to some things. But really it's about gaining things and making my life even better.

It's about gaining new opportunities. Or taking a chance again on finding love and happiness with someone. Or making my home a more pleasant, less cluttered place to live. And the possibilities of what could come from all those things are just amazing and probably too numerous to even know.

Certainly just trying some new things could come with an unhappy ending or loss. But I can't worry about the worst case scenario. I've done that a lot in my life and I need to put out the positive vibes and go after what I want.

Today I'm focused on what I have to gain, not what I have to lose.

(It occurs to me that maybe nobody cares about these posts, but I have to say that they make me feel better. And I know that some of the friends who read them are key to helping me find my way so I'd like you know what's going on. I hope you don't find it obnoxious or boring to read.)

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Sharing one blog on another blog

I posted a blog on the CJ's Derby Fun site today that I thought I would share here. Here is the link -- http://www.courier-journal.com/blogs/news1/blog.html
But I'm also including the text here because it won't stay at the top of the blog for long.

Barbie dilemma

I wasn’t one of those girls who grew up playing with dolls. I’d rather put my nose in a book or watch The Muppet Show. My sister loved dolls and I just didn’t get it.

But there was one doll that was never allowed in our house — Barbie. My mom, a bit of a hippy, decided that Barbie wasn’t a very good role model for her two daughters. And we weren’t allowed to have them. I developed a strong dislike for the leggy blonde.

It was pretty tough when years later I had a half-sister who lived and died for her Barbies. She had the dream house, the mobile home, the airplane, a jeep and a host of other contraptions for Barbie to play in. Alex would often ask me why I never gave her Barbies for Christmas and birthdays, to which I would reply, “I hate Barbie.” Her inevitable reply would be to ask me if I would then be the Ken in whatever Barbie scenario she was acting out. She very nearly got me once when she spotted a Barbie in a University of Michigan cheerleader outfit … my alma mater. Still, I didn’t cave.

But when the news broke a couple of weeks ago that there was a new Derby Barbie doll. I once again was faced with a pretty serious Barbie dilemma. To buy or not to buy?

Here’s the thing: I love Derby. I have since I went to my first Derby where I spent the day in the Infield with my dad when I was in the 2nd grade. I might be one of the few reporters around here who actually looks forward to Derby week and being out at the track, instead of seeing it as a constant drain of time and energy.

So, this Barbie bedecked in her pretty floral dress, strappy sandals and wide-brimmed Derby hat is kind of appealing to me. I think it’s kind of a unique trinket to mark the Derby. And I’ve been struggling over the past couple weeks with the idea of getting one. I keep saying that it would be a great gift for my 8-year-old niece, who has no Barbie aversion. Wouldn’t it make me the cool aunt who lives hundreds of miles away in Kentucky? Though she’d probably prefer it if I sent her a horse.

I just got a look at the doll … and I will say she is missing some key accessories. She is wearing those heels, but we all know she will end up walking barefoot out of the track if she doesn’t pack some flip-flops. She doesn’t have any bets in her hands. She’s forgotten her sunscreen — or rain poncho. There’s no program for her to review her horses.

Still, that little girl inside me who never played with dolls still thinks it might be kind of cool to bring this doll home — and maybe keep it for myself.

— Jessie Halladay, Courier-Journal reporter

Monday, April 13, 2009

Running on a dream

It was a rough week last week ... contentious condo meetings, contentious work situations, boys (need I say more on that one?) Anyway, it was rough and I had one of my famous meltdowns -- you know the kind, things spiral around in your brain until all you can do is cry it out and then have puffy eyes for a couple days.

But things started making a turn around by Friday night when I set off with some friends to see Death Cab for Cutie at the Palace. It was an awesome show. Some of the lyrics swirled around in my head and hit just the right note with me. And then I was treated to a really funny display of drunken/stoned/tripping concert behavior by a couple girls who were way into each other. It was some of the funniest behavior I've witnessed in awhile. I thought for a moment they'd been hired as interpretive dancers. Awesome.

But I was still a little out of sorts as I got up super early to head for the Papa Johns 10 Miler. My stomach was in knots, which happens sometimes for me before a big race. But I was alone in my car. My friends were late and I resolved I was going to likely be doing this one alone.

Then I spotted Denise and Maggie -- boot camp buddies of mine. And I decided I was going to stick with them and attempt to do the interval run they were embarking on. I've only done this once and made it 3.5 miles. So it was going to be a challenge ... but I rocked it. I can't thank Denise and Maggie enough for all their encouragement and support. We finished the thing hand in hand in just 2 hours 11 minutes. I looked at my watch at 6 miles and realized I was at my 5 mile time and just about lost it in tears. But I didn't and we pushed forward. And our coaches were there at the end to film us crossing the finish line. It was amazing. Aside from the feeling like I just wanted to throw up, which I didn't do. (Photo is some of my other buddies, Kerri, Kat, Heidi and Matt after they all finished.)

The whole experience was just what I needed in my life at the moment.

Here's the thing: I spend a lot of my time worrying about other people. I want my bosses to love what I do and say thank you for it. I want boys to like me. I want the condo residents to get along. I want to achieve and get approval.

All that wanting takes a lot of energy. Sometimes I don't have it. And sometimes I get lost in the process. Over the past several months I have been so happy with my life and have made amazing strides in enjoying the little moments. I've been putting myself first as I make exercise and fun a priority in my life, trying not to over do it at work.

For a couple days last week, I lost my way. My confidence was shaken. I was not the center of my life.

Running 10 miles seemed pretty ridiculous to me at one point. And there were a couple times when I thought, I can't do this for 26 miles in October. But then I remembered I was doing it for 10 with very little practice at it. So, with some dedicated training it'll be no problem.

That race put the focus back on me. And it feels good. My natural urge is to apologize for this ... but you know what? I'm not sorry. I have to live with myself everyday. And I want to like who I"m dealing with.

So, I've got the earphones on and I'm tuning out the corporate drama to focus on the story at hand. I'm not listening to the voices that all think they know what's best for me. Only one voice matters -- mine.

And I think it's going to be great. Because if I focus on what I need, I can make everyone around me happier than if I was trying to kill myself to make them happy.

It's a brand new week. A renewed outlook. And Derby is just around the corner. What could be better than that?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Spring fever...

It's hard to put my finger on why, but lately it's been a little hard to corral some enthusiasm.

Maybe it's the sunshine rays filtering through my boss's office and make their way to my little cubicle. It's like they are taunting me to come outside and play.

Maybe it's the relentless grumpiness that seems to have engulfed all my co-workers of late. One of them kind of grumbled at me as I made an attempt at friendliness this morning and dared to say hello to him.

Or maybe it's the prospect of another furlough week and a salary freeze that has stagnated my enthusiasm to work harder. Or I could just be paralyzed with the length of the list that continues to grow with story ideas.

But this morning's favorite theory is Spring Fever. I want to be outside. I want to be sipping iced tea and reading a book at the corner of Bardstown Road and Eastern Parkway, occasionally looking up to watch the people go by. I want to be walking through the park, looking the budding redbud trees.

I want to be outside so much that I find myself wishing for the scanner to inform me of a good "working fire" or a call out to a crime scene. That's a little sick. I know but my need for an adrenaline rush and a dose of sunshine is getting out of control.

I'm trying to find my center again. I'm trying to get myself back in the game. And I keep reminding myself that it's not about whatever corporate bs is going on in the newsroom at any given time. I don't have to worry about whether or not co-workers are getting preferential treatment on the vacation schedule. I have to let that stuff go.

I need to find my joy in places I don't normally look. I need to be happy with the compliments I get from unlikely sources. I need to revel in meeting the new people who are opening my eyes to new and exciting possibilities.

I had a good one of these moments this week as I watched two beautiful young Burundi girls make their way through security at the airport, bound for Australia where they will be reunited with their older sister. When I met these girls last October, they were quiet, shocked girls who had just lost their mother -- a victim of a hit and run driver.

It wasn't entirely clear what would happen to these newly orphaned refugees. Apparently my story had an impact and many people came forward to help them with donations and offers of support. Eventually the system worked and they got permission to go to Australia to live with one of their only living relatives.

People kept thanking me for the story I had written before. Telling me it made a difference. I think I'd forgotten that was possible. It was nice to be reminded that it is.

I'm hoping this lesson from these two young girls will help me find some focus and enthusiasm for what I do again. I can't stop thinking about them and how they touched my life.

Still, the sunshine looks so inviting ....