Lately I feel like I'm doing a lot of waffling ... One minute I feel completely upbeat and positive and the next I feel like things are never going to work out right and unmotivated.
On Saturday, I got up pretty early for a rainy Saturday morning and went out to walk the 4-mile Snowman Shuffle with my dedicated group of friends. It was really inspiring to see my friend Kat make it through the whole thing in about an hour and running spurts of it. Harris Bueller kept me entertained and motivated as we walked slightly ahead of Kat. We can't help it if our legs are so long.
It was a good feeling to complete something like that when really the basic instinct is to stay in bed. I feel like I've really changed the way I view exercise. I make it to the gym regularly and have seen a real change in my appearance and how I feel. That's inspiring for sure.
But then I have these moments when I just can't figure out where my life is heading. Things are bleak for the newspaper business. Rumors keep circulating about more layoffs coming or unpaid furloughs that I know I will definitely feel the pinch of one way or another. Friends at other papers talk about outsourcing to India and paycuts. It's not easy to stay focused when those things are swirling around.
Personally, I'm trying to find the zen, peaceful place in my life. I'm trying to find that space where once again I'm ok with just being single. I'm ok with just doing the best I can at work and knowing that I can't control the rest of the madness. I'm trying to give myself permission to not be crazy busy all the time.
And then I just want to keep getting out there too ... I'm planning to start finally doing some work for Habitat as I've wanted to do for the last year. I'm trying to decide what I can do to spend some time with young people who are searching for direction as well. I want to get the time and mental space to start writing ... for me, not for work. I want to take that Feb. dance class.
Even in the course of this one blog entry, I feel like I've waffled between optimism and pessimism. I don't know from day to day which one will win out.
I'm not sure why I'm even documenting this internal struggle at the moment ... maybe I'm hoping some of you out there who look at this might have some ideas. Or at least will be able to tell me that I'm not alone in this struggle these days.
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