Lately I feel like I'm doing a lot of waffling ... One minute I feel completely upbeat and positive and the next I feel like things are never going to work out right and unmotivated.
On Saturday, I got up pretty early for a rainy Saturday morning and went out to walk the 4-mile Snowman Shuffle with my dedicated group of friends. It was really inspiring to see my friend Kat make it through the whole thing in about an hour and running spurts of it. Harris Bueller kept me entertained and motivated as we walked slightly ahead of Kat. We can't help it if our legs are so long.
It was a good feeling to complete something like that when really the basic instinct is to stay in bed. I feel like I've really changed the way I view exercise. I make it to the gym regularly and have seen a real change in my appearance and how I feel. That's inspiring for sure.
But then I have these moments when I just can't figure out where my life is heading. Things are bleak for the newspaper business. Rumors keep circulating about more layoffs coming or unpaid furloughs that I know I will definitely feel the pinch of one way or another. Friends at other papers talk about outsourcing to India and paycuts. It's not easy to stay focused when those things are swirling around.
Personally, I'm trying to find the zen, peaceful place in my life. I'm trying to find that space where once again I'm ok with just being single. I'm ok with just doing the best I can at work and knowing that I can't control the rest of the madness. I'm trying to give myself permission to not be crazy busy all the time.
And then I just want to keep getting out there too ... I'm planning to start finally doing some work for Habitat as I've wanted to do for the last year. I'm trying to decide what I can do to spend some time with young people who are searching for direction as well. I want to get the time and mental space to start writing ... for me, not for work. I want to take that Feb. dance class.
Even in the course of this one blog entry, I feel like I've waffled between optimism and pessimism. I don't know from day to day which one will win out.
I'm not sure why I'm even documenting this internal struggle at the moment ... maybe I'm hoping some of you out there who look at this might have some ideas. Or at least will be able to tell me that I'm not alone in this struggle these days.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Power of the dress
Not many people describe me as girly. I don't spend much time, if any, on my makeup. I don't wear three inch skinny heels (though I do like shoes but must have comfort). I swear too much. I watch hockey games while I'm home alone and there isn't a guy in sight. And I don't take too much shit and I'm not afraid to call you out on yours either.
With all that said, I do appreciate a good shopping trip or a night of margaritas with the girls. I love to dress up and I enjoy the girly things in life in moderation.
But this week I had a moment of complete and total girliness beyond my own expectations.
I bought a dress. Not just any dress. A ball gown to wear to the Bluegrass Ball in DC during the inaugural festivities.
It's a beautiful chocolate brown -- technically named truffle. My sister says I will look delicious in it.
The best part about this dress was how I found it. Kitty Kat sent me an email on Tuesday proclaiming her joy at finding not one, but two, great dresses at Margaret's consignment shop. She sent a picture estimating the look of a teal dress she bought. I wanted the brown dress in the picture.
Later that evening the girls and I were having dinner at a Thai restaurant next to David's Bridal. Now, I don't go in bridal stores unless I have to. I went with my sister when she was shopping for her dress but I don't stop by on my own to browse. I'm not one of those girls.
But David's happens to be having their big sale right now. And when we walked out of dinner at 8:30 p.m. we were surprised to see David's still open. So, we all ran in, literally. Poor Harris Bueller was the lone male in this gaggle of girls but found a comfy couch to sit on.
We started pouring over the sale racks, pulling out gowns. And then there it was ... the dress.
It was strikingly similar to Kitty Kat's picture and I loved it instantly. I snatched up two sizes (because bridal is evil and always too small.)
I tried on the 14 ... way too big. Amazing. Then the 12 ... but this required calling in the troops and Kerri had to come help me in. We weren't sure I was going to make it. But then it all came together.
And it was amazing. It fits like it was made for me. I cinches my waist in just the perfect ways. "My girls" look amazing in it. And it flows out in just the perfect shape.
All day yesterday, I thought about this dress and it makes me smile. I feel like a princess and I"m not the princess type. Somehow this dress makes me feel like all the heartache and pain of the past couple months can be mended. That somehow if I can fit into something so beautiful that there is hope for finding love again.
Maybe it's stupid. It's only a dress right? And really what's important is that I'm the one in the dress and I'm amazing. But something about this dress -- which was also really cheap -- makes me believe in my own beauty again. It makes me remember that I am fabulous and worth loving. It makes me remember that I do a lot of amazing and fun things. It makes me remember how fun I am.
Because if I wasn't all those things, I wouldn't have found that dress.
With all that said, I do appreciate a good shopping trip or a night of margaritas with the girls. I love to dress up and I enjoy the girly things in life in moderation.
But this week I had a moment of complete and total girliness beyond my own expectations.
I bought a dress. Not just any dress. A ball gown to wear to the Bluegrass Ball in DC during the inaugural festivities.
It's a beautiful chocolate brown -- technically named truffle. My sister says I will look delicious in it.
The best part about this dress was how I found it. Kitty Kat sent me an email on Tuesday proclaiming her joy at finding not one, but two, great dresses at Margaret's consignment shop. She sent a picture estimating the look of a teal dress she bought. I wanted the brown dress in the picture.
Later that evening the girls and I were having dinner at a Thai restaurant next to David's Bridal. Now, I don't go in bridal stores unless I have to. I went with my sister when she was shopping for her dress but I don't stop by on my own to browse. I'm not one of those girls.
But David's happens to be having their big sale right now. And when we walked out of dinner at 8:30 p.m. we were surprised to see David's still open. So, we all ran in, literally. Poor Harris Bueller was the lone male in this gaggle of girls but found a comfy couch to sit on.
We started pouring over the sale racks, pulling out gowns. And then there it was ... the dress.
It was strikingly similar to Kitty Kat's picture and I loved it instantly. I snatched up two sizes (because bridal is evil and always too small.)
I tried on the 14 ... way too big. Amazing. Then the 12 ... but this required calling in the troops and Kerri had to come help me in. We weren't sure I was going to make it. But then it all came together.
And it was amazing. It fits like it was made for me. I cinches my waist in just the perfect ways. "My girls" look amazing in it. And it flows out in just the perfect shape.
All day yesterday, I thought about this dress and it makes me smile. I feel like a princess and I"m not the princess type. Somehow this dress makes me feel like all the heartache and pain of the past couple months can be mended. That somehow if I can fit into something so beautiful that there is hope for finding love again.
Maybe it's stupid. It's only a dress right? And really what's important is that I'm the one in the dress and I'm amazing. But something about this dress -- which was also really cheap -- makes me believe in my own beauty again. It makes me remember that I am fabulous and worth loving. It makes me remember that I do a lot of amazing and fun things. It makes me remember how fun I am.
Because if I wasn't all those things, I wouldn't have found that dress.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Motivate me
Here's the thing about motivation: Sometimes you have it. Sometimes you don't.
When the alarm screeched on this morning on at 6 a.m., I did not have it.
So, I laid there for a snooze, twice. Then I figured I better call Peppermint Patty and get her moving, if that was possible. I don't think she had motivation either. So, I laid there some more. I even decided that today, with rain coming down and 34 degree temps, I could skip the gym.
Then a funny thing happened. I started to think about boot camp. And I thought about all those women who were already finishing up their workouts for the day. And then I thought about what Chris and Kara -- the best coaches ever -- would say to me. And it would not be to just roll over and go back to bed.
So, I got up. I went to the gym, only about half hour later than normal. And I hit the elliptical. I even managed to try the 20 incline, which lasted for about 2 minutes until I thought I was going to puke. I saw a new stand full of medicine balls and decided to test out a few former boot camp moves.
All in all, it was awesome. And as I sit here at my desk, I'm feeling really good and proud of myself for not giving up on the goal of hitting the gym every day this week. And I'm doing the Snowman Shuffle on Saturday so I have a week full of exercise ahead of me. For the moment, I believe I can accomplish it.
An old friend from high school, who I've recently been emailing with on Facebook, told me about a neat website that I went to check out this morning -- www.43things.com
Basically, it lets you log your goals. They suggest making 43. I gave it a whirl and it was pretty cool. I'd already made a list on a scrap of paper that I'm carrying around with me about some things I want to accomplish in 2009. There aren't 43 things on that list, so I expanded it a bit and if I don't reach all these 43 goals in 2009 it won't be the end of the world. I think it might need a little adjusting, particularly if I'm going to let it expand beyond 2009. But it was a cool exercise.
Now I just need to find some motivation for the story I have to write today.
When the alarm screeched on this morning on at 6 a.m., I did not have it.
So, I laid there for a snooze, twice. Then I figured I better call Peppermint Patty and get her moving, if that was possible. I don't think she had motivation either. So, I laid there some more. I even decided that today, with rain coming down and 34 degree temps, I could skip the gym.
Then a funny thing happened. I started to think about boot camp. And I thought about all those women who were already finishing up their workouts for the day. And then I thought about what Chris and Kara -- the best coaches ever -- would say to me. And it would not be to just roll over and go back to bed.
So, I got up. I went to the gym, only about half hour later than normal. And I hit the elliptical. I even managed to try the 20 incline, which lasted for about 2 minutes until I thought I was going to puke. I saw a new stand full of medicine balls and decided to test out a few former boot camp moves.
All in all, it was awesome. And as I sit here at my desk, I'm feeling really good and proud of myself for not giving up on the goal of hitting the gym every day this week. And I'm doing the Snowman Shuffle on Saturday so I have a week full of exercise ahead of me. For the moment, I believe I can accomplish it.
An old friend from high school, who I've recently been emailing with on Facebook, told me about a neat website that I went to check out this morning -- www.43things.com
Basically, it lets you log your goals. They suggest making 43. I gave it a whirl and it was pretty cool. I'd already made a list on a scrap of paper that I'm carrying around with me about some things I want to accomplish in 2009. There aren't 43 things on that list, so I expanded it a bit and if I don't reach all these 43 goals in 2009 it won't be the end of the world. I think it might need a little adjusting, particularly if I'm going to let it expand beyond 2009. But it was a cool exercise.
Now I just need to find some motivation for the story I have to write today.
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