Day 23: Monday -- Maybe this doesn't count or is considered cheating but yesterday I gave myself a gift. Not a new pair of shoes or something really nice. But I gave myself two hours of watching bad television and taking down the Christmas decorations. It had to be done. And the only way that I could really talk myself into it was if I thought of it as a gift of getting my life in order.
I feel like maybe I haven't done a very good job with this 29 gifts challenge ... I mean I have been so busy it's been hard to think of things some days. Honestly, some days it's just been plain hard.
Started my day off today in tears and in a meeting with the bosses. I'm not enjoying the work situation at the moment. I have so many good stories that it is really hard to manage. That might seem like a good problem to have but it's very stressful and overwhelming because I don't feel like I'm managing any of them well. I don't know how to snap out of this one.
Sometimes I feel so sad but I feel like I'm trying to just put on a happy face and kind of fake it until I make it. I don't know if I'm crossing over into the category of stuffing my emotions or just trying to make the best of it. I feel like there are so many things weighing on me. I know I miss Ben, but I think I really miss the support and comfort of having a relationship. You know, someone who can say to me -- "I'll help you with the laundry or the dinner or the whatever." I've just been running myself around for the past several weeks trying to keep myself busy and occupied ... pushing myself into a routine that might help me come out of all this trauma in my life. It's not easy. I'm ready to just stop and rest. But I'm so afraid to do that because when I give myself that quiet, I'm just sad. It's getting better ... but it's not easy. As much as I love all my friends, it's hard to be the single one. It's hard to put on a happy face and try to focus on all the positives all the time. Sometimes I just feel like the stress is just weighing me down. I think that's why my shoulder has been in pretty bad pain for the past three weeks.
But the alternative isn't great either. I guess it's better to just keep plugging on ahead and keeping that smile on my face. I'm pushing myself to meet new people or connect with folks that I've always found interesting but didn't try to spend time with. I'm trying to increase the social circle. I'm gearing up for another round of marathon training. It's a lot on my plate. But when I think about it, I've always been this way. I've always been one to stay busy. And I am trying to do what's best for me.
Day 24: Today -- got online and tried this site, care2.org. You get on there and read things and make comments, sign petitions and it's all about earth healthy, green living, positive things. And you earn points by your actions on there. And then you turn the points into actions. So, I gave back a pound of carbon emissions on the site. I'm not sure how that actually works ... but I think it's good to stop and think about the carbon we put into the air and how it impacts the earth. So, it was a decent gift. Kinda ran out of steam today on the giving because I was so beaten down early in the day. But I hung out with good friends tonight and kicked off the new season of The Biggest Loser with them, so that helped my spirits.
Want to try to make it to the gym tomorrow.
And it was cool today because I was reminded how our own efforts to help ourselves put positive energy out there influence others. My yoga teacher, Nicole, told our class today that she's been inspired by my blog and started her own blog. She was talking about some yoga principles of giving and how putting our energy out there for others attracts good things into our lives. It's not just about how "you have to love yourself first" -- but it's about how we have to be able to share that love that attracts more love into our lives. I really believe that. I do love myself. But I have to be willing to keep sharing myself -- putting myself out there -- in order to get more love back.
Thanks for letting me work this out through the blog today -- maybe the answer is that I am tired and worn down and finding it harder to give and love. But if I just keep doing it, the returns will be great.
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