Batter up

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball.

When I was in about the 6th grade I spent a few weeks one summer playing on a softball team. I don't know how it happened, this was the only time in my life that my mom enrolled me in a sports program -- outside of playing a couple seasons of soccer at my school. I used to wait for the pitcher to walk me. I very rarely swung at the ball. When my coach was pitching, he would tell me that I wasn't going to get walked so I might as well take a swing. I don't know why I was afraid of doing it. I must have been afraid to fail.

When I got my first job at a newspaper in Port Huron. I enthusiastically joined the softball team. We never had enough women and would often play one or two people short because of it. But each week I went and played. I was totally accident prone. I took a ball in the face once. Bruised my legs up ridiculously. The other teams started joking that they should bring ice for me, but I never quit.

For some reason these memories have come back to me today as life threw me an unexpected curve ball this week in the form of a little bit of heart break. Somehow these memories of softball seem to fit what I'm feeling today. And they are perfect examples of the extremes of my life.

Sometimes I'm totally afraid and paralyzed by that fear. Other times I just keep fighting through it until I come out ahead.

I think over the past couple of weeks I've been a bit paralyzed with fear. No one at work is happy these days. And that has plunged me into a fog of negativity here that I've been trying to battle with a constant stream of tunes from Pandora. Sometimes it works, others not so well.

I've been having a few relationship rough patches. I spiraled into a fog of seeing only the negative things about myself. I'm too controlling. I pick on people too much. I'm not skinny enough yet, but I'm also so skinny that my pants are sagging unattractively. I can't catch a break in my own eyes.

It's ironic actually. Because up until the past couple weeks I have been feeling great about myself. I'm so proud of what I've accomplished in the past few months. Seriously, 18 pounds is nothing to sneeze at losing. I've written some great stories. There were 18 front page ones in December alone. Seriously, that's kicking butt. I've made some progress on a book idea. I've finally bought the new computer and I'm ready to start writing down these silly children's stories. My friends are better than ever. I've cleared the cobwebs of past relationships from my mind. I met a great new guy. I've run (ok, intervals, but mostly run) the mini-marathon. I blew away my 10 Miler pace. I'm going to see Maria in New Orleans. There is a lot going for me.

Then the curveball.

Partially because of this spiral of negativity I've lost my connection to someone special -- someone that I really had come to depend on. I've let this negative viewpoint skew how I am. I've become really sensitive. I've become critical. I've become unwilling to admit when I'm wrong.

But regardless of whether or not I can restore that connection, this curveball has taught me a valuable lesson. And it was reinforced today when a co-worker's sister suddenly died at a very early age. Life is too short.

There is no point in standing around waiting for the perfect ball to swing at. No one is going to walk me through this life of mine. I have to get in the game again. I have to take charge of things for myself and start swinging again. I have to tell people I love them. I have to do things in spite of negative attitudes and constant naysayers. I have to believe in myself and all the things I have to offer. And I have to share it. Not with strings attached but freely and generously. Kill them with kindness. I might get hit in the face by a ball or have a nasty bruise along the way, but I just can't quit. There is no time for heartbreak and misery. Doesn't mean I won't feel a little sad, but I've got to use that to push me forward. There is positive in everything.

And that's what I'm going to focus on for now. I will be happier and so will the people around me.

I might get hit in the face by a ball or have a nasty bruise along the way, but I just can't quit.