Monday, December 6, 2010

Good karma begets good karma ...

Last night I was lamenting the fact that Sundays always seem to come to an end too quickly and then you must face the cold, bitter reality of Monday.

Then this morning when I woke up I was faced with an actually bitter cold Monday, which did not encourage me to jump right out of bed and head to the gym despite the fact that I had already packed a bag to take with me.

Still, I left home feeling like today could be a good day. I'm not exactly sure why because all the signs were pointing in a different direction -- long hearing, lots of work to do, no workout this morning -- still I felt positive.

And you know what? I was right.
Got to the hearing and it was a moot point as the charges were dropped. Got to work and one fire after another started building up, but still managed to get through it despite the aggravations.

Dropped off my Angel Tree bags and a gift card to the Center for Women and Families so that some other people can have a wonderful Christmas holiday this year. And that always makes me feel good.

And while all the mania at work was going on, some flowers arrived from someone trying to remind me that I'm great and wishing me a good week. I LOVE when that happens. Surprises are the best, especially the kind that are aimed at making you feel better when life seems a little overwhelming.

Anyway, I think it was a good lesson in if you expect good things, good things will happen. I always talk about this, but sometimes I forget to believe it.

So, there may be several things I'd still like to happen in my life -- like my condo selling -- I know that all those things will happen exactly when they are supposed to. I know that because I believe it. And for today, I really, really believe it.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Boys, this is stupid...

So, I was reading this piece in the New York Times the other day. (I will take a moment to pause and say that I really heart the NYT.) It was yet another story about how the age of female empowerment is making it tough on those same empowered females to find romance.

Really? I've never heard this before. Since I was in high school lamenting about the lack of boys asking me on dates, I've heard this same refrain about how intimidating I am. It gets a little old actually. I mean, I've always wondered what I'm supposed to do about that. Am I supposed to pretend I don't have ideas? Am I supposed to pretend I don't live on my own, pay my own mortgage, take out my own garbage, etc? Am I supposed to giggle ridiculously at stupid jokes just so a guy thinks I like him?

I mean, really. I'm not so independent that I wouldn't be thrilled to let someone else take out the garbage or balance the checkbook. If he's funny, I will laugh and it will probably be a good belly laugh, not a piercing annoying giggle. I like it when a guy opens the door for me and I don't mind him picking up the check. I'm not one of those women who can't be taken care of or girly. Jeesh, but if I don't take care of myself, exactly who is going to do it?

This article talks about how much harder it is for women in their 30s who have become successful to find men. No kidding. At 37, I think I'm acutely aware by now how difficult dating can be. But I also subscribe to the state of thought that if I have to act like a different person to meet a guy who I can date, what exactly would be the point of that? At this stage in my life, I am actually really happy with who I am. I'm not inflexible and I could certainly adapt to someone else's quirks, but I've worked really hard to be where I am now and I don't think there's any reason to try to hide that.

Really the reason I'm writing about this article is that I found it really encouraging because there were some women in the story who have found men who are perfectly ok with successful women. It just reaffirms what I've always believed -- that if you just go for what you want, eventually someone will come along who appreciates you for it and wants to share the ride. Ok, so I haven't found that guy for myself yet, but I suspect he's out there somewhere.

See, I told you I'd start writing more. Feels good.

Monday, November 29, 2010

I haven't been writing much ...

Ok, so it's not exactly true that I haven't been writing. I'm still writing every day for the C-J -- and it seems like there is always more to write about. But I haven't been writing for myself in a long time. So, I'm going to try to get back on the wagon. I think it would be a good way for me to get some of my creative juices flowing again.

I've been trying to think of things to get myself excited about. Lately, it's felt like mostly I'm just juggling and trying to keep the balls from crashing to the ground. So, I'm going to try to come up with some little mini-adventures. They could be simple things -- dinner with a friend, reading a new book, anything. The possibilities are endless. I'm going to try to keep my mind on the positives and what I'm doing that reaches beyond myself.

Maybe it's something about the new year looming -- if anyone can tell me how we got to that point again so soon please let me know. But I want to try to keep myself thinking beyond the murder and mayhem that is my everyday writing exercise.

Last year was a rough one ... and this year is all about being kind to myself and doing some things that push me out of my comfort zone.

So, I'm throwing down my own gauntlet. Adventure suggestions welcome ... and I hope that I will amuse you or inspire you a bit along the way.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

In search of the positive...

"All progress starts with a seed of self-appreciation."

I came across this in one of my daily readings this week and it has really stuck with me. Lately, it's been kind of a challenge for me to find the self-appreciation.

I'm not sure this is an uncommon affliction, but I have long-struggled with finding the positives about myself. It's a lot easier for me to beat up on myself and push myself ever harder to reach whatever the goal of the moment is. To tell myself I'm not worthy of something rather than that I'm an amazing person who brings a lot to the world. (I do know these things, but not always in the front of my brain.)

Take my marathon in San Diego ... I ran it. I finished it in less than six hours. I never gave up even when I was running alone. I tried to soak in the scenery as much as possible. But I was still a bit disappointed. My chip time said I'd run 2.5 minutes slower than I'd done in San Francisco, with an injury. Never mind that my satellite-based Garmin said I did all that with an extra .4 miles with all the dodging among people and searching for flat ground on the interstate I did. Never mind that the sun started beating down on me well before I thought it would -- on this day I did not get the benefit of the early cloud cover that San Diego is known for in June. Never mind that I spent a lot of time thinking about the reason I was running this race -- my father's illness and struggle to be well. It was emotional. Never mind that I raised more than $5,000 to fight leukemia in order to run the race. Even with all those logical reasons for not having a record-setting day and the amazing way I felt after even, I was still disappointed in myself.

It's taken me awhile to shake it. This whole week, I've been trying to reframe my thinking. Trying to find my successes instead of my perceived failures.

I made a list of all the things in my life that I can't control, even though I want desperately to control them. I'm letting them go. I will not make my boss be interested in what I'm working on. Can't make that happen. I will not sell the condo before its time so I can buy a house. Can't force someone to make an offer. I cannot figure out when a guy is interested or not ... just have to roll with that and besides I'd already decided I didn't need to be dating.

It's a struggle. And it's sometimes hard to stay positive when you have to run out two hours before your long weekend starts to cover a stabbing death and then learn about a kid dying at a daycare earlier in the day. How can you be positive in the face of such ugliness?

I guess my answer is I don't have any other choice. I continue to try to put the positive spin on things. I keep repeating things to myself -- "The condo will sell." "At least my story is good, even if they are holding it/not reading it/insert bad work thing here." "I'm so lucky to have friends that make me laugh/listen when I'm whiny/who are looking forward to seeing me."

And the one my father keeps saying, which inspires me in the face of all he's dealing with. "This too shall pass."

Not sure where all this is going but felt I needed to get some of these thoughts out on paper. My resolve for now is to be happy where I am instead of worrying about where I'm going to be. I'm going to revel in the moment as much as possible. That's a good place to start I think.

Happy 4th and thanks for letting me get it out.

And a quick update on my dad: He is home from the hospital and doing much better, though he still has down days. He was in the hospital for 46 days for a bone marrow transplate. He came home for a few days, when I was able to see him and give him my marathon medal, and then he was back in for about 10 days. But now he's home again and hopefully staying there. Still a long road to recovery so keep the prayers coming and thanks for that.

Jess

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Where does the time go?

This morning I got here at 6 a.m. for the dreaded morning shift duties and for some reason I looked up at the quote board in front of my desk. This is the place where my colleagues and I immortalize some of our funniest or most outlandish sayings so that we can remember them. Mine tend to be those things you say in the heat of the moment and didn't think too much about.

But back to my point. As I looked at one of the quotes I noticed it was from May 2008. Seriously? I remember saying it (it has something to do with assaulting an editor -- all in fun of course). But how could it have been two years ago?

Lately it seems like my life is on fast forward. And as it gets imminently closer to my birthday, I'm having that feeling on overdrive. Now, I'm not freaking out about turning 37 -- I mean not a total freak out as can happen on odd-year birthdays for me. But I do find myself wondering how I got to this point in my life so quickly.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm actually pretty happy with where I am. Sure, when I pictured my life 10 years ago, I didn't expect that I would have stayed in one place for nearly 7 years -- or that I would be selling my condo and looking for houses, which basically indicates I have no plans to leave Louisville. Shocker.

I certainly didn't imagine that at 37 I'd still be trying to navigate the singles scene. I mean I am a fantastic catch -- please spread the word about that to your single male (straight) friends in their mid-30s to early 40s. I'm serious about that. But after a very painful breakup and another stab at dating, I realize that I'm ok with this and that eventually the right person will come along. And in the meantime, I'm learning so much about other people and myself. And I'm being honest about what I'm looking for.

I didn't imagine that my father would be in the hospital, post stem cell transplant. He's hanging in there but it's been a very rough road for him. We're still waiting for his white cell counts to start going up and pretty much the only thing that makes him feel better is popsicles. (This by the way is my niece Alaina's answer to being sick -- eat popsicles and ice cream.)

And I never thought that I would have turned into a marathoner. I think it's safe to say that as I prepare for my second marathon in less than a year that I've become a marathoner, especially since I'm already signed up to do the Chicago marathon on Oct. 10. It's hard to believe that in just over a week I'll be at the starting line of the San Diego marathon. And on top of all the training, I was able to raise (with much generous support) more than $5,400 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team in Training. Not to brag, but I was the top fundraiser on my local team, with Maggie a close second also going over $5,000. That's more than $10,000 by Team Doug!!!! So, thanks for that.

I guess my point is that time flies. And as I start to do that annual assessment that inevitably comes with each of my birthdays -- I have a lot of blessings to count. While I could sit around and think about the negatives -- because there are plenty of those -- I'm proud of myself that at this point in my life, I chose to count the positives. I'm grateful for all those painful things of the past six months or so because they have really taught me a lot and ultimately made me stronger.
And I'm grateful for all the people in my life who have helped me get through this time. I've met some new friends. I've gotten closer to old friends. And even those people who have fallen out of my life lately, I still hold them in a special place in my heart and carry the lessons I learned from them no matter how painful the separation has been.

So, Happy Birthday to me. By this time next year (which will be here in an instant) I will have a new house, hopefully some new friends, maybe even a special guy, another couple marathons under my belt, more great stories, and who knows what else -- the possibilities are endless.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Running down a dream...

Saturday was another great run for me. I didn't set out on this marathon training to hit new personal records in each race, but it seems to be happening. I wasn't as fast in this 10 miler as the first two shorter races, but that was by design. I averaged 12.5 minute miles to finish in 2 hours and 5 minutes. That's five minutes less time than last year's race. And it was in the middle of a windy day, with a rainstorm in the middle. It felt really good though. And we did about 3 miles to start before the race.

It's an amazing feeling to push yourself beyond what you thought possible. And so far the pain in the knee is manageable. I'm staying on top of it and keeping myself stretched and doctored up. I think it helps to not run as many hills too.

But today I'm starting to feel it a bit. I have to run six in the morning, but as I sit here tonight, I'm exhausted. I feel the muscles aching. I just want to curl up on my couch and have someone bring me food and drink. But I'm going to head home (hopefully soon if the editors can focus long enough to finish my story) and slug up and down the steps to do laundry and figure out my own dinner situation.

It's ok. This is my life. I take care of myself and rely on the support of friends and family to keep encouraging me that I'm doing the right things. I really rely on that support. I'm counting on the kind words of encouragement. And sometimes they come from the unlikeliest of places. Today a co-worker -- someone I don't talk to or see that often -- came up to me and handed me $50 to give to the walk. It was great. And what was even better is that he was totally interested in what I'm doing and encouraging about it.

I never thought I'd be able to raise more than $4,000 in three months -- and more coming with fundraisers still planned and other donations still coming in. I never thought I'd be this ok with being on my own again. But the truth is, I'm happy with who I am. I would love to have someone to share it with -- but I'm ok with myself.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Spring has sprung

As I get older, time just seems to speed up. I've been thinking that I owe myself (and anyone who reads this) a blog entry. But every day seems to end without one getting written. But, when I realized the last time I posted was nearly two months ago, I couldn't believe it.

So here we go. I'm going to try to get back in the blogging routine. I'm no less busy, probably more so these days. But I'm going to try for at least once a week. We'll see how it goes.

These past two months have flown by ... filled with life lessons, laughter, tears and a whole bunch of monotonous work in between. Someday -- hopefully April 11 -- you guys will be able to read the series of stories that have occupied much of my time over the past couple months. I'm not giving away much, but I'm very proud of them. I hope you will enjoy them.

I feel happier than I have in a long time, which is a weird feeling because it continues to mingle with a lot of anxiety and worry in my life too. But it's to be expected. Mostly I just feel an overwhelming sense of pride in myself that I've been able to manage all the daily stuff while keeping some fun in my life. There are a lot of things that could have sidelined me into an abyss of sadness and depression -- but it hasn't happened that way. It's a major accomplishment actually.

I've been running -- 15 miles logged so far this week with a big race and extra miles slated for Saturday. Woo-hoo. The fundraising has been amazing. So many thanks to give out to my friends ... and there are thank you cards in the works too.

Derby is quickly approaching and that is always great fun coupled with a lot of work.

It's just one of my favorite times of the year. This morning as I ran, I couldn't help noticing the daffodils on the side of the path. The buds springing up on the trees. The smell of spring in the air. It always makes me hopeful. That feeling is growing inside of me that good things are coming.

But part of what I realized today is that there are good things now ... not just those that await me. I could be sad that I don't have someone to go home to after a day of writing about a kid shot while playing with a gun with his brother. Or I can be grateful that I had a friend willing to go to dinner with me and let me debrief about it. I could be sad that my dad is starting chemo again next week in anticipation of his bone marrow transplant. Or I can be grateful that he's found an anonymous 23-year-old donor who is giving him a shot at a cure.

These are my choices. I choose gratitude. It's a much healthier, happier way to deal with things. It's the way Spring itself would handle it I think.

And it's amazing how when you choose this path, the universe (God, whatever you believe in) brings so much wonderful stuff into your life. In the past couple months, I've had full friendships and met new people I hope will become strong friends. I've won an award from my company -- for a story I pushed and worked my butt off to get (along with Marcus). I've gotten some freelance work. I've planned my trip to San Diego for the marathon .... lots of great stuff and some really small victories too.

Anyway ... that's probably enough for now. Feels good to be back at the blog game. : ) Enjoy the sunshine.

Friday, February 5, 2010

My kind of town... Chicago is.

I have been completely overwhelmed in the past few days --- actually, I write that and think it has actually been much longer than that. I'm completely overwhelmed ... period.

Work has been insane. I've had a ton of great stories. I'm staying on the front page and keeping myself really busy digging into all kinds of corruption and bad deeds. Had a heartbreaking story last week about a man charged with killing his 7-week old son ... and found he'd already been to prison for killing his 5-week old son about 18 years ago. Awful.

Continue to chase down fire chiefs and public housing property managers. And I'm finally getting pulled off all daily responsibilities in order to work on a story I've wanted to tell for a long time. I'm super excited about it but completely overwhelmed about the amount of work and the insane deadlines they've given me on it.

I kept up with all my runs this past week ... logging a total of 7 so far this week. We're supposed to do four in the morning, but the forecast is calling for snow so I don't know how that will turn out. If not tomorrow, maybe I can get in a run on Sunday. We'll just have to see what Mother Nature decides. Right now she's not doing the runners of TEAM in Training any favors.

Speaking of running, I totally got inspired and registered myself for the Chicago marathon -- to be run on 10/10/10 in one of my favorite cities -- thus the title of the blog. It gives me an excuse to visit all my girls there ... which I hope to do in March as well as I take the little sis on some college visits. If I think about that too long I feel really old thinking about my baby sister being old enough to start thinking about college. Yikes. Moving on.

Dad went home this week so that is great news. Haven't had much communication with him, but I'm told he's doing better.

My heart still aches but the pain is getting a little less with each passing week. I feel a lot better about prospects and feel more positive more often. I'm pretty sure there is someone out there who will figure out that I'm quite a catch. It still stings to feel rejected by someone you spent so much of your time loving. I still pray every day for him that he will find happiness for himself. I wish I could have been a part of that, but he didn't want me too. And that really has very little to do with me.

In the meantime, I'm not letting any grass grow under my feet. There are so many positive things coming up for me. And I'm just trying to figure out how to manage them all. I've been sewing, working on some quilting projects. I'm running. I'm fundraising. I'm going to dinner with friends. I'm bowling (though still not well.) And I'm learning how to let myself settle down and be alone too. That's the most important one.

Sorry, just had a little wave of sadness spread over me there for a bit. But I'm mostly feeling good and staying positive ... I can feel how much I've grown over the past several weeks. It's a good thing. But change is hard.

Remember ... San Diego in June or Chicago in October. Plenty of chances to come cheer me on ... or just keep the cheerleading coming in between too.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Come Monday, it will be alright ...

I'm going to chalk last week up to being one of the worst I've had in a very long time, and that's saying a lot given the kind of weeks I've had recently.

But things might just be turning around a bit ... at least that's the way I'm going to look at it.

I was able to talk to my dad on the phone for the first time in over a week. That in and of itself is a miracle given how sick he was last week -- causing my impromptu travel home. It's a miracle we didn't lose him. So though his voice sounds weak and he's obviously got a long way to go, things are improving. He doesn't even remember me being home but it's a choice I would make again in a heartbeat.

I can't really explain the trauma the whole experience caused me and how completely lost I've felt as a result of it. All I can say is that it is totally life changing.

I really appreciate all the prayers that have been sent my way and for my dad as well. I believe it can work and does. But I've been in such a pit of bad energy over the last couple of days that just simply has to change. It's really hard to bear the weight of all this stuff, but I know I can do it. I feel, even in my weakness, how strong I am. And I have great people in my life to support me along the way.

And it seems like in times like these you really see people for who they are ... it's amazing sometimes how focused we all get on our own lives that we don't stop to think about what other people are going through. We all have stuff ... and I hope that even in the midst of this in my life, I'm still taking time to check on others and see if they are doing ok.

So, my goal for this week is to avoid the passive aggressive behavior that some folks thrive on -- and I'm not always exempt from that -- and not get caught up in the drama of those folks. I want to focus on what I need to get done, be compassionate to others as I'm taking care of myself and to find something to enjoy.

I hope you all have a good week and that I can exhibit some peace and grace in the craziness that is my life at the moment.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Falling behind ...

I just wanted to put something up quickly to give you all the latest update on what's going on with me. I had great intentions of writing a final blog to finish up my 29 gifts -- which I did complete on Jan 10 thanks to a night at the movies with friends and a salad taken to a cards night with other friends. It was a great experience that I may try to repeat sometime in the future.

Then I was going to update you on my efforts to write more letters and get one out each week. I sent the first one in a card to my dad. But I missed the second week because of some downturns with my father.

On Sunday, I rushed home to Detroit after my father went into the hospital Saturday due to some complications from his last round of chemo. I decided I better go home after my sister called to tell me he'd been put on a ventilator early Sunday and was considered critical. I didn't realize then how bad things really were. I think we're lucky we didn't lose him on Saturday actually.

Basically, he went into septic shock. Had dangerously low blood pressure and was having trouble getting oxygen to his system. He has a couple of nasty infections, which isn't good since he has absolutely no immune system thanks to the chemo blasts. I spent the past couple days mostly at the hospital and with family. He's been sedated the whole time. I hope he knows I was there, but I don't really know if he did or not.

He is showing some signs of improvement as his blood pressure is stabilized and he spent a lot of time yesterday breathing with minimal help from the vent. With that, I decided to get on my plane back to Louisville, despite not seeing him wake up. But he was showing some signs of movement and coming off the sedation so I'm hopeful he will be more alert today and that the vent can come out soon.

He's definitely turned a corner but is not out of the woods yet. He's going to be in the hospital for awhile I think but I don't really know what the next steps are. We've just been trying to get him out of the most severe danger.

It's been a pretty awful few days and being back at work doesn't feel great either though it gives me something else to think about. I realize I have a lot of great friends and people in my life who support me. I believe in the power of prayer and positive energy so I appreciate all that is being sent our way. I only ask that you keep it coming.

I hope you'll understand if I'm a little out of it for the moment. It's been very emotional and really makes me think about a lot of things in my life. I'm trying to be positive, but not always succeeding too well. I'm not sure when I'll have to go back to Detroit, but feel like I have to be prepared for anything at any time.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks and give you all an update in the most succinct way possible. Sorry if I'm not returning every call or text message ... but I know you understand.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Cold, bitter morning

Working the morning shift this morning so I'm up way too early. And I feel like either my allergies are going crazy or I'm actually on the brink of a cold. Either way, not fun. But I'm chugging the Emergen-C and drinking hot tea to cope.

Getting close to the end of the giving challenge. Trying to think of a good way to end it ... and really I think I'll continue to do it on some level. I want to be mindful of the gifts I'm giving and try to give them regularly and acknowledge them. I don't think I'll commit to doing it every day, but definitely want to keep the spirit going.

Day 25: Was really hoping to find a good gift and I got one. I asked a friend if she wanted to go to lunch and it turns out she was having a pretty bad morning. So, I scooped her up and whisked her out of the building and bought her lunch, which was just what she needed. I like these gifts where really the gift is the time together. I might have bought the lunch, but it was really the time that mattered the most.

Day 26: Today I put in my first donation to the Leukemia Lymphoma Society -- toward my marathon in San Diego. I was able to turn in $1,000 -- including $50 from myself. It feels really good. I'm hoping to be done with my fundraising early so that I can help Maggie and Denise with theirs and not have to worry about it. But instead, I can just focus on the training, which I'm sure it going to be challenging even if I stay healthy. It's really hard to train outside in the winter because I'm really not trying to run on ice and fall again. One fall is enough for me.

Only three days left of the challenge. I'm on the lookout for today's gift.

I'm just putting one foot in front of the other. I'm trying to work on my patience. I know all kinds of great things are in store for me ... I really honestly believe it. But I've been struggling this week to feel that strongly. Someone told me recently that you can't get the things you want unless you really believe they are possible. But I've been wondering this week if that means you're not supposed to have any doubts. I figure even the best of us have doubts so that must be part of the equation.

But I do honestly know that all the dreams I have will come true. I'm not sure when, but I know they are coming. Just one step at a time.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Fake it til you make it ...

Day 23: Monday -- Maybe this doesn't count or is considered cheating but yesterday I gave myself a gift. Not a new pair of shoes or something really nice. But I gave myself two hours of watching bad television and taking down the Christmas decorations. It had to be done. And the only way that I could really talk myself into it was if I thought of it as a gift of getting my life in order.

I feel like maybe I haven't done a very good job with this 29 gifts challenge ... I mean I have been so busy it's been hard to think of things some days. Honestly, some days it's just been plain hard.

Started my day off today in tears and in a meeting with the bosses. I'm not enjoying the work situation at the moment. I have so many good stories that it is really hard to manage. That might seem like a good problem to have but it's very stressful and overwhelming because I don't feel like I'm managing any of them well. I don't know how to snap out of this one.

Sometimes I feel so sad but I feel like I'm trying to just put on a happy face and kind of fake it until I make it. I don't know if I'm crossing over into the category of stuffing my emotions or just trying to make the best of it. I feel like there are so many things weighing on me. I know I miss Ben, but I think I really miss the support and comfort of having a relationship. You know, someone who can say to me -- "I'll help you with the laundry or the dinner or the whatever." I've just been running myself around for the past several weeks trying to keep myself busy and occupied ... pushing myself into a routine that might help me come out of all this trauma in my life. It's not easy. I'm ready to just stop and rest. But I'm so afraid to do that because when I give myself that quiet, I'm just sad. It's getting better ... but it's not easy. As much as I love all my friends, it's hard to be the single one. It's hard to put on a happy face and try to focus on all the positives all the time. Sometimes I just feel like the stress is just weighing me down. I think that's why my shoulder has been in pretty bad pain for the past three weeks.

But the alternative isn't great either. I guess it's better to just keep plugging on ahead and keeping that smile on my face. I'm pushing myself to meet new people or connect with folks that I've always found interesting but didn't try to spend time with. I'm trying to increase the social circle. I'm gearing up for another round of marathon training. It's a lot on my plate. But when I think about it, I've always been this way. I've always been one to stay busy. And I am trying to do what's best for me.

Day 24: Today -- got online and tried this site, care2.org. You get on there and read things and make comments, sign petitions and it's all about earth healthy, green living, positive things. And you earn points by your actions on there. And then you turn the points into actions. So, I gave back a pound of carbon emissions on the site. I'm not sure how that actually works ... but I think it's good to stop and think about the carbon we put into the air and how it impacts the earth. So, it was a decent gift. Kinda ran out of steam today on the giving because I was so beaten down early in the day. But I hung out with good friends tonight and kicked off the new season of The Biggest Loser with them, so that helped my spirits.

Want to try to make it to the gym tomorrow.

And it was cool today because I was reminded how our own efforts to help ourselves put positive energy out there influence others. My yoga teacher, Nicole, told our class today that she's been inspired by my blog and started her own blog. She was talking about some yoga principles of giving and how putting our energy out there for others attracts good things into our lives. It's not just about how "you have to love yourself first" -- but it's about how we have to be able to share that love that attracts more love into our lives. I really believe that. I do love myself. But I have to be willing to keep sharing myself -- putting myself out there -- in order to get more love back.

Thanks for letting me work this out through the blog today -- maybe the answer is that I am tired and worn down and finding it harder to give and love. But if I just keep doing it, the returns will be great.

Monday, January 4, 2010

New year ...

When I walked in to work this morning I faced a startling revelation ... just because it's a new year doesn't mean anything at work has changed magically. I think part of my problem is that I woke up with a raging sinus headache that really hasn't subsided throughout the day. It's a bit frustrating actually. I'm actually considering giving the Neti Pot a try, which is a big step as I've resisted the idea of sniffing water up my nose for a very long time. I seriously hate that sensation. But ... this headache sucks. But I'm hoping it's just sinuses and not a full on cold, which I fear it could be.

The giving ... it continues.

Day 19: New Year's Eve. Got out of work early a bit and spent some time with Sarah who is in town from LA and agreed to be my date for the evening. Got home and found a really nice note from someone I thought I'd lost touch with ... made me feel pretty good to know that I have her support even when I thought I might not given the breakup. Had a great time having dinner with friends and managed not to feel at all bad that I'd found myself single on New Year's Eve once again. Honestly, that's been the case most of my life so why start being really upset about it now. My gift for the day was a small donation to www.dinnergarden.org, which provides seeds to families so they can grow their own food. I really like the idea of it and thought it would be a good hopeful way to end the year thinking that maybe we could have fewer Americans going hungry this year.

Day 20: Friday -- Kept myself really busy this weekend. Went to brunch at a friends and saw two movies on Friday. My gift for the day was snacks for the Lusters when we went to see Invictus. Linda and Bill have been hugely helpful to me and always manage to be there to support me when I'm going through the good and bad times. It was just a small gesture that can't express how I really feel about them.

Day 21: Went for my first training run with TEAM in Training. Got a call at 7 a.m. that it was only 14 degrees and my other running partners didn't want to be out in that brutal of a chill. But for myself, I decided I needed to go. I couldn't miss the first training. So, I went and met Jere and we did just 4 miles. I tested out the new Garmin GPS watch my dad got me for Christmas and it was totally awesome. I do look kind of hard core sporting two watches and beeping constantly to keep up with my intervals. My lungs were burning with the cold air, but it felt really good. I'm going to get the whole training regimen sketched out here soon and will feel good to have a goal and hope the endorphins will help me out.

Denise and I went in search of a guitar for my brand new Wii ... and we found one and a set of drums which I got for a steal. And then we headed to Swag's to check out running gear. I was able to buy my gift of the day for Denise -- a 26.2 sticker for her car. Denise and I trained together for fall marathons and now she is joining Team in training to support me and may dad. And she plans to run the Louisville Derby marathon and Chicago (which I'm also planning on.) She gives me a lot of inspiration -- but I"m not jumping on the Derby marathon bandwagon. Two in one year is going to be enough for me.

Also had a great gathering at my house Saturday night and got to see a lot of friends and start the new year off with a little joy in my house. It was a lot of fun.

Day 22: Sunday. So, I started feeling the post-holiday blues a bit on Sunday. I don't know why but I think all the holiday activity started to catch up with me ... and the emotions too. I tried really hard to keep myself busy all day ... probably too busy. I'm going to have to find a way to slow it down and relax a little too.

The highlight of my day also was my gift for the day -- I picked up Elise and we headed to the movies to see the Princess and the Frog. She was pretty doggone excited. It was great to see that kind of 7-year-old enthusiasm. And it was a good movie too. And I was able to give her the Christmas presents I got her, which were well received. But the biggest gift was just the time together which to be fair was as big a gift for me as for her.

Day 23: Today ... not sure what today's gift is yet. But I'm on the hunt. Only a few more days to go and I want to try to be more mindful about them.

And an update on my dad ... he's officially considered to be in remission. Which is good. But probably his best chance is a bone marrow transplant and he doesn't have a donor yet. So, that's a bit nerve wracking. He's back in the hospital today for some new chemo. It's called consolidation therapy. It's pretty hard for me to wrap my head around and I think that's contributing to my general sense of the blues for the past couple days. So, send prayers and good karma to him this week while he's getting what he calls his "electric kool-aid."