So, the bf decided that it was time we broke up. That has made for a pretty long week and lots of tears. Thanksgiving -- despite the efforts of good friends who invited me to two events -- was pretty miserable as I kept thinking about the dinner I had planned to cook with his family. And being away from my family with my dad in the hospital -- possibly with pneumonia added to all his troubles -- didn't help things either.
It's a hard thing when you realize you love someone more than you actually realized. And when with that realization also comes the recognition that you didn't always treat that person the way you wanted to, that's especially hard. Let's be clear here ...I'm not blaming myself or beating myself up about it, most of the time anyway. I know I'm a pretty amazing woman who has a big heart and a lot to offer. I also know the same thing about the bf. I know this is not about me. This is about fear ... This is about not knowing how to put our life baggage aside and just enjoy each other and work through the struggles.
I have life baggage and I bet I'm not the only one. The funny thing about these times of heartbreak is that you learn a lot about yourself -- and a lot of it I think would have been helpful in not getting me to this point if I'd taken the time to think about this before. I know that I'm not always the easiest person to love. I know that I can be bossy and controlling and I am never short of opinions. I make snap decisions -- that's a necessary skill in my business, but not always a benefit in life. But I also know that I'm supportive and encouraging to my mate. I try to think about their needs, even when sometimes my needs are great.
I know things weren't perfect. I know there were things to work out. But I also know that this person brought many riches to my life. He made me feel, for the first time, like many things are possible for me -- book writing, a relationship in which the man sometimes does things for you without you asking for them, thoughtful presents and moments of calm, and not asking me to be something I'm not. Those things weren't present in most of my previous relationships and despite the rocky periods, they were present here.
And what I know for myself is that I want someone who can let me into his life. Someone who has confidence in himself enough to know that when I'm snappy or having a bad day, it is not personal to him. Someone who sees the same potential in himself that I see and who appreciates the encouragement I give him to succeed.
It's a sad thing to love someone and know that person still loves you, but that you aren't going to be together. It's a hole in my heart right now as I feel like the person I leaned on the most and spent the most time with over the past 8 months has been ripped from my life at a time when I'm trying to pull my friends close so that I can get through some of life's most difficult challenges.
But it's a powerful feeling to know that if I let myself cry and I give myself permission to change and grow from this, that I can be an even better partner in my next relationship. I'm disappointed ... madly, profoundly disappointed and sad. But I still want to believe in love.
And I believe strongly that everything happens for a reason. And if this man was the person for me than life will find away to bring us back together and make us stronger. But if not, and I have to assume not in order to move on, than I will be stronger still.
I spent a lot of time on Thanksgiving feeling sorry for myself and struggling to find reasons to be thankful. But as I sit here early this morning I know that I am grateful and lucky to have amazing friends and family. My family is going through a rough patch, but as I told my dad yesterday, we will get through it together.
Somehow when you are sitting at the pits of your emotions -- afraid to be at home alone, crying hysterically -- life has a way of throwing you an anchor. I could barely get up and get myself to work this morning ... but when I got here a co-worker (one I don't see much and never go out with socially) left me a tin of brownies and a wonderful note of understanding my pain. That is a reminder -- a much needed one -- that I'm lucky and loved and if the bf doesn't want that in his life, I'm probably better off. But it still stings.
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