Ok, so it's not exactly true that I haven't been writing. I'm still writing every day for the C-J -- and it seems like there is always more to write about. But I haven't been writing for myself in a long time. So, I'm going to try to get back on the wagon. I think it would be a good way for me to get some of my creative juices flowing again.
I've been trying to think of things to get myself excited about. Lately, it's felt like mostly I'm just juggling and trying to keep the balls from crashing to the ground. So, I'm going to try to come up with some little mini-adventures. They could be simple things -- dinner with a friend, reading a new book, anything. The possibilities are endless. I'm going to try to keep my mind on the positives and what I'm doing that reaches beyond myself.
Maybe it's something about the new year looming -- if anyone can tell me how we got to that point again so soon please let me know. But I want to try to keep myself thinking beyond the murder and mayhem that is my everyday writing exercise.
Last year was a rough one ... and this year is all about being kind to myself and doing some things that push me out of my comfort zone.
So, I'm throwing down my own gauntlet. Adventure suggestions welcome ... and I hope that I will amuse you or inspire you a bit along the way.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
In search of the positive...
"All progress starts with a seed of self-appreciation."
I came across this in one of my daily readings this week and it has really stuck with me. Lately, it's been kind of a challenge for me to find the self-appreciation.
I'm not sure this is an uncommon affliction, but I have long-struggled with finding the positives about myself. It's a lot easier for me to beat up on myself and push myself ever harder to reach whatever the goal of the moment is. To tell myself I'm not worthy of something rather than that I'm an amazing person who brings a lot to the world. (I do know these things, but not always in the front of my brain.)
Take my marathon in San Diego ... I ran it. I finished it in less than six hours. I never gave up even when I was running alone. I tried to soak in the scenery as much as possible. But I was still a bit disappointed. My chip time said I'd run 2.5 minutes slower than I'd done in San Francisco, with an injury. Never mind that my satellite-based Garmin said I did all that with an extra .4 miles with all the dodging among people and searching for flat ground on the interstate I did. Never mind that the sun started beating down on me well before I thought it would -- on this day I did not get the benefit of the early cloud cover that San Diego is known for in June. Never mind that I spent a lot of time thinking about the reason I was running this race -- my father's illness and struggle to be well. It was emotional. Never mind that I raised more than $5,000 to fight leukemia in order to run the race. Even with all those logical reasons for not having a record-setting day and the amazing way I felt after even, I was still disappointed in myself.
It's taken me awhile to shake it. This whole week, I've been trying to reframe my thinking. Trying to find my successes instead of my perceived failures.
I made a list of all the things in my life that I can't control, even though I want desperately to control them. I'm letting them go. I will not make my boss be interested in what I'm working on. Can't make that happen. I will not sell the condo before its time so I can buy a house. Can't force someone to make an offer. I cannot figure out when a guy is interested or not ... just have to roll with that and besides I'd already decided I didn't need to be dating.
It's a struggle. And it's sometimes hard to stay positive when you have to run out two hours before your long weekend starts to cover a stabbing death and then learn about a kid dying at a daycare earlier in the day. How can you be positive in the face of such ugliness?
I guess my answer is I don't have any other choice. I continue to try to put the positive spin on things. I keep repeating things to myself -- "The condo will sell." "At least my story is good, even if they are holding it/not reading it/insert bad work thing here." "I'm so lucky to have friends that make me laugh/listen when I'm whiny/who are looking forward to seeing me."
And the one my father keeps saying, which inspires me in the face of all he's dealing with. "This too shall pass."
Not sure where all this is going but felt I needed to get some of these thoughts out on paper. My resolve for now is to be happy where I am instead of worrying about where I'm going to be. I'm going to revel in the moment as much as possible. That's a good place to start I think.
Happy 4th and thanks for letting me get it out.
And a quick update on my dad: He is home from the hospital and doing much better, though he still has down days. He was in the hospital for 46 days for a bone marrow transplate. He came home for a few days, when I was able to see him and give him my marathon medal, and then he was back in for about 10 days. But now he's home again and hopefully staying there. Still a long road to recovery so keep the prayers coming and thanks for that.
Jess
I came across this in one of my daily readings this week and it has really stuck with me. Lately, it's been kind of a challenge for me to find the self-appreciation.
I'm not sure this is an uncommon affliction, but I have long-struggled with finding the positives about myself. It's a lot easier for me to beat up on myself and push myself ever harder to reach whatever the goal of the moment is. To tell myself I'm not worthy of something rather than that I'm an amazing person who brings a lot to the world. (I do know these things, but not always in the front of my brain.)
Take my marathon in San Diego ... I ran it. I finished it in less than six hours. I never gave up even when I was running alone. I tried to soak in the scenery as much as possible. But I was still a bit disappointed. My chip time said I'd run 2.5 minutes slower than I'd done in San Francisco, with an injury. Never mind that my satellite-based Garmin said I did all that with an extra .4 miles with all the dodging among people and searching for flat ground on the interstate I did. Never mind that the sun started beating down on me well before I thought it would -- on this day I did not get the benefit of the early cloud cover that San Diego is known for in June. Never mind that I spent a lot of time thinking about the reason I was running this race -- my father's illness and struggle to be well. It was emotional. Never mind that I raised more than $5,000 to fight leukemia in order to run the race. Even with all those logical reasons for not having a record-setting day and the amazing way I felt after even, I was still disappointed in myself.
It's taken me awhile to shake it. This whole week, I've been trying to reframe my thinking. Trying to find my successes instead of my perceived failures.
I made a list of all the things in my life that I can't control, even though I want desperately to control them. I'm letting them go. I will not make my boss be interested in what I'm working on. Can't make that happen. I will not sell the condo before its time so I can buy a house. Can't force someone to make an offer. I cannot figure out when a guy is interested or not ... just have to roll with that and besides I'd already decided I didn't need to be dating.
It's a struggle. And it's sometimes hard to stay positive when you have to run out two hours before your long weekend starts to cover a stabbing death and then learn about a kid dying at a daycare earlier in the day. How can you be positive in the face of such ugliness?
I guess my answer is I don't have any other choice. I continue to try to put the positive spin on things. I keep repeating things to myself -- "The condo will sell." "At least my story is good, even if they are holding it/not reading it/insert bad work thing here." "I'm so lucky to have friends that make me laugh/listen when I'm whiny/who are looking forward to seeing me."
And the one my father keeps saying, which inspires me in the face of all he's dealing with. "This too shall pass."
Not sure where all this is going but felt I needed to get some of these thoughts out on paper. My resolve for now is to be happy where I am instead of worrying about where I'm going to be. I'm going to revel in the moment as much as possible. That's a good place to start I think.
Happy 4th and thanks for letting me get it out.
And a quick update on my dad: He is home from the hospital and doing much better, though he still has down days. He was in the hospital for 46 days for a bone marrow transplate. He came home for a few days, when I was able to see him and give him my marathon medal, and then he was back in for about 10 days. But now he's home again and hopefully staying there. Still a long road to recovery so keep the prayers coming and thanks for that.
Jess
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Where does the time go?
This morning I got here at 6 a.m. for the dreaded morning shift duties and for some reason I looked up at the quote board in front of my desk. This is the place where my colleagues and I immortalize some of our funniest or most outlandish sayings so that we can remember them. Mine tend to be those things you say in the heat of the moment and didn't think too much about.
But back to my point. As I looked at one of the quotes I noticed it was from May 2008. Seriously? I remember saying it (it has something to do with assaulting an editor -- all in fun of course). But how could it have been two years ago?
Lately it seems like my life is on fast forward. And as it gets imminently closer to my birthday, I'm having that feeling on overdrive. Now, I'm not freaking out about turning 37 -- I mean not a total freak out as can happen on odd-year birthdays for me. But I do find myself wondering how I got to this point in my life so quickly.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm actually pretty happy with where I am. Sure, when I pictured my life 10 years ago, I didn't expect that I would have stayed in one place for nearly 7 years -- or that I would be selling my condo and looking for houses, which basically indicates I have no plans to leave Louisville. Shocker.
I certainly didn't imagine that at 37 I'd still be trying to navigate the singles scene. I mean I am a fantastic catch -- please spread the word about that to your single male (straight) friends in their mid-30s to early 40s. I'm serious about that. But after a very painful breakup and another stab at dating, I realize that I'm ok with this and that eventually the right person will come along. And in the meantime, I'm learning so much about other people and myself. And I'm being honest about what I'm looking for.
I didn't imagine that my father would be in the hospital, post stem cell transplant. He's hanging in there but it's been a very rough road for him. We're still waiting for his white cell counts to start going up and pretty much the only thing that makes him feel better is popsicles. (This by the way is my niece Alaina's answer to being sick -- eat popsicles and ice cream.)
And I never thought that I would have turned into a marathoner. I think it's safe to say that as I prepare for my second marathon in less than a year that I've become a marathoner, especially since I'm already signed up to do the Chicago marathon on Oct. 10. It's hard to believe that in just over a week I'll be at the starting line of the San Diego marathon. And on top of all the training, I was able to raise (with much generous support) more than $5,400 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team in Training. Not to brag, but I was the top fundraiser on my local team, with Maggie a close second also going over $5,000. That's more than $10,000 by Team Doug!!!! So, thanks for that.
I guess my point is that time flies. And as I start to do that annual assessment that inevitably comes with each of my birthdays -- I have a lot of blessings to count. While I could sit around and think about the negatives -- because there are plenty of those -- I'm proud of myself that at this point in my life, I chose to count the positives. I'm grateful for all those painful things of the past six months or so because they have really taught me a lot and ultimately made me stronger.
And I'm grateful for all the people in my life who have helped me get through this time. I've met some new friends. I've gotten closer to old friends. And even those people who have fallen out of my life lately, I still hold them in a special place in my heart and carry the lessons I learned from them no matter how painful the separation has been.
So, Happy Birthday to me. By this time next year (which will be here in an instant) I will have a new house, hopefully some new friends, maybe even a special guy, another couple marathons under my belt, more great stories, and who knows what else -- the possibilities are endless.
But back to my point. As I looked at one of the quotes I noticed it was from May 2008. Seriously? I remember saying it (it has something to do with assaulting an editor -- all in fun of course). But how could it have been two years ago?
Lately it seems like my life is on fast forward. And as it gets imminently closer to my birthday, I'm having that feeling on overdrive. Now, I'm not freaking out about turning 37 -- I mean not a total freak out as can happen on odd-year birthdays for me. But I do find myself wondering how I got to this point in my life so quickly.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm actually pretty happy with where I am. Sure, when I pictured my life 10 years ago, I didn't expect that I would have stayed in one place for nearly 7 years -- or that I would be selling my condo and looking for houses, which basically indicates I have no plans to leave Louisville. Shocker.
I certainly didn't imagine that at 37 I'd still be trying to navigate the singles scene. I mean I am a fantastic catch -- please spread the word about that to your single male (straight) friends in their mid-30s to early 40s. I'm serious about that. But after a very painful breakup and another stab at dating, I realize that I'm ok with this and that eventually the right person will come along. And in the meantime, I'm learning so much about other people and myself. And I'm being honest about what I'm looking for.
I didn't imagine that my father would be in the hospital, post stem cell transplant. He's hanging in there but it's been a very rough road for him. We're still waiting for his white cell counts to start going up and pretty much the only thing that makes him feel better is popsicles. (This by the way is my niece Alaina's answer to being sick -- eat popsicles and ice cream.)
And I never thought that I would have turned into a marathoner. I think it's safe to say that as I prepare for my second marathon in less than a year that I've become a marathoner, especially since I'm already signed up to do the Chicago marathon on Oct. 10. It's hard to believe that in just over a week I'll be at the starting line of the San Diego marathon. And on top of all the training, I was able to raise (with much generous support) more than $5,400 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team in Training. Not to brag, but I was the top fundraiser on my local team, with Maggie a close second also going over $5,000. That's more than $10,000 by Team Doug!!!! So, thanks for that.
I guess my point is that time flies. And as I start to do that annual assessment that inevitably comes with each of my birthdays -- I have a lot of blessings to count. While I could sit around and think about the negatives -- because there are plenty of those -- I'm proud of myself that at this point in my life, I chose to count the positives. I'm grateful for all those painful things of the past six months or so because they have really taught me a lot and ultimately made me stronger.
And I'm grateful for all the people in my life who have helped me get through this time. I've met some new friends. I've gotten closer to old friends. And even those people who have fallen out of my life lately, I still hold them in a special place in my heart and carry the lessons I learned from them no matter how painful the separation has been.
So, Happy Birthday to me. By this time next year (which will be here in an instant) I will have a new house, hopefully some new friends, maybe even a special guy, another couple marathons under my belt, more great stories, and who knows what else -- the possibilities are endless.
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